A few Sundays ago, one of my high school juniors joined my men’s prayer group. He asked us to pray that the Lord would help him to stop judging others. Afterwards, I asked him, “Do you find yourself judging the behavior of professing Christians, non-Christians, or a little bit of both?”
He replied: “I tend to hold those who claim to be Christians (or at least attend church regularly) to a higher standard than those who don’t, and when I observe that they treat others poorly, or that they generally lead a life that looks like the world, I find myself getting frustrated with them.”
Upon hearing his response, I realized two things. First, this student has some profound self-awareness. Second, in the grand scheme of things, he and I aren’t much different. Our culture pushes both adults and teenagers toward performance-based identity. The presence of social media and the internet gives us the opportunity to manage those identities, to manage people’s perception of us. At the same time, teenagers often have a strong yearning for authenticity and quickly recognize a fake. Students frequently wonder why people who profess Christ often behave so badly, or why some non-Christians may seem to behave better.
As youth ministers, we have a responsibility to shepherd students through these questions. With identity and performance being so core to teenagers’ experience in the world, it’s important we remind students of the gospel, namely their new identity in Christ. We must help them gain an eternal perspective, equipping them to show compassion to Christians and non-Christians alike.
Helping Teenagers Understand Their Expectations
I have a love/hate relationship with movie trailers. On one hand, they can very quickly help you decide whether or not you’d like to see a movie. However, they can also set up unfair expectations for the quality of a movie. For example, the 2023 animated film “Migration,” about a duck family caught my attention. I’m a huge fan of animated movies, and the trailer was full of what I consider to be “dad humor,” which is right up my alley. My wife and I went to see the movie just a few days after its release, and while we thought it was wholesome, it wasn’t what I had expected. Many people enjoyed that movie, but my expectations affected my judgment of it. I had anticipated a movie full of jokes. As it turned out, the only jokes were the ones in the trailer, so I was disappointed.
In my experience with both teenagers and my own heart, our questions and even frustrations about the behavior of others tend to be more personally specific rather than theologically deep. So why do we commonly observe a mismatch between people’s allegiance to Christ and their outward behavior? It can often appear—to our students and to us—that Christians behave badly, while those who don’t know Jesus seem to act better.
To answer the question with a question, what do you mean by “badly” and “better?” My judgment of someone else’s behavior comes from my expectation of how I think someone should behave in the first place. Simply put, my expectations are likely different from yours. Your expectations are likely different from your friends or your parents. We’re human, and none of us behave perfectly—Christians or not. Rather, all people behave badly because all people are born sinners.
Biblically speaking, the distinguishing factor of a person is who they say Jesus is. The Bible declares he is either your Lord and Savior or he isn’t. Jesus taught that the Father sent him into the world, and whoever believes in him will be saved (John 3:16-18). What you believe about Jesus will affect the way you live both now and for eternity. This belief will frame your expectations for the behavior of yourself and others.
As youth ministers, it’s our privilege to give students the gospel as the ultimate framework for understanding life: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23); in fact, no one seeks after God (Rom. 3:11). But God shows his love for us by sending Christ to die for us when we were still sinners (Rom. 5:8). When we confess Jesus as Lord and trust in his life, death, and resurrection, God gives us salvation by his grace (Rom. 10:9).
You see, the ground is level at the cross. Christians or not, all we bring to God is our sin. The only way anyone can be good is through God’s work in their lives.
When I find myself judging others, or when we walk with students struggling with the same, we must be reminded of the gospel. It’s through that good news we remember God is the ultimate Judge, not us or the students we serve. Our response to the Christian who behaves badly and to the non-Christian who behaves better ought to be the same: all of us need grace, grace that can only be found in Christ. There isn’t a day when I behave so badly that I’m out of the reach of God’s grace; nor is there a day that I behave so well that I don’t need it.
Helping Teenagers Reshape Their Expectations
In Psalm 73, Asaph confesses how observing the lives of others brought him bitterness and envy. He even goes so far as to almost lose trust in God. This honest Psalm can help us guide teenagers toward reshaping their expectations to align with the truth about God and people.
Surely God is good to Israel,
Psalm 73:1-3
to those who are pure in heart.
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
Asaph begins in the present tense, verse 1 is active and present: God is good. This is an ongoing truth and it’s his conclusion about God’s character, it’s Asaph’s foundation for what he’s about to share.
As he continues, we are in the past tense, “had almost stumbled,” “had nearly slipped,” “I was envious,” “when I saw”. Now, we realize that the rest of this Psalm is merely a reflection on Asaph’s life and what he’s learning from and about God. The beauty of this Psalm is that it’s as if we are reading a personal diary. As we consider the raw honesty of Asaph, we can encourage teenagers to know they’re not alone. Judging others is a real struggle for the believer.
As we continue reading through the first 15 verses, we learn that Asaph’s judgment of others not only frustrates him, but also causes him to doubt the goodness of God. This is the danger of judging other’s behavior based on our own opinions rather than God’s. First, we conclude the wicked prosper while living in sin. Judging that behavior, we then struggle personally while seeking to live a righteous and holy life. Finally, we conclude it must be better for me to forgo holiness and live in sin so I can prosper. Here is where we find our warning: If we aren’t careful, judging others can push us away from God rather than push others closer to Him.
If Asaph stopped writing after verse 15, he would have forgotten the foundation he set, “Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.” So, he keeps going.
When I tried to understand all this,
Psalm 73:16-17
it troubled me deeply
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.
Considering others’ behavior can be beneficial to ourselves and others when done through the proper lens. Sanctuary can be defined as sacred place, dwelling place, holy place. We must encourage teenagers to enter into the presence of God. Life seems all too difficult when we go at it alone, but when we seek the Lord, our perspective can shift. Remembering God gives us the ultimate relevance, the relevance of eternity—“then I discerned their end.”
The remainder of Psalm 73 is a contrast between the eternal security of non-Christians and Christians. In light of his God, Asaph realizes there’s more to the average person than simply his or her behavior. For the non-Christian, perceived security here on earth is simply an illusion. While unbelievers’ actions or life may seem good at face-value, they’re stuck in their sin with no foothold, no hope, no confidence. The Christian however, isn’t marked by his behavior or circumstances. What sets the Christian apart is the Lord’s presence, His guidance over all of life, and the certainty of the future.
As teenagers remember God, he will give the proper perspective to move in compassion towards Christians and non-Christians instead of judgment. As we allow God to form our expectations, we remember he alone is the Judge, that God discerns our end. We can’t explain why God would save any one of us, but we can remember that it’s in the presence of God, as we draw near to him, that we can’t help but share all he has done.
As for You, Youth Minister
Your flesh and your heart may fail, but God is the strength of your heart and your portion forever—it is good to be near God.
Ps. 73:26, 28a
As you seek to encourage teenagers, remember God is not only your heavenly hope, but your earthly desire as well.
Just like my self-aware student, I know that I, too, struggle with judging others. I fall short as a youth minister, as a leader, as a parent…at face value, my behavior can be part of the frustration when comparing non-Christians and myself. It is in these moments, that I also must enter into the presence of the Lord to reshape my own expectations of myself through the lens of the gospel.
As we serve, may we remember the Lord is with us; he guides us. Our future is certain, and there is strength found in a life spent near God.
For more resources for gospel-centered ministry to teenagers and families, check out our curriculum and training on Rooted Reservoir.
