Many years ago I knew a student—I’ll call her Cassie—who was beloved by all at youth group and school alike. Cassie loved Jesus deeply. She was a star athlete and a model student. Cassie was bubbly and smiley, outgoing, and encouraging of everyone around her. She was one of those magnetic people that others were just drawn to—you know the type.
I had known Cassie since she was in sixth grade. Her life wasn’t perfect (I know my theology and I knew some specifics of her life) but, man, had she convinced even me that she had it all together. One morning over breakfast during Cassie’s junior year, she shared with me, holding back tears, that she felt so alone and discouraged. She had friends, but the relationships felt “surfacey” and one-sided. Underneath all of this, she shared that she felt especially alone and misunderstood at home. Her older siblings had moved out and her parents were busy. The only interactions she felt like she had with her parents were about college and her schedule.
Cassie’s life is not unique. In a 2023 report, the U.S. surgeon general declared an “epidemic of loneliness.” This epidemic has particularly plagued our youth. Cassie had the self-awareness and bravery to name it, but most students (and people) don’t. Cassie was able to name that she pursued her many activities to avoid the reality that she felt alone, unseen, and uncared for. She looked to busyness and people to distract her from this deep sense of sadness and loneliness.
Cassie, like most students, went from waking up early for sports practice before school, to classes all day, to another sports practice or game, to a friend’s house, then eventually made her way back home. And when she arrived home late, if her parents were there and awake, she dreaded what questions they would ask and the shame that would follow. She then struggled to stay awake to get all her homework done for the next day.
I say all this not to cast any shame on parents; Cassie and other students like her aren’t perfect and are often harsher on their parents than they ought to be (it’s a right of passage, isn’t it?). I knew Cassie’s parents and they were desirous of her to feel connected and supported by other adults, knowing Cassie’s angst with them.
Cassie craved meaningful relationships where she felt seen and poured into. In other words, she felt desperate for discipleship and gospel encouragement.
Enter Donna.
Case Study of an Intergenerational Friendship
Donna is a grandmother at our church. Her own children grew up in the youth ministry. Donna leads a small group of high school girls and attends a lot of our youth group’s retreats as a volunteer leader. She came on the high school retreat the summer after Cassie’s junior year and was her room leader. They went on beach walks every morning together. Cassie’s prayer was answered before our eyes as Donna pursued her.
Not only did Donna spend time with Cassie, she took time to encourage and celebrate Cassie. I watched Cassie grow in a peace and confidence that is hard to put into words. To this day, Cassie points to Donna as a reminder of Jesus’ love and delight in her. I know we as youth ministers believe in the place of encouragement in youth ministry. It is such a gift to be tangibly reminded of the transformative power of presence and words in student’s stories.
Cassie was already loved deeply—by her parents, by me, by her friends. But the Spirit saw fit to use Donna to communicate his love and delight in her at a time where she desperately needed that care from an older mentor. God uses all of us in unique ways to make his love known. No one person can transform a student’s schedule, habits, or relationship with parents and friends. Still, Cassie experienced gospel transformation over time due to Donna’s witness.
Years later, Donna and Cassie still meet to go for walks. Cassie has told me how Donna texts her Bible verses, and how she reminds Cassie that she is bringing her before the presence of our Father in prayer. Cassie has also told me that whenever she feels that same loneliness overcome her, she texts Donna for prayer. She knows she can’t distract herself from it, but has asked Donna (and now others, too) to remind her of her gospel hope and identity. My own “Donna” at church does this for me as well.
In a recent text, my mentor wrote: “‘Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days’ Ps. 90:14. Praying for you this morning, Emmie. Lord, help Emmie and me to rest in your love, turn us away from heavy introspection and toward your smiling face. Soak us in your favor, not just endure our days but instead may we rejoice and even be glad in you. Amen.”
Caring for Students in Need of Friendship
As you think about the Cassies in your own ministry—lonely students who need the godly influence and care of older believers—here are three things to remember:
First, ministering to youth concerns the whole church body. In other words, you are not alone in your desire and endeavors to minister to the youth of your congregation. I know it can feel this way for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I was tempted to feel discouraged that Cassie didn’t trust me as she trusted Donna. But praise the Lord that Cassie had a mentor in the church with more life experience and wisdom to offer than I did. And praise the Lord that Cassie’s parents and I weren’t alone in seeing and caring for Cassie!
God gives us particular gifts that we are called to steward in love for the sake of God’s kingdom, for one another (1 Pet. 4:10-11). God uses the gifts and presence of older believers to encourage younger brothers and sisters in gospel hope. Fostering intergenerational connections is a beautiful, important part of our job that can often get overlooked.
Second, you need older members in your congregation to mentor and pray for you. Our students aren’t the only ones who struggle feeling lonely. It’s human. Donna’s texts and presence at youth events blessed not just several students, but the rest of the youth leaders. It made us all feel supported and connected within the church. Connecting students and adults blesses the older members in our congregation, encouraging them with the love and zeal our students have to offer. In addition, intergenerational discipleship helps combat the tendency of students and youth ministers to feel siloed from the church as a whole. Let’s endeavor to connect each other within the Body of Christ in intentional, prayer-filled relationships.
And finally, the answer to loneliness isn’t simply in surrounding ourselves with people. Perhaps we as youth ministers can feel this in our work more than anyone. Cassie felt this, even in a youth group that felt safe to her. We all need intentional witnesses to encourage us and, above all, to point us to Christ. He alone is the true Lover of our souls, our Friend who never leaves or forsakes us. We have a Creator who delights in us—so much so that he sent his Son into the world, took on flesh, and paid the punishment to redeem us and all of creation (John 3:16). He did this so he could be with us (Ex. 25:8; Cor. 6:16; Rev. 21:3)!
Our Spiritual Call to Intergenerational Friendship
We need each other as embodied Spirit-indwelled witnesses. Paul gives us beautiful language of how we are to relate to one another as the church when he tells Timothy, “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Timothy 5:1). There will always be students—even the ones who seem like they have it all together—who struggle with loneliness at home, school, and even at church in youth group.
May we be youth ministers who seek to gather and connect older and younger believers. May we never forget to graciously remind students they aren’t alone—even when they feel like they are. And may we surround ourselves with witnesses to remind us of the same truth! We are all called to relate to one another as mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters. We are all called to simultaneously seek out a Donna and to be a Donna for others. Praise God for those like Donna who disciple the next generation in Christ’s love!
If you’re looking for gospel-centered community and youth ministry resources, we hope you’ll join us in Dallas for Rooted’s annual conference, October 24-26, 2024!
