“The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Proverbs 29:15
Jarring, isn’t it? The first part of Solomon’s instruction focuses on the fruit of discipline when it comes to parenting, including corporal discipline at that. The second half of the proverb discusses how a child may bring shame to their mother. This is not a warm and fuzzy word from the wisest man in the world. In this proverb, Solomon calls us to be self-disciplined and active parents, creating the conditions for our children to grow in wisdom and honor.
Dedicated to Discipline
Rephrasing this proverb in my own words, it reads like this. If I take the time and energy it takes to lovingly correct, train, and discipline my child, I will give my child wisdom. If I am generally unengaged or not present, my child will bring me shame. Shame. What an interesting word choice.
Why would I need reminders to be involved in my children’s lives? It seems to me that Solomon reminds me because, well, I need the reminder. Discipline and training (rod and reproof) are exhausting, ordinary, painful, and sometimes discouraging work. It’s lovingly teaching my child again and again not to throw food off their highchair tray, to sit still, to say please and thank you, to be diligent with their studies and considerate to others, to be honest, to take care of their belongings, to respect authority…and the list could continue on and on.
Why is this so hard? Because I have to choose to do what is right too, even if it is not what I want. I have to put down the phone. Stop my conversation with a friend. Forgo the shower. Get up in the middle of the night. Restrain my words and use my own self-control to do what is right. Discipline, whether you are three or thirty, is hard work.
A Mother’s Shame
Now the clincher: “…A child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Without sparing my feelings or acknowledging my excuses, Solomon throws down a clear parenting principle: parenting priorities should inform my schedule. If I have so many commitments that I always operate at a 100 percent capacity, it leaves my children to themselves. I am finite; my time has limits. Those commitments, social outings, career opportunities, and volunteering may be good things, but not necessarily good things for this season of life. If I am maxed out with no margin, my children will be left to themselves. They will not be corrected or disciplined or encouraged or enjoyed. Solomon observes that the result of my negligence will be that I will be ashamed. Ouch.
As I sit on the threshold of launching my final child to college, I am realizing that parenting young ones is a short season of life. Looking back, I wish I had applied Solomon’s principle more consistently. I wish I had better organized my days to be available to actively parent my children. This looks very different in each of our individual callings. Some of us are single parents, or caregivers to our own parents, or working mothers, or called to care for another child with a disability, or called to a host of other constraining circumstances. Our God-given paths may be very different, but the principle of maintaining margin for parenting should guide our unique family’s decision-making.
A Beautiful Word: “No”
I am a people-pleaser, and I truly hate saying no. Having a child with major medical issues broke me (mostly) of this weakness. I learned the hard way that “no” is a beautiful word. No, I cannot volunteer in the nursery. People bring their sick children here (please don’t be one of these people), and then my son gets sick, requiring steroids and antibiotics, perhaps even a fun trip to the ER. No, I cannot teach Sunday School. If my son is home in pain, I should be home. No, I cannot work full-time. In our season with four school-aged children, an active-duty military father, and a child with intense medical needs, a full-time job left me zero margin. Solomon whispers: Your children will be left to themselves, and that will bring you shame. No.
Literal Devices
Believe it or not, I was a young mother before the age of smartphones. And I am so thankful, because even without smartphones and iPads, it was way too tempting for me to put on a video for the kids or check out myself on the computer. Now, it’s even easier! Anywhere we are, we can plug our willing children into screens. For a parent, it really isn’t all that fun to train a child to sit quietly in the doctor’s office or shopping cart. And it’s painless to hand over the device, which a child can amazingly unlock and use at a ridiculously young age. More than one child, left to themselves with only the company of the internet, has inadvertently stepped into great destruction.
I myself struggle, even as an adult. Whether I am texting, checking the news, making phone calls, or ordering from Amazon…this little phone holds one of the biggest temptations to leave my children to themselves. I have to ask myself, what is more important, reading this news article or putting the phone down to hear about my teenager’s day as she barrels in the house full of thoughts and chatter. Seems obvious, doesn’t it? The energetic teenager will soon be gone. This time is precious! Use devices wisely, Solomon whispers. Your children will be left to themselves, and that will bring you shame.
Choose Wisdom
It is so easy to grow weary of doing good as a parent, particularly in the hard or exhausting seasons of life. However, in those seasons, we see the most fruit from the good work of parenting and engagement. Proverbs highlights two ladies who call aloud to us and to our children, beckoning us to follow them down one of two paths. Lady Folly leads her followers to destruction and death (Prov. 7). Lady Wisdom leads those who seek her to life, favor from the Lord, and blessing, riches far greater than gold or jewels (Prov. 8).
Which one will we choose each day as we parent? Which path do we want our children to follow? Solomon points to Lady Wisdom – training children faithfully, creating margin to be “with them” as they develop, engaging with them in the everyday. Let us not leave our children to their own devices (literally or figuratively).
The Final Word
Thankfully, Solomon’s human wisdom is not the end of the story. Instead, this parable points us to Jesus, in whom is both the Wisdom of God and the Power of God (1 Cor. 1:22-23). Our Perfect Parent took on human flesh and died for us. His work on the cross overcomes all our parenting failures and shame. Jesus does not leave us to our own devices. We parents are still growing in our own self-discipline, in grace, and in wisdom. Jesus forgives us, lovingly disciplines us, comforts us, and strengthens us for the days ahead.
When we fail as parents or have no idea what to do, we can turn to Jesus. He is the source of all Wisdom and Truth. We can ask for the courage, discipline, and wisdom needed for the challenge at hand. As James says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5). What a beautiful promise from our generous Father! Jesus came to turn our parenting ashes into something beautiful (Isa. 61). His mercies are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness!
For more gospel-centered wisdom and support in parenting, consider using Rooted’s Family Discipleship Curriculum with your church or small group.
