For one of my children there was a 3-year period straddling primary and secondary school when bedtime often meant tears. During lengthy, heartbreaking conversations, my child begged to not go to school. Though much time was spent clarifying the law on attendance, my child’s problem was not primarily legal. The words that kept on putting a dagger through my heart were, “I have no friends.” Through these conversations I learnt that naming children in the class like a desperate form of bingo really did not help; nor did organising playdates or sleepovers; nor did conversations with the teacher, or other parents, or even those other children themselves.
I know that there are bigger crises in the world, but this one seems to be common in families. It comes in many forms: not enough friends, not the right kind of friends, not good enough friends, mean friends, bad-influence friends, no Christian friends, or mean Christian friends.
Yet this pain should not surprise us. Even before the Fall, it was the single aspect of creation that needed fixing. After creating the world, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). We are not made for loneliness. Our children’s different God-given characters mean that they cope and flourish in very different ways, and some may struggle to make deep friendships. But they will need a friend, as we all do.
Enjoying Jesus’ Friendship
School can be claustrophobic, causing daily intense, dark emotions. In those moments, we need to help our children tell themselves the better story. The need for friends runs deep, but their greatest need (a relationship with the God who made them) has already been met. The death of Jesus provides the best enemies-to-friends story ever (Rom. 5:10). Now there is peace instead of hostility and mercy instead of judgment. Children know how often friendship is based on what we can get from each other: “I’ll be your friend if you invite me to your party, or give me your sweets, or let me copy your homework.” How wonderful to be able to tell them that friendship with Jesus is not bought, earned, or deserved. It is a free gift, rooted in the unchanging grace of God (Rom. 3:22-24).
They need these new messages to fill their heads. They have value and significance not because of how many friends they have, but because they have been fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the living God (Ps. 139:14; Gen. 1:27). They can know that they are precious not because of the number of parties they get invited to, but because Jesus has invited them to spend eternity with him (John 14:1-3).
The longing for friendship we all have —a desire to be seen, an ache to be valued, and a longing to be known intimately—is fulfilled most in Christ. No human relationship can fill that gap. The best thing to do with that longing is to let it prompt us to turn to Jesus. Can we explain this to our children? Can we help them see that their tears show how much they need Christ when they are lonely? And can we reassure them with his promise that he is with us always (Matt. 28:20), even though we can’t see or touch him right now?
Children may find more immediate comfort in a parents’ hug than in the idea that Jesus is invisibly present in the playground, and it’s absolutely right that we keep showing them ourlove and care in whatever ways we can. But the consistency and certainty of a parent’s love is only a limited reflection of God’s love and presence. Let’s not try and make ourselves the answer to their loneliness, but keep reminding them that the ruler of the universe loves them even more than we do and is with them even when we aren’t.
Reflecting Jesus’ Friendship
Jesus defined friendship as sacrificial love and deep sharing of ourselves (John 15:12-15). Christian friendship is about giving before it is about receiving. So we need to work through how to be good friends to others, rather than constantly feeling let down by others.
Rather than searching for reasons why no one likes your child, find the moments when they care for others well. Jesus sees their love for others, even when those others don’t include them or invite them to their party. Are there corners of their lives where you see friendship happening well, such as in church, on holiday, in your community, or with relatives? Point these moments out, and remind them that God is delighted by their efforts to reflect his character.
Sanctification in Loneliness
I learnt that these fine arguments may not be enough for our children when they’re sitting in a canteen eating lunch alone. I have heard countless creative stories of how children cope: playing Legos in the corner of a classroom, locking themselves in a loo, and reading a book in the corner of the playground. I feel blessed to have known a very sweet 8-year-old at our church, who had no friends for most of her primary school years. She was lovely, godly, patient, and chatty (while still leaving plenty of time for others). I could not understand. That was more than 20 years ago. I saw her last week. She had lost none of her bubbly charm and had plenty of friends. I still don’t think it was her fault. I still don’t understand. Her struggle gave her parents many opportunities for gospel conversations, and I believe that it was part of God’s good plan for making her the compassionate woman she is today.
Parent’s Opportunity in Children’s Heartache
Friendship issues can be deeply painful for our children. Through the tears, let’s look for opportunities to bring them to Jesus, reminding them of his gracious love and constant presence. And if we feel helpless in the face of a problem we cannot fix, let’s take comfort in the promise God speaks to us and to our children, “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).
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