We’re excited to announce that pre-orders are now available for Teenagers and Mental Health: A Handbook for Parents, Pastors, and Youth Leaders by Monica Kim and Danny Kwon, Rooted’s Senior Director of Youth Ministry Content and Cross-Cultural Initiatives! Published by our friends at New Growth Press, this book offers wisdom and gospel hope for adults on the front lines of helping teenagers navigate mental health challenges.
I remember an incident with a parent early on in my ministry. My wife and I had scheduled a meal with her daughter after school. The mother came to me on a Sunday before the meeting, almost demanding that I needed to have a permission form to meet with students. Later, I realized from this encounter that it was not so much about a permission form, but just that this mother was angry that I took so long to meet up with her daughter for a meal and fellowship. I also learned that relational ministry with teenagers can be a great opportunity to develop deeper relationships with their caregivers and foster partnerships with parents.
Contact Work
“Earn the right to be heard.” I was in seminary over 30 years ago, doing youth ministry part-time, when I first heard a seminary classmate quote this phrase, which turned my philosophy of youth ministry upside-down. Soon, I made it one of my pastoral goals in ministry to not only teach the Bible and curate our large group and small group ministries well, but to carve out in my weekly schedule time to visit with students outside of church. For me, this was the beginning of relational ministry—or contact work—which I can describe as building and nurturing personal connections and relationships with teenagers as a foundation for spiritual growth and community. Likewise, these relationships were the building blocks of discipleship.
Before, I believed that my task in youth ministry was to just teach the Bible and likewise put little emphasis on relationships and the impact of nurturing relationships with teenagers. However, I realized slowly but surely that God used a meal after school with a teenager, a conversation after Bible study, and a talk on the way to an amusement park to not only foster deep relationships with my youth group, but to make a profound impact on my teaching ministry. It reminded me of the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4, and the example of Jesus’s approach to her, in which he engaged in conversation and offered hope rather than judgment. This was the essence of the gospel to me.
However, as I quickly learned, building deep relationships with teenagers is always best done by understanding, including, and partnering with their parents. So here are some ways that I use relational ministry with teenagers to deepen relationships and partnerships with parents.
Communication
A relationship of trust and cooperation with a parent starts with good communication. First, when going to spend time with one of your teenagers, communicate with the caregiver of the teenager of your intention to do so. More importantly, use it as a time to communicate with the caregiver about your partnership with them. So, whenever I am going to spend time with a teenager, if the teenager’s caregiver goes to our church, I find them on a Sunday and just say something along the lines of, “I am excited to be grabbing a meal with [name] on Tuesday after school. Are there any hopes and concerns you might have for them that I might bring up with them from you as the parent, if the conversation leads to that topic?” If the teenager’s parent does not attend our church, I will just give them a call and do the same.
Second, a caregiver or parent will often take this question to share a little deeper. Sometimes, they might share a concern or frustration they have with their child. Sometimes, they might share something hopeful or an expectation they have about their teenagers. In this moment, that I often follow up by asking, “How can I and our youth ministry walk alongside you as the parent in your love and care for your teenager? It is what our ministry are all about.” I say these words to genuinely offer an ear and help to parents. But I also want to communicate to our parents that we are here as a youth ministry to partner with them. In other words, this is a way to communicate to parents that we are in partnership with them and in support of their work as parents. Likewise, we are a pastoral presence and help for them.
Finally, after visiting with a student or even when I am driving a student home from a youth group event, I always ask the student to text or call their parents on the way home and ask if it is okay for me to come to the door of their home to say hello. While my cultural context makes me more cautious of intruding on their space, most parents are usually fine with it. When I come to the door, I will say something encouraging about the teenager to the caregiver and add in my quick greetings to the parent(s) to reach out to me if they have any concerns or need anything concerning partnering with our youth ministry and walking alongside them as parents for the sake of their teenager. Our “pastoral” and relational presence to parents in this way goes a long way in seeking to partner with them.
Confidentiality
In Teenagers and Mental Health: A Handbook for Parents, Pastors, and Youth Leaders, a forthcoming book I wrote with my wife, we write extensively about our views and ministry practices with teenagers and confidentiality. The book outlines in more detail how we practice confidentiality in our ministry and suggestions for those serving teenagers.
Our ministry practices regarding confidentiality revolve around whether or when a youth leader might need to tell a teenager’s caregiver/parent something a teenager has disclosed to them confidentially. This is important to consider when doing relational ministry and contact work with teenagers because you will have some intimate and intense conversations with them. First, we assure all teenagers that we will respect their confidentiality fully and never go behind their backs. However, we also tell them that if we do ever need to “break” their confidentiality, we would tell them first (to not go behind their back).
Second, as youth leaders, there are times when we definitely need to tell someone else—for example, when there is potential for self-harm, harm to others, or a legal issue. Still, in these cases, we would tell the teenager first that we need to tell someone else. Finally, when we feel that we need to tell a caregiver/parent about a situation, we generally offer to teenagers to go with them to tell their parent or to tell their parents for them first.
Ultimately, ministry practices for confidentiality are important when doing relational ministry with teenagers. With relational ministry, in continually deepening relationships with teenagers, you might come across some heavy, intense, and difficult conversations. Moreover, since we, as youth leaders, are not their ultimate guardians or legal authority, practicing confidentiality wisely is prudent and foundational.
With these considerations in mind, relational ministry alongside parents is a fruitful way to do ministry to teenagers. When we connect with teenagers in these ways, God can open up their hearts and minds to grow in the Lord. Likewise, because most teenagers in your ministry have caregivers or parents, nurturing relationships with teenagers can also be a vehicle to nurture relationships with their caregivers. Youth leaders can walk alongside caregivers and parents and serve together to nurture the spiritual growth of their teenagers.
