“You can’t go on this mission trip!” a riled-up deacon proclaimed to his son after the youth pastor presented an exciting discipleship opportunity for the student leadership team. “College apps are coming up so you have to study hard this summer. Get A’s now. Serve God later!”
This declaration reveals the conflicting allegiances underlying Asian-American culture, establishing the partnership between the church and the home. Even though not everyone is from the immigrant generation, the fortitude and grit that enabled parents to leave everything behind (by will or by circumstance) shape their everyday priorities.
While growing up and raising children in an immigrant church, I observed three parenting characteristics. The first is the presence of honor/shame culture, which connects a child’s achievements to the public reputation of a family. One’s successes or failures reflect parenting effectiveness. The second is the emphasis on professionalism when it comes to education. Families prioritize their finances and calendars toward the best teachers and coaches for their kids. The third is the lack of relational discipleship among Christian parents. Life-on-life mentoring was not often practiced in their upbringing or experienced in their churches, making incarnational discipleship seem foreign.
“Partnering with parents in an Asian-American context requires us to relate to our students’ experience with a high degree of cultural understanding. Paul provided helpful guidance on how to lead older saints in his words to Timothy, his spiritual protege: “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” (1 Tim 5:1-2). To encourage and equip parents in their disciple-making role, we need to engage the relational pillars of their cultural framework with humility and winsomeness.
Get to Know Parents Personally
Parents want to know and be known by others, just like the rest of us. Often the conversation between a youth minister and a parent is reduced to one-way electronic messages with no opportunity for meaningful interactions between fellow image-bearers of God. Fruitful partnerships are built on mutual trust, especially in Asian American heritage. If parents rely upon you, that relational capital will carry you far in growing attendance, securing funds, and elevating your pastoral platform with their children.
Depending on youth group size, you may only have consistent conversations with a subset of parents. Therefore, start with those who are the most invested. Even better, form a team of parent representatives who serve specific grades in the youth group, and then pour yourself into knowing and training them for disciple-making. You will know this is working when God starts growing your love for and knowledge of each person, motivating you to shepherd them even more intentionally. Invite the parents to become your people. You’ll honor God’s call on your life as a disciple-maker and the dividends will pay off over time.
Give Parents Grace in Everyday Life
Parents nowadays lead full schedules for their households. It is common for eternal priorities to fall by the wayside, including their attention to and involvement in the spiritual development of their children. As a result, an internal accuser works around the clock to point out every shortcoming and then boomerangs shame right back. Instead of provoking their sense of insecurity and inclination to compare with others, the youth minister can demonstrate gospel grace by reminding them of their secured identity in Christ and the active work of the Holy Spirit in their children’s lives.
By seeing parents through the biblical lens as redeemed sinners in need of grace, you earn the privilege to bear their burdens as they open up about their struggles. They don’t need you to remind them (like many of their parents did) of how they’ve messed with, mixed up, and missed out on opportunities. Dads and moms are not the perfect saviors of their children because they are not the Christ—only Jesus is. Therefore, when they fall short, show them the compassion that we all need by praying for and pointing them to the faithful companionship of Jesus and the family of God.
Go with Parents on the Journey
The immigrant impulse is to set up the next generation for success in the new country. This is a noble desire that the youth minister can champion as well. More than material prosperity, the gospel promises us a purpose for living and an identity anchored in Christ that cannot be taken away.
Contrary to what parents might sometimes be tempted to think, following Jesus does not deprive parents or their teenagers of good things. Instead, all who repent and believe receive the gift of eternal life and heavenly treasures that will never perish. Christ’s call to deny oneself, pick up the cross, and follow him contains glorious promises that will not be completed until his return. May we persevere with parents to point students to the ultimate treasure in Christ that is worthy of every person, position, and possession in this life (Matt. 13:46).
The Bible teaches that Christians are “sojourners and exiles” (1 Pet. 2:11) in a land that is perishing. When the youth minister can show the gospel and reveal Christ to the parents from Scripture and through knowing, journeying, and giving them grace, a growing partnership will flourish between the church and the home, both of which are essential and irreplaceable.
If you are looking for more insights about gospel-centered ministry in Asian American contexts, Rooted has a new new podcast called Asian American Youth Ministry Roundtable.
