A parent once requested a meeting with me and one of the youth volunteers who had been serving in the ministry a long time. I could tell from his email that he had some kind of serious concern, and his demeanor confirmed my suspicion when we finally met in person. This father had heard from others in the church that the youth ministry prohibited parents from attending the youth meeting or serving as leaders. He wondered whether we had something to hide.
I was new to my role and catching up to this particular policy, which my predecessor had established in effort to help teenagers feel comfortable at youth group. As I began to peel back the layers of the onion, I learned that this issue was only the surface of a very tense, generational border war that had been simmering for decades. If I continued the policy restricting parent involvement, I could get more kids to invite their friends, but I would likely experience tension with many parents and possibly with church leaders. On the other hand, if I opened the youth meeting to parents, adults would be pleased, but many kids would likely leave the ministry. I feared some might even growing up hating the church.
This was one of the landmark situations I had to deal with in my adjustment to working in a Chinese heritage church as a half-black, half-white youth pastor. I had always heard about the cultural differences between immigrant parents and their second or third generation kids. Now I was experiencing it first-hand. I felt completely out of my league standing in the gap of a very sensitive conflict among a culture that is not my own.
You see, in many Western families, parents and teenagers often hug, joke, and banter with each other. Eastern culture, on the other hand, necessitates emotional distance between parents and their children. Asian American children and teenagers aren’t supposed to feel comfortable around their parents because parents are the authority. Telling teenagers their moms and dads may attend the youth gathering essentially means that the teenagers themselves can no longer feel comfortable at the meeting.
As youth ministers, we will often face challenging generational dynamics like this one—whether we serve in Asian American churches or in a different context. The Bible gives us wisdom for these complex relationships with teenagers and their parents alike.
The Importance of Parents
Deuteronomy 11 makes it clear that parents are in the lead position when it comes to discipling their children, not paid professionals or volunteers recruited by a local church. In verses 18-19, Moses tells the Israelites, “You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul…You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”
Paul continues this teaching in the New Testament, telling the Ephesians in to “train up your children in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). The idea of outsourcing spiritual development to a professional the way many parents do with basketball coaching or instruction in piano was a foreign concept in the time of the Bible. Ancient people understood that the primary means by which children come to follow the Lord is their parents, and modern research indicates the same reality in our world today.
So even though I wanted my students to feel comfortable without parental interference, I knew that biblically and culturally, I had to listen to the parents. The rule from the previous youth leader, though well intentioned, was driving a serious wedge in parents’ discipleship efforts. While we want to respect the parents of our student in any cultural setting, you have to go even further in a culturally Eastern setting that prizes the wisdom of the elders.
Parents will have a difficult time discipling their teenagers if we shut them out of vital aspects of their children’s spiritual growth. One way to facilitate this partnership is to allow parents to experience the worship and teaching that goes on at youth group. This is doubly true in immigrant churches where parents often don’t speak fluent English, and have communication difficulties and cultural adjustment challenges in raising their children. They need all the help and access to discipleship material that they can get.
If Deuteronomy 11 were written today in the context where I serve, it would say something like “talking of them with your children as you drive to tutoring and SAT prep class and home from church, when you are eating meals together or having a family reunion, and when you put them to bed at night.” The youth minister’s job is to figure out how to encourage parents to accomplish this.
Gospel-Centered Wisdom
As I wrestled with my inadequacy to solve a complex cultural and relational tension, I knew I had to respect the parents wishes. I also knew I had to respect the family dynamics of teenagers who cherish having a space to express themselves in worship and Christian community.
Asian American youth often feel like they are out of place wherever they go. At school and among friend groups, they are “Asian” because often times the schools are predominantly white and they often feel as if they have to “act white” to fit in. In their family gatherings they are “white American” because they often don’t have a fluent grasp on their parent’s language and don’t have the natural familiarity with their cultural heritage that their parents do. So they have to do what is called “code switching,” which gets exhausting. Youth group is often the one place they meet people who are just like them, who share their same experience. I had to respect this aspect of my students’ relational experience.
With the help and wisdom of leaders in the church, I proposed that parents could attend youth group for the worship and teaching, and then allow teenagers to have their own discussion of the teaching with their youth leaders. If a parent really wanted to participate, they could become a youth leader. This way, parents are present to hear the teaching their teenagers receive, which is helpful for at-home discipleship. The youth leaders would screen each potential candidate to see which parents could participate based on their spiritual walk and their relationship with their teenage children. There are a few teenage parents who serve, but the family dynamics are such that their participation bridges the generational divide rather than widening it. Still, we make sure that youth have some space to ask questions or disclose situations that they may not yet feel comfortable discussing with their parents around.
Prioritizing Partnership with the Gospel in Mind
Most every youth minister will face a dilemma regarding how to best partner with parents. Sometimes the solution is clear, but many times it will only appear to bring temporary peace in an otherwise messy conflict. As youth ministers, we need to rely on the grace and wisdom God has given us through the Holy Spirit and the voices of others in the church so that we may persevere in the midst of difficult situations. I needed both plus a spirit of humility to navigate this conflict.
There will always be teenagers who have challenging relationships with their parents, no matter your cultural context. There will always be parents who seem intrusive or out of touch. Balancing these two competing phenomena can feel like trying to walk on water. But the goal of the youth minister should be to rely on the Word of God and the grace of the Savior, not choosing the winning side of a church politics debate. The gospel not only secures our salvation for eternity through the Son, it gives us power and wisdom through the Holy Spirit today. We needn’t be dismayed or be tempted to give up in these difficult situations because we have a God of infinite wisdom who gives us guidance and direction through the Holy Spirit.
Looking for support and camaraderie for gospel-centered youth ministry? Consider joining our August 2024 youth ministry mentorship cohort.
