I can remember when, several years into my youth ministry career, I was sitting in front of a group of about 25 teenagers. Their 16-year-old friend had died. They were either crying or in shock. I didn’t show up expecting to say anything—it was meant to be a time of prayer—but it quickly became clear that all eyes were on me. What did I need to say?
If you work with children, youth, or families long enough, you will encounter tragedy, and you will necessarily have to rise in leadership in those moments.
The same goes for parents. When you have a baby, you do not foresee the part of your job description that includes telling your kids that their grandparent or pet has died. Nevertheless, you’ll find yourself in this position more routinely than you would imagine.
And we have all been in the audience when, in harrowing times, words either brought great hope or completely missed the mark, causing further pain. As I reflect on experiencing both sides of these tragic situations, as the speaker and in the audience, here are four characteristics of a good word in a tragic moment.
A Good Word Is True
In moments of tragedy or crisis, every person, no matter how spiritually mature they are, struggles with theological questions. How could a good and loving God allow such pain? How could a sovereign God tolerate such darkness? Everyone experiences some degree of theological dysphoria.
The worst thing that a Christian leader can do in these moments is say things that are simply not true according to Scripture. In my book, Therefore I Have Hope: 12 Truths That Comfort, Sustain, and Redeem in Tragedy, I tell the story of a pastor saying in a funeral after an awful death, “God didn’t have anything to do with this.” No, God is never the author of evil. That’s contrary to his holiness.
But it’s also a lie to suggest that God is not involved. While mystery exists, Scripture is crystal clear that God has something to do with everything. Jesus said, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father” (Matt. 10:29). The whole counsel of Scripture attests to the sovereignty of God, even in tragic events.
Soft-pedaling hard, theological realities in tragic moments is a big temptation. Still, no one is ever well-served in the immediate moment or in the long run by things that contradict Scriptural truth. Theological truth always points to the character of God and the character of God always provides long-term hope. Resist the temptation to soft-pedal: tell the truth.
A Good Word Is Pastoral
I attended a funeral after the violent death of a teenager. It was awful. A few hundred teenagers showed up to say goodbye to their classmate, and most of them were in tears. The preacher delivered a theologically precise sermon, but it was also the single worst homily I have ever heard at a funeral. In fact, I wept, largely because of how insensitive and dehumanizing the word was. The preacher was aloof and lacked compassion. His tone came across as harsh and cold.
Perhaps the most important aspect of a Christian leader’s posture is to have a deep sense of empathy towards what the audience is experiencing. Think about what this death means in the lives of these kids. What questions is it creating for them? What existential crisis may be unraveling in their hearts? Realize that at the end of all these thoughts is lots and lots of pain.
As the old adage goes: it’s rarely what you say, and usually how you say it. A true word with a kind, gentle, and comforting tone is absolutely essential in these moments. The Lord pledged that he would not break a bruised reed (Matt. 12:20; Isa. 42:3). An impersonal tone lacking in tenderness can further break a heartbroken audience. It’s critical to pray for and pursue a gentle, kind tone above all things in these challenging moments.
A Good Word Is Honest
At a funeral I attended after the tragic death of a child, the pastor named the horrific reality of the death right out of the gate. Something about this honesty eased the tension in the room and won the attention of the congregation. It’s as if everyone knew, “Alright, this guy is going to shoot straight with us. This is worth listening to.”
Minimizing the magnitude of the situation is a critical mistake that parents and youth ministers can make. After a woman had a miscarriage, I listened as a grandmother only spoke about all the positives while her grieving and confused grandchildren sat by. It was infuriating. The miscarriage was a death. It was deeply sad. That needed to be named. Instead, the the grandmother’s sugarcoating felt like gaslighting, creating confusion and disorientation. We can think that avoiding the deeply painful nature of the situation softens the moment or grants people a reprieve. In reality, it can insult the dignity of the moment and hurt people.
One of the most refreshing aspects of the Bible is the brutal honesty about the anguish of life. Honest expression of crushing sorrow fills the book of Lamentations. The speaker declares near the opening: “Judah has gone into exile because of affliction and hard servitude; she dwells now among the nations, but finds no resting place; her pursuers have all overtaken her in the midst of her distress. The roads to Zion mourn, for none come to the festival; all her gates are desolate; her priests groan; her virgins have been afflicted, and she herself suffers bitterly” (Lam. 1:3–4).
We don’t have to dwell on it. We don’t need to suggest that darkness has won. But we do need to acknowledge the bitter pain that inherently exists when tragedy strikes. Otherwise, we will fail to dignify either the suffering of the victims or the feelings of those connected to them.
A Good Word Is Hopeful
That Jesus Christ owns the market on hope provides your greatest source of confidence when delivering a word in a tragic moment. He rose from the dead! Sin and death are defeated! He reigns on high! No matter how dark the moment may be, the light of Jesus is always greater. The most important responsibility for the parent or youth minister in these moments is to offer hope in Christ as the last word.
Paul writes, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope” (Rom. 15:13). All hope emanates from God himself. We see this evidenced in the resurrection of Jesus. We have this assurance via God’s promises of his goodness, sovereignty, and favor. When we remember the certain expectation of heaven, we find this comfort.
Be truthful. Be pastoral. And be honest. Above all, give young people hope in Christ when you stand before them in a tragic moment.
If you’re seeking gospel-centered community as you labor through hardship, consider applying for one of Rooted’s youth or family ministry mentoring programs.
