The call chilled me. My friend had committed suicide.
There are many seasons that pastors walk through with students, but some are more like a hurricane season than a rainy season. In these moments, much of what we learned in seminary seems to fade, and, if you’re like me, you do not know what to say. I have received a call like this more than once. Over the years I’ve learned several approaches to stepping into hardship and suffering.
Although I have suicide particularly in mind throughout this article, I have found these practices helpful in situations involving other types of grief. My desire is to give you a few tools to use as you sit into a room filled with grieving people, desiring to help them. Below are five strategies to help you come alongside teenagers and parents who are suffering in the face of death.
Set The Tone Of Grace
Before anyone shares or speaks, I seek to set the tone of grace. I remind people that Jesus cares about this moment. When suffering presents many uncertainties, it is good to remember the presence and character of God. I do this by reading portions of Psalm 34 or John 11. Whatever it is, I want teenagers and parents to know that Jesus sees this moment, cares about this moment, and weeps with them. Fellow youth ministers, when you step into heavy moments of pastoral care, I encourage you to come prepared with a way to set the tone of grace.
Breathe
When I enter a room of teenagers or parents who are grieving, I realize that everyone else there is experiencing the same loss in different ways. There are a host of emotions in the room, and before individual care is given, it is helpful and necessary to create a space of sober-mindedness. One way to achieve sober-mindedness is by inviting everyone to take a breath.
Neuroscience teaches us that the brain uses 20% of the body’s oxygen. That is important to know, because when individuals feel anxious or distressed, a common practice is for them to stop breathing. In other words, when distressed, people forget to breathe. Because the brain is deprived of oxygen, it impacts the person’s ability to think clearly. The individual lacks the ability to helpfully process pain because their brains lack the needed nourishment.
With this in mind, I sit with individuals. Before anything is said on their part, I walk people through breathing exercises. It might also be helpful to revisit these breathing exercises if people experience highlighted emotions again later. In short, breathing offers practical stability to tumultuous emotions.
Good To Grieve
Yes, breathing helps gain sober mindedness, but sober-mindedness does not mean emotionless-ness. As C.S Lewis notes, “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape” (A Grief Observed, 56-57). Lewis is saying that grief is layered, and, through grieving, new griefs are revealed. Providing space for uninterrupted grief allows for individuals to process reality. Again, Lewis writes, “Death of a loved one is an amputation. We are in a way to get over it, but we never get over the amputation” (A Grief Observed, 52). He means that just as an amputation removes a limb and heals, there is still a part of you missing. Similarly, when people die (and in tragic ways), they are missing from your life. Grief confronts reality. Like the missing limb, you remember what life was like before it was lost – so we grieve.
After a setting a tone of gospel grace and practicing breathing, be sure to allow honest grief to take place. A lot of times, this just means letting people cry. John 11 helpful again. Jesus grieves Lazarus. Scripture tells us that “he wept.” Properly understood, death is not normal for human beings. God created humanity for life, but sin brought death into the world. As individuals process death, it is important to remember that there is a supernatural element to healing. Only the Holy Spirit can genuinely comfort his people.
Good To Remember
The Book of Acts gives us many important insights, including how to remember the dead. In Acts 9, a disciple named Dorcas died. Now, before Peter brought her back to life, something else happened. The text reads: “So Peter rose and went with them. And when he arrived, they took him to the upper room. All the widows stood beside him weeping and showing tunics and other garments that Dorcas made while she was with them” (Acts 9:39). What were the widows doing? They were remembering what Dorcus had done and what she meant to them. They celebrated her generosity and kindness.
As individuals grieve, it is helpful to lead a time of reflection. This can mean focusing on meaningful experiences they had with the deceased, or relating something about them that was special. I’ve been in moments where tears of pain turn joyful as people remember a certain memory about the person. This includes with people who committed suicide. Regardless of how the individual passed, it is good to lead a time of remembering.
Share the Gospel
I’ve heard it said that funerals are for the living, and so are the moments of processing horrific circumstances. After helping students process their loss, I always want to rehearse the gospel: that God saves sinners through the work of Christ so that we can enjoy life with him forever. I encourage students to think about what happens following death, and I remind them of the good news that we can be with God forever. I’ve found talking to students about death, after a death, is helpful. In many ways, they are detached from it in their daily lives. When moments arise when death kicks down their door, it is good to prepare them to know how to walk through the door confidently.
Here is where it is so important to preach the gospel. Simply pointing students to John 3:16 is a hopeful way to stare death in the face. It is good for the living to remember that death is inevitable, and moments of loss create the space to do that.
As youth ministers, we grieve having to walk with students through the death of their friends and family, classmates and colleagues. Thanks be to God, the gospel provides hope in every circumstance. May these five guidelines create a framework for anyone to walk in the door with a plan (as best as you can) to serve the people before you.
If you’re seeking gospel-centered community as you labor through hardship, consider applying for one of Rooted’s youth or family ministry mentoring programs.
