Occasionally, my pastor husband gives me a rundown of his upcoming sermon. One evening, as I stirred chili for dinner, he began to share his latest message. I remember stopping mid-stir, pointing my wooden spoon in his direction: “Hon, this is the sermon our son needs. We have to make sure he’s there on Sunday.”
That little moment captures so much of the internal tug-of-war I faced as a mom during those teen years. My boy had a rough run in high school. Rebellion and poor choices left my husband and me repeatedly pleading with God, begging him to draw our son to Jesus.
But my trust in God was tangled up with my need to control our son’s spiritual journey – I could hardly tell the difference between surrender and striving. As quickly as I would say, “Lord, help,” verbally acknowledging my insufficiency, I would turn around and devise my grand plan to control his heart-change: If we get him to church on THIS Sunday for THIS sermon, then his heart will surely change.
My plans didn’t work. But that didn’t stop me from anxiously trying again and again, convinced I could orchestrate his heart change.
Maybe this striving feels familiar. The illusion of control is one of Satan’s most devious maneuvers in parenting. The striving to control becomes even more painstaking when it comes to our children’s spiritual growth. We deeply desire that they follow Jesus – his ways, his Word, his path.
At the heart of that desire is the hope that they will know and trust the good news of the gospel: that Jesus lived the perfect life that we could not live, died the death we deserved, and rose again so that all who trust in him are forgiven and made new. We want our children to know this grace that saves!
So, it’s a good desire, but we can too quickly act as saviors in our kid’s life and forget that The Savior, Jesus, is the only one who is ultimately in control of their spiritual journey.
1 Corinthians 3:6-7 makes that abundantly clear. In these verses, Paul points out that he is a mere instrument in God’s hand when it comes to his efforts to spread the gospel:
“I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth.” 1 Corinthians 3:6-7
Parent, there is encouragement in the reality that while we have a responsibility to plant and water the spiritual life of our kids, only Jesus gives the growth. The grace in this news provides freedom from anxious striving and makes room for restful surrender to our good and gracious God.
Faithful Planting and Watering
Just because Jesus alone is the one who changes hearts does not mean that we need merely to sit back and watch it unfold. We have a clear responsibility to be faithful planters and caretakers in our teen’s spiritual journey.
What does this look like practically?
We know from other passages in Scripture that the “planting” includes things like teaching, explaining, and modeling (Duet. 6:6-7). We plant when we read the Bible to and with them. We plant when we search the Scriptures together to find answers to tough questions. We plant when we model a life centered on Jesus – not a perfect life –but a life where Jesus and his Word are valued and where forgiveness and repentance are familiar rhythms. We plant when we involve them in the life of the church, making worship a priority.
Watering is merely nurturing what has already been sown. Watering is showing grace and the gospel truth when they fail. Watering is faithfully praying for our kid and talking about Jesus, even when there is resistance or eye-rolling. Watering is making room in the schedule for church services, mentors, and ministries like youth group where they will be further cultivated spiritually.
Planting with faithfulness and watering with love happens while simultaneously trusting God in the outcome. The planting and watering aren’t done to “make” God act in the way we want and in the time we desire. Because our God is loving and merciful, he is patient with us in our striving to control. However, he also makes clear that He is perfectly sovereign, and he will give spiritual growth in his way and in his timing.
The Growth is God’s Work
The fact that God is sovereign over the heart of your child is one of most freeing realities for a parent. While we’re called to faithfulness, we don’t need to carry the burden of the results. There are no hands gentler, more loving, merciful, or gracious than the hands of Jesus. We should want to release our control to his.
My husband likes to say that everyone should plant a garden at least one time in their life. He thinks it’s the best possible activity to be reminded that you are not ultimately in control. A couple of years ago, we planted a vegetable garden. My husband was meticulous in caring for those veggies. Toward the end of the summer, we had exactly one decent tomato and zero anything else.
All the pleading, spraying, pruning, and shooing deer with some foul-smelling concoctions produced one successful tomato. It’s humorous, but it’s also a vivid picture of parenting. We plant and water faithfully, but the growth is never in our hands.
Seeing Harvest
After years of attempting to play god in my son’s spiritual journey, the Lord, in his grace and mercy, convicted me. I watched as my son sat in the driveway for a long time with a friend who I’d deemed as “trouble” from the past. My heart sank, yet again, as I prayed for what felt like the billionth time: “Lord, please draw him to yourself.” He eventually sauntered into the kitchen. I was quiet, upset at God for not answering my many prayers, upset at my son for not making smarter choices. In the middle of my stewing, my son interrupted, saying, “Mom, that kid really likes Jesus.”
What transpired was weeks of discipleship from this boy who had himself been discipled and was on fire for Jesus. The Lord used the last person I would have expected to reveal himself to my son, and we watched spiritual transformation unfold before our eyes.
The sermons, the mentors, the Christian camps and words from his parents were all seeds planted and watered. But God tenderly showed me that nothing I do will bend my child’s heart to God. Only God can do that.
And he did. In his perfect timing, and in his perfect and unexpected way.
I don’t know what your child’s story will be. No person can promise you the age or season that your teen might begin to flourish in their faith. Only the Lord knows that. But you can rest knowing that God is at work. He is always tending and drawing hearts to himself. So, keep planting. Keep watering. And surrender the rest to the only one who gives the growth—our good and gracious God.
