As a pastor, I have spent time with multiple parents who had lost children. However, I truly had no idea what child-loss sufferers felt and needed until my own son died suddenly in 2013.
I have attempted to portray the lament and experience of these parents in Therefore I Have Hope: 12 Truths That Comfort, Sustain, and Redeem in Tragedy. I’ve also intended to bring hope to parents who have lost children in the book, Heavenward: How Eternity Can Change Your Life on Earth. I think both of these books are helpful for friends to understand the inner psychology of parents in these tragic situations. Still, the practical question remains, “What do I do for my friend who has lost a child? How do I help?”
In this article, I would like to offer people six ways to help friends and neighbors whose children have died.
1. Sometimes, “I don’t know what to say,” is the best thing to say.
We all wish we had the magic word that would comfort our friend who has lost a child. Meanwhile, we are also afraid of saying the wrong thing. The worst thing you can do immediately after a friend has lost a child is to say nothing. Meanwhile, in trying to say the right things, people inadvertently say hurtful things. Proverbs says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent (10:10). Therefore, know that humbly saying to your friend, “I just don’t know what to say. I am so sorry and I love you,” is a worthy, helpful statement. Just showing up and saying that conveys plenty of love.
2. Showing that you grieve with us is a great comfort.
Some people think that you should never let a grieving person see your tears. While you certainly do not want to burden a child-loss sufferer, it is a comfort to know that you grieve with us. It is powerful to know that we are not alone in our sadness. Nearly five years after my son’s death, I remember everyone who cried in the greeting line before the funeral as they offered condolences. People years later who tell me that they miss my son and still mourn his absence touch my heart. Keep in mind that one of the most compassionate and empathetic moments of Jesus’ ministry occurred when he wept with Martha and Mary at the death of Lazarus (John 11:35). Your tears can offer a deep expression of love.
3. Know that we never stop grieving the loss of our child.
People I have talked to who lost children more than 40 years ago still have a broken place in their hearts for their child. While other people move on, the break in your heart heals but never fully goes away. Paul refers to death as the final enemy of God (1 Cor. 15:26). It makes sense that the tail of loss would last a lifetime. For this reason, losing a child is an incredibly isolating experience. Asking a child-loss sufferer about their grief and what their mourning looks like five or ten years later is a gift indeed. It communicates, “I know that you still lament your child’s death and I am with you.”
4. When you remember birthdays and anniversaries, you distinguish yourself as a faithful friend who “gets it.”
No matter how much time elapses, our child’s birthday and the anniversary of his death remain horribly sorrowful. The old wounds are dredged up anew, as freshly as if he died yesterday. Making an annual reminder on your calendar and sending a text or email to your friend to remember their child will mean a tremendous amount to them. You distinguish yourself as a friend. Christian love “bears all things” and “endures all things” and “perseveres” (1 Cor. 13:7). True persevering love has a vision to love people for the long haul.
5. Most of us like to talk about our child who passed away.
While it may feel like a risky move, asking a friend questions about their deceased child can be a great joy. In general, we like to pronounce the name of our baby. (“Cameron” — such a sweet sound to me.) We find joy in talking about our child’s personality, appearance, quirks, and talents. Some child-loss sufferers may not want to go there, so it is wise to offer a caveat such as, “If you’re comfortable talking about it, I’d really like to hear more about what your child was like.” It opens the door for the parents to realize the deepest desire of any child-loss sufferer: that our children are always remembered.
6. That child who died counts.
The oldest child living in my house is my second child. My actual oldest child lives in heaven. I parent three children in my home, but I have four children, even if one is not physically present. You can honor both the parents and the child by including the lost child in the total number of family members. When someone refers to my baby (third child in the house) as my “fourth child,” it means so much that they remember that I have a son in heaven.
King David possessed this eternal mindset when he spoke of his son who died young. When asked why he was not grieving, David said “now that he is dead, why should I fast? Shall I be able to bring him back any more? I shall go to him rather: but he shall not return to me” (2 Sam. 12:23). No, his son was not with him and though he dwelled in heaven, he remained his son. David would see him again in God’s time.
In labeling the order of or number of kids in the family, keep the deceased child in the order or the count. It validates the biblical reality that, even though the child has passed on from this world, the child lives with God. The child is still the child of those parents, even if God the Father now raises the child in eternity.
For more words of comfort amidst grief, please watch and share Rooted’s video series with Cameron Cole about his book, Therefore I Have Hope.
