At the end of last month, we received this heartbreaking piece from longtime Rooted friend and Steering Committee member Mark Howard. Because he knows how very difficult conversations about death can be, Mark offered to share how he and his wife talked with the children after a family tragedy. Although he had his very young niece in mind as he crafted his sermon, there were children of all ages at the service who needed the sensitivity and wisdom Mark and his wife offered to them.
In times of deep grief, we need the hope of the gospel most of all. Mark and his wife Tiffany put that hope into simple, beautiful words. We are grateful to them for their faithful witness to God’s goodness at this sad time.
Just recently I gave a message to my 5-year-old niece and the other children at the funeral of her father, who died days before his 40th birthday.
I have never been so grateful to be married to my wife, who is a clinical child psychologist. Together, we worked on a message that tried to utilize some best practices from talking to children about death from a psychological perspective, while also giving them the hope of the gospel and the resurrection.
From a psychological perspective, we wanted to address the following:
- Why we are all gathering
- Why people may seem sad
- Why mommy is crying
- Where daddy is now
- Explaining the casket and that daddy isn’t “stuck” in the box (we did this with her beforehand, as we didn’t want to draw attention to it during the funeral service itself)
- Explaining the order of the service and when she will exit with the other kids (also done beforehand)
- Remembering daddy is safe and she is loved beyond measure
From a gospel perspective, I wanted her to hear:
- Her daddy didn’t die from a lack of God’s caring. God cares about her and her daddy very much.
- God knows death is wrong.
- God has promised to fix this broken world, including her daddy’s broken body.
- Jesus came to fulfill this promise and to rescue the world.
- Jesus died, like her daddy, but didn’t stay dead.
- Resurrection is more than just being made alive again—it’s new creation.
- Just as God’s Spirit raised Jesus from the dead, God promises us resurrection one day, too.
- God asks us to wait for Jesus’ to return—but not because God has forgotten his promise to make all things new.
- Waiting will not be easy. We are allowed to be angry and sad.
- She’s not alone—she has community in addition to having God’s love.
When I first starting thinking about what to say, I was thinking about using the New Testament’s way of talking about death as “being asleep.” And while I think it’s a beautiful metaphor for death, my wife said that for children and even for preteens, this way of talking about death can actually make them more afraid to go to sleep at night. Specifically, it can cause the child to worry they won’t wake up.
My wife said that a better metaphor for children is that of the body breaking. Not only is this easier for them to understand, I also love it because beautifully connects to the Lord’s Supper, where we remember how Jesus’ body was broken and given for us.
With all that in mind, below is what my wife and I put together. My prayer is that you will never have to prepare or give such a message. But until Jesus returns, death will continue to be a part of our experience. So, in the meantime, maybe this will be helpful for you as you think about how to talk about death and the hope of resurrection with children and younger teenagers.
***
Have you ever had a toy or stuffed animal you loved so much break?
How did that make you feel?
Not good, right? Sad. Maybe even mad?
You know how your parents and family and so many other adults around you have been crying?
It’s because your daddy’s body has broken—and that makes us very, very sad because we love your daddy. We loved his hugs and his laughter and the way, before his body broke, he could walk into a room and fill it with his life and presence.
And so, we cry because we’re sad and we love your daddy.
But if we love your daddy this much, we know God loves him much, much more.
And if we want nothing more than to fix his body and make your daddy alive again, we know God does too.
And that is why Jesus came. Because Jesus loves us and this broken world, and he knows every broken thing needs to be fixed, including your daddy.
You know that Jesus died, too, right? How his body was also broken like your daddy’s?
That was very sad. People cried then, too.
But did Jesus stay dead?
No, he didn’t.
God the Father by the Spirit raised Jesus and made his body alive again! But it’s even better than that—God took Jesus’ broken body and made it new. Made it better.
Jesus new body is like ours—but also it is wildly more special.
There are stories in the Bible of the risen Jesus walking and talking and even cooking fish for his friends. But his new body could also do weird things like walk through locked doors and disappear.
But best of all, Jesus’ new body could never be broken again.
And this is so important for us. The Bible tells us that for all those who are connected to Jesus in our hearts and who Jesus is holding in his heart—like you, me, and your daddy—our bodies will also one day be made new. Just like Jesus’ body was made new.
Our bodies will be made special, like Jesus’ body.
So right now, your daddy’s spirit is with God in heaven. He’s not hurting any more.
But one day, when Jesus comes back to make all things new, your daddy’s body will be made new, too. And you’ll get to hug him and play with him once again. And death will be over.
But for now, God asks us to wait. I don’t like that part.
When it’s your birthday, do you like waiting to open your presents?
Waiting is hard and not very fun.
Your daddy is in your heart because Jesus is in your heart, and your daddy is with Jesus.
But there will be days when you will miss your daddy and you’ll want him to be with you in more than just your heart.
Those days will not be fun and you are allowed to cry and be sad or mad on those days, too.
But when you feel that way—I need you to know—you are not alone. Aunt Tiffany and I are here. Your mom is here. You have a big family who loves you—aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents.
And look around in this room. Everyone is here because your daddy touched each of their lives in some way. All of these people are here for you, too.
I love you, sweetheart, but God loves you even more. And God will always be with you. And one day, God will make it possible for you to be with your daddy again.
And you won’t be alone while you wait.
Please see further Rooted resources on grief.
