For many young Christians, last month’s violent social media content may have been the first time they saw someone die. We asked two counselors to weigh in, shedding light on how parents, youth workers, and teenagers can process well.
Please briefly introduce yourself.
G: My name is Gordon Bals. I am the founder and director of Daymark Pastoral Counseling in Birmingham, AL. I am also a professor of Pastoral Care and Counseling and director of the Master of Arts in Christian Counseling at Beeson Divinity School. A large part of my counseling focuses on marriage and family issues, trauma, grief and loss, and religious and spiritual issues (trouble integrating the gospel day-to-day).
R: My name is Rahab Marshall. I work as a licensed professional counselor in the state of Tennessee. I primarily work in a school setting as a school-based therapist. My work is with teenagers and their families/parents.
We’re talking today about the rise of accessibility to violent content on social media. For many teenagers, Charlie Kirk or Iryana Zarutska’s deaths may be the first time they saw someone die. What would your immediate response be if a teenager came to tell you about witnessing violence?
G: My immediate response would be to attune to the teenager, attempting to understand the impact from his or her perspective. In those moments, it can be hard to be curious and patient. It can be hard to believe that embodying the gospel to the teenager is the most helpful response. In reality, the way you talk to the teen, listen, and interact is a taste of the gospel that helps to push back the impact of trauma by providing a felt sense of safety. Because of a variety of factors, we all experience traumatic events differently. It is important to get outside of yourself and experience the moment from the teenager’s perspective.
R: This conversation could very well happen in my office. I would welcome the student and ask them to take a seat. I would take a breath and exhale. This would be a little exaggerated, hoping that it will prompt them to do the same and let the mirroring neurons do their thing. The breath also prompts me to reset/pause, respond from a more grounded place, and be less reactive). Then I would ask the student to tell me what happened. As they share, I would mostly listen. I would try to be curious about how they are responding to and understanding the communicated event. I am paying attention to body language, speech patterns, and emotional expression. Attending and being present is what clinicians are trained to do.
What is trauma? Is seeing something like this considered a traumatic experience?
G: The general rule about trauma is that it is individually experienced. How someone experiences a moment is more important than exactly what happened in the moment. One event can be traumatic to one teen and not to another. That is why it is so important for caregivers to develop unselfish, “incarnational” love. If caregivers have a one-size-fits-all or a “quick fix” mentality, they will not understand the event from the teenager’s perspective. Their counsel will miss the mark. The apostle Paul wrote, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29). Without patience and curiosity, we will not speak words that fit the occasion.
R: In simplest terms, trauma is any event or a series of events that a person experiences that is not only distressing, but triggers a sense of helplessness (worry about personal safety or safety of another person). The event(s) overwhelms one’s ability to cope and can lead to distressing emotions and thoughts, even after the event has passed. You don’t have to be present in the event—just seeing or hearing about something distressing can trigger a trauma response. An event can be traumatic if it changes how a person interacts with herself and the world around her. So, it is not just about the event, but how one responds to it that determines if it is traumatic or not.
Can seeing something distressing be traumatic? It depends on the level of distress one experiences and their ability to cope. Lapsed time plays a role, too. To be technical, someone can have an acute stress response to an event without automatically meeting the diagnostic criteria for PTSD.
What happens to our brains when we see this sort of content? How serious is it?
G: It depends on where a teen is and how well she has learned to work through difficult moments prior to the event. In general, after experiencing such an event, a well-adjusted teen will desire some type of social support. Certainly, that type of content is most likely going to bring fear or anxiety, so a teenager may go into fight or flight. That is where you want to help them regain a sense of safety before discussing the content.
Instead of fear or anxiety, it might bring curiosity or desires to do something similar. Those feelings would most likely cause her to shut down, feel ashamed, or become angry at herself. Picking up on those cues may come from attunement to countenance and tone. Patiently draw out such feelings so they can be rightly processed. That is why a posture that invites the teen to discuss how it impacts her is central to helping.
R: Our brains are amazing! They are super computers that are constantly processing so much during waking and sleeping hours. On a primitive level, our brains work so hard in keeping us safe and getting us back to homeostasis. The brain develops as we get older and becomes more sophisticated through learning/experiences. Pathways (or branches) are created, strengthened, or weakened. There is significant brain growth and pruning during teenage years.
We risk overwhelming the system and becoming vulnerable to triggers when we are exposed to constant/repeated content, images, or events that trigger our fight, flight, or freeze response (activating/triggering our nervous system). A person can end up living in a more heightened state. A heightened nervous system can look like a decreased ability to cope with everyday stressors or emotional triggers such as: irritability, anger, restlessness, feeling on edge, easily triggered, anxiety, and avoidant behaviors when one is in the fight or flight response. It can also look like numbness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, apathy, decreased energy, sleeping a lot and still waking up tired. These are more typical of a freeze response.
So, how serious is it? It depends on how often the nervous system is activated and how long the person remains in that state. Some people may be more vulnerable than others. I would encourage anyone to be mindful of what we expose ourselves to. Still, it’s not all doom and gloom. Our brains and bodies have an ability to work towards homeostasis, healing, and repair. If distressing images affected you, the good news is that we have an ability to return or get to a place where we can feel and be calm, safe, open, and connected. After trauma, post-traumatic growth can also happen, provided there is an appropriate response to the trauma.
How do you help a teenager process immediately, alleviating short-term memory effects?
G: It is important to remember that no single incident determines a teenager’s future. If you have a relationship with that teenager, any moment can become part of a bigger conversation. This has more to do with how you are living out the gospel before those moments. Most likely, an over-focus on the moment at hand will prevent you from relating well to the teen.
Practically, I wouldn’t focus on the particulars of the moment and what they saw. I would focus on how the teenager is feeling and try to help him recapture a “felt” sense of safety. I would also encourage them to delete the image or video and do what is necessary as a means of grace to not have access to it. There could be instances where the video/image needs to be saved for legal/protective measures, and it might be important to help the teenager discern that without having them re-engage with the content of the video itself.
R: Be present, listen, and validate, if possible, without judgement. Encourage appropriate self-care such as sleep, healthy eating, hydrating, physical activity, and appropriate coping. Be mindful of caffeine and other substance. They can intensify the level of distress and/or disrupt the brain and body’s natural way of processing the event. The amazing thing is that God has designed the body, brain, and mind to heal themselves over time with the right support. I would encourage teenagers to be kind to self and others and to slow down if possible.
How do you help teenagers process so as to alleviate long-term memory affect?
G: In general, this will have to do with how able the teenager is to move through traumatic instances. If she has incurred developmental trauma in the past, that will make it harder for her to make room for a new traumatic event. If a teen experiences an event as traumatic, such a moment can be an opportunity to help her begin incorporating “bottom up” practices. These are practices like deep breathing, walking, mindful meditation, and resourcing that help the body to relax. Rationally trying to put a recent traumatic event into an understandable redemptive context will be hard if the teenager does not know how to incorporate practices that help her body find rest. Without physical rest, both parts of her brain cannot work together. The right side (where felt safety is experienced) will stay disregulated, no matter what she is hearing.
A simple example might help: If a teen has not slept well for a couple of days and his body is tired (disregulated) he will have a harder time recalling and remembering what is rationally true. He could read the Scriptures or pray while he is tired, but that would not have the same impact if he took a nap and then read the Scriptures or prayed.
We are more susceptible to the trials and temptations that come through our sinful nature when our body is disregulated, . This is why being attuned to the teen as you care for her is important. If your listening and speaking is not helping, she most likely needs to do some “bottom up” or somatic practices to help. A teenager might experience your care (listening and speaking) while you are taking a walk outdoors. This helps both parts of their brain work together.
R: I would remind the teen that it is completely normal for the brain to try to remember things and at times engage in “what if” thinking. If the memories are distressing and affect his day-to-day life (such as in nightmares or flashbacks), especially several weeks after the event, it may be time to seek out additional help.
How do you bring the gospel into these conversations?
G: I think a more helpful question might be, “How do you embody the gospel in these types of conversations?” I am not saying the content of what you say doesn’t matter, but we forget that learning and comprehending is not just auditory. It is also kinesthetic and visual. How you embody your care and how you hold the incident in your life will show (teach) them the gospel. That will often help more than the content of what you say.
R: That’s easy: the good news of the gospel is all around us. If we choose to pause, slow down, and pay attention we will see it and we can name it. Be intentional and start with yourself: how is Christ’s finished work showing up for you? How does your faith or understanding of the Bible help you make sense of the events around you? My personal experience and religious education allowed space for doubt. Is this something that you are comfortable with? Ask yourself if you are okay with sitting and just being with a teenager who shares a faith struggle, versus feeling you need to fix it.
My hope is that we can remember that we have a helper in the Holy Spirit. You don’t have to force or make the gospel moment happen. Even in moments of distress, God is always doing more than we know as he reconciles us unto himself.
Some hard questions may come up about students’ faith and understanding of the world. That can be an amazing part of spiritual growth.
How would you recommend a parent handle these conversations with a teenager?
G: Because counseling is the normal and natural function of Christian community, a parent’s relational posture toward their child should not be much different than a counselor’s. Selflessness, patience, self-control, and other-centeredness are fundamental qualities of caring for other human beings. Parent may struggle to be as rested and curious as a counselor. But, where parents embody the gospel will significantly demonstrate the direction the teenager can take in processing the event. Also, like the counselor, it is important (probably more important) for parents to remember that one moment is not as impactful as their whole relationship with their teen. In whatever way they move alongside their teen and learn about how he or she responds to traumatic moments, it can be part of a longer conversation they can keep getting better at having.
R: I would make the same recommendations to parents as to any adult or youth group leader. Be curious, validate, and normalize the emotional experiences. Teach and model appropriate coping. Create space and culture for your teen to be open and have the conversations. Remember to care for yourself, if possible, allowing you to be grounded and regulated enough to have the conversation.
How does the gospel offer hope for teenagers, parents, and youth workers in the wake of seeing violent content?
G: It is important to remember that the gospel does bring hope, no matter what we feel in the moment. Realizing there is a hope bigger than the moment helps you relax and care. It helps you see the hope in the moment as more evident. If you trust it is the Spirit’s job to make the hope evident, then you are more relaxed to help your teen experience and attach to the hope that is there. When you feel pressure to make your teen feel hopeful, it obscurs the hope that comes by believing the gospel. In fact, a caregiver’s hope in the moment (that it is the Lord’s job to make the hope real and manifest to the teen) gives them rest to help a teenager grieve, groan, and lament.
If experiencing trauma brings feelings of anxiety, fear, shame or self-contempt, and the caregiver listens and carries the teen’s burden without explicitly talking about what is hopeful, then the teen leaves feeling lighter and cared for. It might help her to hear the gospel more clearly because you bore the burden of chaos and difficulty that was causing unrest in their heart. Essentially, a good caregiver is a mediator that helps a hurting believer reconcile with the Lord. When that is the case, what he is saying and doing becomes more real and evident.
R: All the time and always. The very definition of the gospel is “good news.” There are constant examples of how we as human beings, God’s creation, mess up—and yet God showed up and rescued his people. We have examples of David, Solomon, Ruth, Esther, and of course Rahab, showing how minute moments of faith can heal a generation. Not always immediately, but in his timing. Then came Jesus, and he told us that he had conquered sin and death. Then the letters of the apostles teach us how to live in community with each other while we wait for his return. We have a helper in the Holy Spirit. Most of all, God is always present as he is reconciling us unto himself. By caring for hurting teenagers well, we can help them choose to place their hope in him.
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