Author’s note: when I opened the email asking me to contribute to a series on women in ministry, my immediate response was, “Nope! Too vulnerable. Too hard.” My stomach knotted up. I closed my laptop. Two days later, I considered my brother Danny Kwon and how his friendship in ministry has been healing to me. The humility in his invitation was compelling: he wanted the church to hear our stories. He also acknowledged that he wanted to learn from his own past failures. So I jotted down some article notes. Dear brothers have deeply blessed me in my time working for the church. They’ve helped me see my blind spots (Matt. 7:3-5). They’ve carried my burdens (Rom. 12:15). They’ve sharpened me spiritually (Prov. 27:17).
I became a full-time church worker almost 20 years ago. It has been an incredible privilege. It has been impossibly heart breaking. And it has been profoundly beautiful. Men have brought harm. And men have brought healing.
In fact, some of the deepest healing I’ve experienced in my life has come through brothers I’ve served alongside in ministry. They’ve helped me to learn what it means to be the family of God. These men have treated me as more than a mere coworker, more than someone with gifts to exploit, and more than someone to use for wisdom. They’ve embodied Romans 12:10, honoring and loving me as a fellow member of the body of Christ.
Relationship at the Heart of Ministry
The best ministry happens in community. God doesn’t intend for us to walk alone. Jesus sent the disciples out in pairs (Mark 6:7), and relationship is at the heart of Christianity. It is the very nature of our triune God. The students we’re serving encounter the Lord as much through our explicit teaching as they do through the relationships in our ministries—both with us and between us. Through observation and experience, they learn what it means to love one another as brothers and sisters in Christ.
I’m smiling right now as I envision the faces of brothers I’ve worked with who’ve seen and honored me well. I hear Ross Byrd’s compassionate words to me after I shared with him and his wife some heartbreak. I think of Cameron Cole’s invitation to me to be on the original steering committee of Rooted because of what he saw in me that I could not see in myself. And I remember Robby Holt’s advocacy before the North Shore Fellowship elders to bring me on staff, because he wanted who I was to be “pushed into the artery of our church.” These are men who I have known are for me and with me along the journey. I felt seen, heard, and valued by them. I knew (and was known by) their wives and families. They shared in and exhibited to me the love of Jesus.
Seen, Heard, and Valued
The longer I study the Bible, the more intrigued I am by the person of Jesus. I love considering theology, but I recognize that I am also quick to abstract God into a set of doctrines. I need constant course correction. Jesus’ interactions tend to do just that. His many ways of loving the person in front of him provide regular conviction for me. Am I seeing the story behind the person in front of me, as with the woman at the well (John 4)? Have I reduced them to what’s wrong with them, or can I see their deep value in the kingdom of God, as with the man born blind (John 9)? Am I prioritizing tasks and my own timetable, or do I welcome inconvenience for the sake of love, as with the feeding of the 5,000 (Matt. 14)?
These questions not only apply for us in relation to the people we’re serving in our churches. They apply for the people we’re serving alongside. Scripture tells us, “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another” (Rom. 13:8). Our efforts to love our co-laborers are essential to healthy ministry. We want to communicate their value to us and to honor the specific ways they contribute.
I am often the only woman in groups of men. Whether it’s pick-up soccer, theological book groups, or preaching team meetings, I am commonly the odd one out—not only by gender, but by my unmarried status and childlessness as well. This is a vulnerable position to be in. So when others respond to my presence with gracious and intentional welcome, I feel appreciated. Or when someone asks for my opinion, I get the sense my voice matters to the whole. It has been encouraging to have my experiences and perspectives as a woman invited and valued, instead of assumed or ignored. This is the body of Christ working together, honoring all parts and their contributions (1 Cor. 12).
Matthew 18: Faithful to Speak Truth
One of the ways we practice being the family of God is by speaking the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). I have a vivid memory of a brother in ministry doing this by speaking into one of my blind spots.
I had just finished my second year of being a youth director, easily working 55 to 65 hours a week. Ethan was my new summer intern. A few weeks in, he walked into my office looking a bit nervous and unsure. With his eyes to the floor, he ventured, “Hey Liz, I know you love your job. And you don’t mean to stress me out. But your stress and the sheer number of things you’re doing are sort of spilling over onto me.”
I was stunned. And so grateful. I had never thought about how my over-functioning and my poor boundaries with work could affect those around me. Ethan was generously allowing me to see one of the effects my overworking. He was faithful to confront me in love (Matt. 18:15).
Loving confrontation has become one of the things I value most in ministry. For a woman in the church, approaching a brother regarding something thoughtless or harmful he’s said or done generally requires an enormous amount of courage. And his response is revealing. When I’m met with explanations or excuses, which are forms of defensiveness, I learn that this issue may go deeper than I’d thought. He may need some extra grace and patience in that particular area, just as I might. He may also need a kick in the pants, just as I might. Trust increases for me when my concerns are received and welcomed with curiosity and concern. Trust decreases when I’m met with denial, anger, or even accusation about myself being the problem.
Consider the time I confronted a male coworker about driving teenagers while not wearing a seatbelt. He responded with anger and accused me of being disrespectful, which did not facilitate trust-building. Alternatively, consider the time I privately told a coworker that a joke he’d made had likely been hurtful to someone in the room. He thanked me humbly, apologized to me, and then took responsibility. He also apologized to the whole staff and invited further conversation.
Laying Down our Lives
Humility should characterize our relationships in the family of God (Eph. 4:2). Recognizing the power dynamics at work in ministry situations is essential, as it allows us to lay down our lives to build others up (Phil. 2:3-8).
If you are in a position of power, recognize that it can be extremely difficult for someone under your authority to tell you about your weaknesses, blind spots, and failures. It can be too costly, due to fear of relational fallout or even putting his or her job on the line. The healthiest situations I’ve been a part of have involved a culture of grace and humility, and regular practices of sharing both affirming and corrective feedback with one another.
The best leadership I’ve experienced has come from men who’ve empowered and equipped me. They’ve known that trust is earned; it is not assumed. They’ve humbly asked, “What is it like to work for me?” They’ve sought to take responsibility for how they’ve failed or offended those under their leadership (Ps. 139:23-24). I’ve seen them cultivate their ability to receive hard feedback, repent, and grow in love (Eph. 4:15).
If you are a man serving in ministry alongside women, your brotherhood has the potential to be far more redemptive than you may realize. It can impact not only the people you’re serving, but also the people you’re serving with. My prayer is that we will abound more and more in the love of Christ as we learn to be brothers and sisters (Phil 1:9). That love will overflow into our ministries, revealing to our students that we aren’t just saved from sin, we are saved into an eternal family, anchored in a love that far outweighs our own.
Looking to grow in leadership in youth or family ministry? Consider applying for one of Rooted’s gospel-centered mentorship programs.
