Being a woman in church youth ministry has often felt lonely. I have become resourceful for my own sake and given as much of God’s grace as I have received. At the same time, I’ve created spheres of community and accountability with female ministry colleagues. Both sisters and brothers have given me the refreshing gifts of understanding, affirmation, and support during my youth ministry tenure (15 years in varying capacities).
I’ve adhered to three axioms of advice that trusted mentors and friends imparted to me over the last decade. These reminders have helped me become resilient in Christ’s sufficiency during the moments when it is difficult to preach the gospel to myself. Each one contains a mixture of joys and challenges: contemplations of lessons learned, reminders of being grounded in Christ, and encouragement I wish I could have given to my younger self.
1. Ministry is largely self-feeding.
As a vocational youth minister, I am not able to participate in church life the same way that a non-staff person is. This lesson was the first that I learned, albeit the hard way, as a youth ministry intern. It was fulfilling to witness students respond to the gospel, grow in their faith, and invite non-believing friends into the church. Simultaneously, it can be challenging to engage in spiritual community separate from youth group due to overlapping ministry commitments. Even when I made attempts to get ministry help and carve out time for my age-specific gatherings, I later embraced that any sense of community I had was with those with whom I served.
So, if I could encourage my younger self in this regard, it’s to accept what exists (or doesn’t). There are few female ministry mentors in the church, but focus on nurturing the co-working and serving relationships you have with your team members. More crucially, tend to your relationship with God; it’s foolhardy to pour out from an empty cup. Look to expend from abundance in the Holy Spirit, rather than from scarcity. Church community is not a substitute for one’s own spiritual growth in Jesus. Unless I eat from the Lord’s table, I’m going to look for scraps wherever I go, and those still won’t be enough to fill me.
2. Bite your tongue (until it bleeds).
James encourages us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19). Being a woman in ministry has shown me that the best, most self-controlled decision may be to not do or say anything. There is a time and place to speak with firmness, clarity, and conviction. A couple of questions we may ask ourselves before speaking up: What’s my own state of mind and heart (Ps. 139:23-24)? Is this both useful and necessary for the one receiving my feedback (Eph. 4:29)? Additionally, we need to weigh the proximity of the relationship with the person we are considering addressing. A deep and trusting relationship is often best for harder conversations, especially ones that may involve matters of the soul and spirit, faith, and correction.
It can be hard to hold our tongues, but it may be more productive than dwelling on what we cannot change, even when that’s people.
Several years ago, church leaders invited me to share with a fellowship gathering about what it looked like for me to exercise passion for God and to follow the call to ministry. Later I learned that brothers had harshly commented in private, saying that I spoke out of ignorance and arrogance and should be rebuked for it. In response I wanted to say many things. But in this particular instance, I chose to examine the feedback before God. After I grieved the hurt I felt, I asked God to help me in confronting my insecurities and drawing nearer to Christ.
3. God—not your work—makes you worthy.
Despite having more than a decade of youth ministry field experience, I’ve fought people-pleasing, imposter syndrome, and feelings of inadequacy. There have been occasions when I’ve expended myself in multiple regards, and the only follow-up responses have been constructive feedback. These instances have led me to routinely recognize and battle a cynicism in ministry that deludes me to protect myself to keep me from feeling disappointed. I also fight developing myself excessively and striving for excellence, because I gravitate to believing the lie that I’m only wanted for my gifts.
I’ve been culturally conditioned that if I’m not getting ahead, I’m falling behind. (I’m still unraveling and unlearning that one.) And I confess that I tend to give much more than I allow myself to receive, because I think I’m more valued for what I can do than for who I am as a person. Both sisters and brothers face that temptation, but we are to be workers who seek the approval of God, not men (Gal. 1:10), and the gospel is one of grace, not of works (Eph. 2:8-9). There is nothing more you or I can do in service to the Lord or the church that would change the way God sees us or feels about you and me.
God’s Power in our Weakness
As God has shown his wisdom and care through my troughs and triumphs, I am reminded of the apostle Paul: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Cor. 12:9). The beauty of the gospel leads to gratitude in the breadth and depth of pains. As a seminary professor once commented on this verse: God wants to give us greater grace in the thorns.
I once read, “Life isn’t always fair, but God is always faithful.” I continue to believe that to be true. Sometimes, things don’t work out the way you want them to, but that doesn’t change who God is. If I knew then what I know now, I might be more gracious and patient with myself. I hope you will likewise remember God’s grace to you.
If you’re looking for support, encouragement, and training in youth ministry, we hope you’ll apply for Rooted’s youth ministry mentorship program.
