By the time it was half-time I needed an aspirin. The opposing coach had been yelling at his team the entire game. Nothing bad, just constant instructions: “Pass!” “Cross!” “Move-up!” “You’re offsides!” “Look over there!” If this coach thought it, he yelled it, as loud as he could… and he had lots of thoughts.
I coach my daughter’s junior high rec soccer team. I don’t like soccer, but I love my daughter. One night while watching YouTube videos on how to coach junior high soccer, I came across a video called, “Five signs your kid has a bad coach.” Not wanting to be a bad coach, I clicked the video. “One sign that your kid has a bad coach is that the coach is constantly joysticking their players,” said the brilliant YouTube soccer man on the screen.
“Joysticking” happens when the coach gives a steady stream of specific instructions to players during the whole game: “Pass it here!” “Run there!” “Shoot it!” While the coach means well, the players don’t learn to find an open player to pass to—they learn to respond to their coach’s yelling. Players don’t grow more independent; they grow more dependent. What’s even worse, the coach grows frustrated in the need to keep yelling all season.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s quite tempting to yell when your player is standing in front of the goal and not taking a shot, especially if that player is your kid. But why? Why do coaches “joystick?”It could be fear of failure – maybe losing was a sin in their household; fear of others – maybe they don’t want to be seen as losers; or maybe they are trying to relive some of their own glory days.
Regardless, the goal of a good coach is not to control his or her players, but to develop them, and you can’t develop players if all you do is “joystick” them.
You know where I’m going with this. Parents can “joystick” their kids. Some are “joysticking” their child’s every move by constant instruction, disapproving looks, grunts, or passive aggressive comments. As a parent of 14 years and a guy who has worked with youth and parents for over 15 years, I think this is a big problem in parenting. We “joystick” our kids. At least I do. Our kid’s good performance, especially in front of other people, brings some sort of relief that we are doing a good job and they are going to be ok, but over time we grow frustrated with the results.
Of course we mean well, but this type of constant control removes the opportunity for growth in our children. Our kids don’t learn to do things well, they learn to respond to their parents’ “joysticking.” They don’t need to remember, or learn from yesterday’s mistakes, because mom or dad is going to jump in and prohibit that from happening. They don’t grow more independent from the consequences of life experiences; they grow more dependent on Dad and Mom’s instruction. What’s even worse, the parents grow frustrated that they must continue “joysticking” their kids into their teen and adult years.
The thing about “joysticking” is that it works, temporarily. The kid does pass the ball where they should, they do get back onsides… It also works in parenting. The kid does sit up straight, he does take out the trash, and so on.
One “tell” of a good coach is that they don’t “joystick.” They are willing to suffer through poor play on the field, making note of things to affirm in their players and areas to work on in practice. They then get to experience the joy of true athletic development in their players when the kids do things without being asked or told, and they implement in real time what you’ve affirmed in them or they’ve learned from your instruction in practice, or from their own mistakes. These types of coaches are not worried about winning games.
One “tell” of a good parent is that they don’t “joystick.” They are willing to joyfully suffer through the childishness and immaturity at every stage of development, making note of things to affirm in their kids and areas to work on at the appropriate time. Those parents then get to experience the joy of true growth in their kids. They will marvel as they see their son and daughter mature, though these parents will still be baffled by some of their mistakes (forgetting their own time as a child and teen). Kids of non-joysticking parents may not look as polished by comparison, but their parents are not focused on “winning” or “comparing,” they are focused on loving their kids well.
If your days are filled with “joysticking” your kids on posture, eating habits, time management, good work ethic, friend choices, fill-in-the-blank, could it be that your aim in parenting is off? If your days are filled with “yelling across” the field (or living room) every time you see your kid missing the obvious play right in front of her, are you really developing her maturity? Instead of focusing on winning, or on not losing, the parent game, recognize that God has called you to the task of faithful development.
So what can you do?
Repent
“Joysticking” in coaching is annoying, but “joysticking” in parenting is probably sin. If fear is our primary motivator for “joysticking” our kids, that demonstrates a lack of faith, and anything not done by faith is sin (Rom. 14:23). At the root of “joysticking” is unbelief in a sovereign, loving and providential God. “Joysticking” comes from a heart that has somehow deceived itself into thinking that assuming the role of God in our child’s life is not sinful. Confess it to the Lord and turn from it. “God, I am so afraid. I am not trusting you with my child’s development. I am trusting in myself. I don’t turn to you for wisdom, I am leaning on my own wisdom. Forgive me, Father. Search my heart and lead me in the way in which I should go.” Consider apologizing to your kid or teen and see the fruit.
Recognize
There is a time for instruction, and a time for watching how your kids implement the instruction you’ve given them. Not only are our kids going to fail, but they also need to fail. They need to develop the ability to trust God on their own, learn from their mistakes, and confess their own sin. God will give you wisdom on when to instruct and when to watch. Instead of focusing on your child’s mistakes, or potential mistakes, focus on affirming what they do well. Follow the 80:20 Rule: spend 80% celebrating what they do well, and 20% instruction on areas you want to help them grow and develop.
Rest
We are gospel people. Rest in the Gospel. Neither you, nor your children, can bear the weight of you finding your joy in their performance. Our joy is found in the perfect performance of Jesus Christ on our behalf. We live from that joy we have in him. Nothing else can compare to Jesus.
This week you are going to grow so much as a parent. You have the Holy Spirit inside of you, and amazing undeveloped kids in your house, and you get to parent without unnecessary performance pressure on your kid- or you. God’s got this! He holds you and your child in his hands. Being a parent is the greatest coaching job in the world, although you still will need aspirin at times. Get after it!
For more gospel-centered parenting resources, check out the Rooted Parent Podcast.
