Going to students’ games has always been one of my favorite parts of being a youth minister. I get to see them in their element and how Christ shows up for them on the field. It also gives me the opportunity to get to know their parents and hear about the challenges of parenting teenagers. One day at a baseball game, I was speaking to the dad of one of my students. We began talking about day-to-day things, and I asked him about what his son was up to. He simply replied, “I don’t know,” and said that he and his son didn’t talk about things like that.
I was very taken aback by this! Why didn’t this father know about what this son was doing in his day-to-day life? He was obviously supportive of his son because he was at a 3:30 p.m. baseball game. He would have had to get off work early for this. However, somewhere and somehow, there was a gap in the relationship. Along the way, this father and son had grown apart, and neither one of them might have admitted it.
Are You Afraid of Your Teenager?
As a 28-year-old man, I have to admit that I am still intimidated by teenagers. They know so much that I don’t, or they are so much more athletic than I ever was. In my early years of youth ministry, I had to get over this intimidation and get over it quickly! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have meaningful conversations with youth because of my own fear of rejection or of not being who they needed me to be.
Even with our own children, this intimidation can sneak its way into the parent/child relationships. As a parent, maybe you don’t know the new trends. Maybe your child is participating in something you know nothing about. Or maybe you do not feel worthy to talk to this growing teenager.
Finding Your Worth in Christ
Worth is one of a teenager’s biggest struggles as they navigate middle and high school. Where does my worth come from? My friends? Sports? How do I find worth? Parents, where do we find our worth? In our job? The amount of money we have? How successful our children are? As a youth minister, I am constantly reminding our students that their worth comes from Jesus and Jesus alone. It’s a message that we need as parents too. What does that mean? It means that we have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who died to save us, and if we believe and trust in him, then we can live a life that is free in him.
We have to remind ourselves as parents that we are never going to be perfect parents. If our worth comes from how we parent or how we can connect with our teenager, then we will always be let down. But, if our worth comes from Christ, we can take comfort in knowing that we have a Savior who is perfect so we don’t have to be. Paul writes, “For it is by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God” (Eph. 2:8). So what does this mean for us parents? It means that no matter what stage of life our teenagers are in, we are worthy to build meaningful relationships with them because our worth is not determined by how much or little we know, but by who Jesus says we are.
Getting to Know Your Teenager Again
So what are some practical ways we can get to know our teens better as parents? First, it is important that we learn to be vulnerable and emotional with our teenagers. It is okay for your teenager to know how you are feeling on any day or how you are dealing with something that might be difficult in your life. Being vulnerable lets them know that it is okay for them to be vulnerable with you.
Another way is to practice being good listeners. When I was growing up, I went to summer camp a lot. When I got back from camp, my parents would always ask how my time was. I would usually just say “good” or “fun”, but I learned early on that this was not an acceptable answer for my parents. They wanted to know every detail about my week, and they made it a priority to sit and listen to me without any distractions.
When I got older and came back from camp, I got to a point where I wanted to share every detail with my parents because I knew they truly wanted to listen to me. This is just one example from my life, but the important thing to take away from this is to set up an environment where you are listening to your teenager and where you are asking good questions so our teens feel comfortable sharing.
Make Their Spiritual Lives Your Responsibility
Lastly, as parents, it is important for us to know that we are spiritually responsible for our teenagers. As they get older, parents can get into thinking that everything that they are going to learn spiritually will come from their youth minister or some other mentor. But our children are only with a youth minister or mentor for maybe an hour or two a week. This leaves the rest of the week up to us parents!
This goes back to how we become vulnerable with our teenagers. Make sure that they know how you are doing spiritually and what Jesus means to you. Other habits to start could be praying with your teenager regularly, going through a book of the Bible or devotional with them, or making sure that they see you living out your spiritual walk.
An Unexpected Question
My wife and I were walking around the Summit in Birmingham, AL and were stopped by two parents. The mom said that she was concerned about her teenage daughter. The daughter had great friends, but she really enjoyed hanging out with her parents most weekends. Her daughter enjoyed hanging out with her friends, but was she hanging out with them enough?
My wife and I laughed a little because this was an amazing picture of a relationship! The student was very comforted by the presence of her parents, enough to want to spend time with them. She wanted to be involved in their lives as much as they were involved in hers.
This revealed that these parents knew their worth was found in Jesus. They did not have to try and change who they were to fit in with their daughter. Instead, they knew they were enough to be a part of their child’s life and to ultimately lead her closer to God through a loving relationship.
Parents, building back a relationship and getting to know your teenager again will take some time. Stay involved in their lives and open up to them. Your relationship with them will be one of the most fruitful relationships in their lives. Know that you are worthy in Christ. Because of that, we can have intentional relationships with our children.
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