The toddler lay face down on the floor of the plane. The full flight was uncomfortable, but watching this flustered young mom try to console her toddler made the experience almost unbearable. I was newly pregnant with our first child, so rather than empathize with this dear mother, I sat silently critiquing all of her “wrong” decisions:
Junk food won’t solve anything. He probably just needs more fruit. And putting his face on the floor of a plane? Disgusting! Also, when you say, “no,” your child should comply. For heaven’s sake.
It wasn’t but two years later that my own toddler lay hunched over at my feet shortly after takeoff. She screamed uncontrollably because there were no more green M&M’s left. M&M’s she ate, incidentally, off the floor of the plane. For heaven’s sake.
I entered parenthood intending to do it “right:” take them to church regularly, keep the sugar to a minimum (except on planes), do daily devotions, and provide stability with an array of opportunities. I checked off all the boxes.
So, when a child showed signs of spiritual doubting, I became unduly anxious. When a child rebelled against my rules, I felt utterly lost and confused. And when a child chose a different path than what I deemed good, I became resentful.
In these seasons, I became frustrated with God because, after all, “I did everything right!” However, believing that our efforts can control our child’s outcome is a dangerous place for a parent. Thinking this way causes our trust in Jesus to weaken, shifting our focus so that we are no longer parenting for the good of our child but for the good of our own ideals.
We must remember that we parent for the good of our child to the glory of God, trusting in his ways, and not our own. Because of the hope of the gospel, we do not need to rely on our own “right” efforts as parents; rather, we can trust in Jesus with our whole heart and faithfully follow the only one who gets it right every time.
The Spiritual Pitfalls in Trying to Do Parenting “Right”
There is no place in the Bible that gives us a formula to follow to ensure a certain outcome for our kids. Jesus does not say, follow these three steps and there will be no suffering for your child. Nor does the Bible promise that if we follow Jesus, doing so will ensure a certain spiritual result. Here are just three spiritual pitfalls in believing that you can parent by the book.
We can fall into the trap of legalism.
If we believe that the decisions we make for our child will keep them from suffering, then when hardship comes (not if, according to John 16:33), we will be tempted to wonder why God is “doing” this hard thing to us or to our child.
When a child is diagnosed with a disease, we become angry with God because why would he allow suffering in a family who has done all the right things? When a child walks away from the Lord, we are tempted to do the same because God has not responded in the way we believe we deserve. Legalism unduly elevates the law over our trust in Jesus, and when it seeps into our parenting, it corrupts our families spiritually.
We lack trust in God when things go wrong.
When we settle into formulaic parenting, it hinders our ability trust fully in the mysteries of God’s ways. Ecclesiastes 11:5 says, “As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.”
The person we hope our child becomes, and the path we desire for them to take does not always align with God’s plan for our child. But that doesn’t mean that God isn’t doing wonderful work in your child’s life! I remember walking with our son as he struggled to find his niche in high school. He wanted to get a job early on, but I pushed against it because my plan for him was to excel in sports or music. A side job would hinder his ability to flourish in these areas.
We finally relented, and our son started work at a nearby restaurant. He quickly moved into a manager position and has been sought out over the last couple of years because of his excellent work with people. He has flourished working in a fast-food industry in ways that I could have never predicted. It wasn’t my plan, but goodness, God’s plan is so much better. Trusting in his sovereignty provides immense comfort amid all the twists and turns in parenting.
We are filled with pride when things go right.
When a child leaves the nest walking with the Lord and successfully seeking his will, it is too easy to pat ourselves on the back believing that our “right” parenting succeeded. Taking all the glory for ourselves feels like a slap in the face to another parent whose child is struggling.
And not giving God the glory robs the Almighty of his majesty. Everything visible and invisible, all things above and below, finds its purpose in God. He holds all things together; he was supreme in the beginning and is supreme to the end (Col. 1:16-20). To God be the glory when our children are doing well and following him.
Trusting In the One Who Gets Parenting Right for Us
The Bible does provide us with guidelines when it comes to parenting. We are called to faithful obedience (Jn. 14:15), to teach our children about Jesus (Deut. 6:7-9), and to trust fully and completely in his ways (Prov. 3:5-6).
But we do all of this not by our own efforts and not in one “right” way. Jesus has given us his Spirit to guide us and to make us wise. And he will keep showing us his never-ending grace and mercy when we inevitably stumble and fall in our parenting. Those grace-filled and loving arms will pick us up every time and turn us back toward him.
We move forward as parents in Christ. The God we serve has given us everything that he has. Do you hear that, mom and dad? Because of Christ’s death and resurrection, all that belongs to Jesus now belongs to you. A man-made formula, even one crafted using Bible verses, is not required to do what God has called you to do in parenting. God gives us everything we need for whatever we will face with our children, and his Word guides us through it all.
Whether in joy or in sorrow, the point is never to reflect on everything we did right, but to trust in the one who does it all right for us.
Interested in learning more about gospel-centered parenting? Check out our current Rooted Parent Podcast season: Parenting, Technology, and the Truth.
