I was grateful for my kids’ honesty. They told me how one particular youth group night was memorable, and not in a positive way.
“Mom, I was so glad the friend I invited couldn’t come that night because some kids were totally trash-talking nonbelievers.”
The story went like this. A speaker had come in to do a talk, and asked the group of high schoolers a question. “How does Scripture describe the nonbeliever?”
This prompted some students to gleefully (according to my kids) descend into “scripturally endorsed” name calling. Though youth leaders quickly put a stop to the word-mob, the damage was done. I chatted with my kids afterwards. They were certain that for kids who may have felt timid or unsure about Christianity, the night felt downright hostile for them.
Belonging is Rooted in Jesus’ Welcome
I write today as a parent whose teenagers have felt like they didn’t belong at youth group or at church. In my example, teenagers who weren’t sure about their faith felt outside because they heard other teenagers talking about “unbelievers” in an ungracious way. But there’s a host of other reasons why teenagers might not feel like they belong. Whatever the case may be, when teenagers are reluctant to participate in youth group or church, parents can feel quite stuck.
Why do we want our teens to feel a sense of belonging to their youth group or to church? It’s not only because we want to see our kids thrive socially. We care because we’ve come to view belonging as essential to their spiritual health. Research shows that teenagers with the most meaningful connections in church are far more likely to be faithful throughout their adulthood.
A sense of belonging to the youth group or church is a good thing we should encourage. But it’s merely the outworking of something deeper: a rooted, persistent, under-the-skin assurance that Jesus always welcomes us. And that’s why we’ll always belong (and never not belong!). It’s this welcome that is the essence of what we want our kids to feel, see, and begin to understand through youth group. Those who experience the gospel of Jesus’ unconditional welcome, through the warmth and the at-homeness of church, will grow to see belonging beyond being a feeling. By God’s grace, they will see belonging to Jesus’ church more truly as who they are.
This is a deep truth that needs a lot of time and the Spirit’s work to deposit deep into our teenagers’ hearts. As we pray for the Spirit to move in our kids, here are some ways we can encourage our teens to find and see Jesus’ welcome in youth group and at church.
Be Authentic with Your Teens about Flaws in the Community
Our teenagers who feel “outside” may define “belonging” the way their peers define it. They may assume that belonging to a group means their interactions with others are easy. They may assume it means they’re popular. Or they may assume that they can see students who are similar to themselves when looking around the room. As parents, we can affirm with them that these are all somewhat true of belonging. When we are where we belong, we are known, we know others, and we see our commonality—this does indeed make relating to one another more natural.
But adults know that participating in the life of the church is not always so shiny! We can disagree and hurt others and experience hurt ourselves, even while we seek to love one another with Jesus’ love. Sin is a part of our fallen world. We want to be real with our teens. We want to acknowledge that church and church-people do fall short of the ideal we see in Scripture.
It’s helpful to remind our teens that, similar to the way we are works-in-progress, the church is also a work-in-progress. Jesus never asked us to be perfect before he loved us. Through our participation, we can love a church community that’s flawed. With time, we’ll find that the more we stick with it, the more we sense its beauty beyond its flaws.
Help Your Teens See Jesus’ Welcome in Your Church
In my experience, insisting to teenagers feeling on the outside that they do belong tends to fall flat. It goes against their feelings of isolation. Correcting our teens’ view of belonging is a long-haul, Spirit-empowered process. It takes more than one conversation and doesn’t usually happen overnight. For now, we can point our teenagers to a better apologetic for their participation. We can help them notice how the youth group and church extend a welcome to them.
Talk to them about how this church welcomed you and how that is a tiny fraction of Jesus’ welcome. Point out how church members have welcomed them and noticed them. Paint a picture of why you love to participate in your church. Explain that you participate in church regardless of imperfect ministries, differences with fellow church members, and disappointment. Share with them a time when you felt outside in a church community and how God’s grace met you there.
And if others exclude or hurt your teen, adding to their sense of unbelonging, listen to their heart. Acknowledge that the youth group or church fell short of showing Jesus-welcome to them in that situation, even if it was unintentional. We can talk about how Jesus is familiar with the pain of feeling outside and unwelcome. Let your teens know you’re in their corner and that you will invite dialogue about it with church leaders.
Dialogue with Others about Where Your Child is At
Parents, sometimes it’s tempting to store away our parenting struggles. We think “bad parents” wouldn’t be in this situation, or “good parents” would know what to do. This is clearly the voice of condemnation, which has no place in us who can no longer be condemned (Rom. 8:1).
Hear me: Loop in your leaders, because they care about your child and they care about you. When our kids feel outside of the group, it’s almost always a tangle of perceptions and emotions, group culture, and a dash of everyone’s sinful tendencies and limitations. Dialoguing with church members and leaders you trust is helpful to identify blind spots (theirs and yours) and brainstorm together ways you and your church can care for your child.
Out of your discussions, maybe leaders will realize they need to put a stop to a certain type of game that alienates the same kids repeatedly. Maybe they will tweak certain events to be more welcoming for kids who have divorced parents or a single parent. Maybe together, you can think of a godly young adult who has a shared interest with your child and connect them to encourage a special friendship. These relationships can be formative for a teenager’s perspective on belonging and community.
Don’t Give Up And See What the Lord Will Do in Time
Parents, let’s put our hope for our kids’ spiritual longevity not in their “finding their community” but in Jesus. He promises to complete the work he began in them. This includes putting our hope in the Spirit to right their (and our) perspectives on what it is to belong to Jesus’ church (1 Cor 2:12-13). Even now, he works to help our teenagers see that Jesus perpetually extends his welcome to us—first through his cross, and then through daily invitation to live a life of participating in belonging to him and to one another.
As we pray and ask him to fulfill our children’s needs, let’s do what we can to help our teens see Jesus’ welcome in church. Parents, don’t give up on encouraging your teens to participate in youth group and the broader church. Set an example of joyful and authentic participation yourself. The Lord wants your child rooted in the identity of belonging to him even more than you do. Wait and see how he will accomplish his purposes as you participate in his good work through your parenting and your prayers.
Our Rooted Parent Podcast gives you regular, gospel encouragement and practical help as you navigate the challenges of parenting and seek to disciple your children in the faith.
