Shel Silverstein wrote a little poem about friendship that goes like this:
“I’ve discovered a way to stay friends forever–There’s really nothing to it. I simply tell you what to do and you do it!”
I thought of this poem when a fellow mom recently described one of her teen’s friends: “She expects my daughter to do what she wants when she wants it. I don’t like my kid’s friend!”
I uttered this same sentiment to my husband often during our teen-raising years. Whether it’s a friend we deem bossy, manipulative, or just plain mean, there are many reasons parents might not like their kid’s friend.
Especially since the COVID-19 pandemic, teens long for friendship, and this is a positive thing. Data is clear from both Christian and secular perspectives that interacting with friends is critical for teens who live in a screen-centric world. So, what do we parents do, then, when we want to encourage friendships, but our teen hangs around someone we don’t like?
Take heart, parents. Amid the complexities of friendships, remember that the ultimate friendship we can offer our teens is rooted in Christ’s love. Jesus, our perfect friend, gave his life for us (Jn. 15:13). It’s his sacrificial love that is the foundation for all relationships, and when we embrace this gospel truth, we can better instill in our teens the importance of seeking friendships that reflect Christ’s love.
No friendship is perfect, but through Christ and his Word, we find the wisdom to help our teens navigate the messiness of relationships.
Three Biblical Principles on Friendship Our Teens Need to Know
Thankfully, Scripture isn’t ambiguous when it comes to friendship. The book of Proverbs in particular is teeming with advice about friendship. Here are three key principles that summarize many of its passages:
Biblical Principle One: Your friends will shape you
Proverbs 1:8-19 urges a son to pay close attention to his parents’ wise words regarding the company he chooses to be around. If bad company tempts you, flee.
Story after story throughout history proves that the people you surround yourself with undoubtedly shape the person you become. Even the secular world affirms this Biblical principle. Successful entrepreneur and author Jim Rohn once said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Remind your teen that the people they spend the most time with will influence them, so it’s important to choose friends wisely.
Biblical Principle Two: Sweet friendship refreshes the soul, but the fool brings harm.
Proverbs 27:9 states that a virtuous friendship makes a heart glad, like smelling something so pleasant that it puts an immediate smile on your face. According to Proverbs, these kinds of friends offer wisdom, give godly counsel, and listen well. Encourage your teens to seek such friendships!
Conversely, Proverbs mentions the company of “the fool” over 70 times. If your teen’s friends are primarily those whom the Bible deems foolish, harm will follow. According to the Proverbs, these friends are short-tempered, hate to listen, and seek to pick fights (Proverbs. 12:6; 18:12; 20:3)
Biblical Principle Three: Our closest friends should be followers of Christ
We can’t be a light in a dark world unless we have friends who don’t know Christ. Jesus himself was a friend of unbelievers (Luke 7:34). It’s easy to either instill fear in our teens by talking about unbelievers as people they should avoid, or to instill pride by talking about unbelievers as ones who are less worthy than we are of God’s grace and mercy. Encourage your teens to have some friends who don’t know Jesus so they can spread the gospel’s light.
With that said, it’s essential that our teens understand that our closest friends should anchor us in Scripture and push us to live for Jesus. It’s tough to live according to the principles in the Bible if our closest friends do not live by what it says.
Five Practical Principles for Parents When You Don’t Like Your Teen’s Friends
Along with the Scriptural principles, I’ve gleaned practical principles from other parents over the years. These may be helpful when you find yourself uttering the all-too-common words: “I don’t like my kid’s friend!
- Be clear about what you dislike. Is your dislike based on something that is clearly not good for your teen, or is it for a more personal reason? In other words, according to Scripture, is the friend exemplifying foolish behavior, or is it that you just don’t like their personality? This is difficult to discern, but the Holy Spirit will bring clarity when you prayerfully ask for wisdom regarding whether what you dislike is justified.
- Avoid criticizing your teen’s friend. Often, criticizing your teenager’s friend will make your teen feel like you’re criticizing them. When this happens, you’ll be met with defensiveness, and your teen will likely resist whatever advice may follow.
- Ask questions. Listen well – without interruption – and then follow with questions. These questions can help your teen discern if this friendship is one that truly refreshes the soul or not. If your teen describes the kind of friend in Shel Silverstein’s poem, ask them about it: how does she make you feel when she talks to you that way? Other questions such as: Tell me what you like about him, or do you ever feel pressured to dress like her? Can help your teen verbally process some potential issues without feeling immediately criticized by your strong opinion.
- Keep your teen’s friends close. This may seem counterintuitive, but if your teen enjoys a friend you don’t like, have them over a few times. Usually, one of two things will occur. Either you will notice some positive traits that provide a fuller picture of the friendship, or you may observe some negative behavior. It is much easier to talk with our teens about what we have seen than to convince them of necessary boundaries based on information we’ve merely heard.
- Pray for your teens and their friends. Our natural reaction as parents is to set clear and strict boundaries between our teens and the friends they like. In more extreme cases, this may be necessary. But it’s often very hard to control our teens’ interactions with their friends. Whether at school, youth group, or just hanging out with people on a Friday night, they will likely interact with people we don’t like.
What’s most helpful is to keep the dialogue open and pray. Pray that your teen will lend an ear to what the Bible says about friendships, and pray often for your teen’s friends. Ask the Lord to surround your child now and in the future with friends who will sharpen their faith and point them to Jesus.
Seek Jesus when you struggle with your teen’s friend and remember that nothing can separate your teen from the love of God (Rom. 8:38-39). Jesus is at work in any and every situation, including our teens’ friendships.
For more gospel-centered parenting resources, check out Rooted’s Family Discipleship Curriculum.
