Burt Dickinson is a recovering addict, who has been clean and sober from the use of drugs, alcohol, and pornography since November 28, 2017. Burt bases his expertise on his 13 year-long battle with addiction and through his assistance of dozens of fellow recovering addicts. Burt is a certified peer support specialist. He has sponsored and mentored men in an individual capacity, while also serving in support and development roles for several organizations in Kansas City and Dallas, including Artists Helping the Homeless, BeFree KC, Hope is Alive, Men of Nehemiah, and Adult Rehabilitation Ministry (ARM). Burt has made a passion of studying addiction and the liberating hope found in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
The idea of your child struggling with addiction, or even experimenting with drugs or alcohol (let’s include pornography and eating disorders), is a frightening prospect. The revulsion with which we view addiction, and the associated stigma, can entice families to tackle this issue without seeking crucial support. Don’t.
The tangled web of addiction and its underlying shame (“I am not enough”) and fear (of exposure and abandonment) can unearth additional secrets, which need to be met with the understanding of a team, including loving parents, a pastor, a licensed counselor, and/or an addiction specialist. Ultimately, the most proven course for long-term success is walking openly and honestly among other recovering addicts in a supportive network. What hides in the shadows will continue to grip the addict and hold her in contempt or despair. However, when the light of God reaches those tender, secret spaces, unbelievable healing and transformation can take place. What was once a source of great fear and shame can be healed and the addict restored, with immense gratitude and joy for deliverance from agonizing pain.
Besides biological and chemical vulnerabilities, experts tell us addiction can progress due to feelings of purposelessness or a lack of intimate, relational connections. According to Narcotics Anonymous, at the center of the disease of addiction is self-obsession. This preoccupation with self is rooted in fear and shame but can often display as anger and resentment. A proper road to recovery must start with honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. Personally, I believe that long term healing is met by surrendering to the love of Jesus Christ (honesty), embracing one’s identity as a deeply loved child of God (open-mindedness), and then following that call with a daily walk in the hope of the gospel, supportive community, and the 12 steps (willingness).
I don’t mean to oversimply an incredibly complicated affliction, but if an addict relapses or is faltering in his recovery, I will usually trace it back to a questioning of one’s identity in Christ or a lack of commitment to working an active program of recovery. Sadly, we are never “out of the woods” as addicts, and the world’s message “you got this” should remain safely outside the addict’s mindset. A vulnerable dependence on God and the gift of asking for help is a recipe for progress.
When looking for signs of addiction, please note that some of the following indicators could be pointing to anxiety, depression, or other mental illnesses. However, a concerned parent should first attempt to rule out addiction, as it can cause or adrenalize other mental/emotional disorders. Parents should also attempt to understand and receive counsel on the possibility of trauma in the life of their child. Trauma greatly increases the potential for addiction, and addiction invariably leads to trauma. Additionally, parents must attempt to balance the warning signs of addiction with general mood changes and life struggles common to young adults. Here is a short, general list based on my own experience and as a sponsor of recovering addicts. For more detail, please see the Betty Ford Foundation “Early Warning Signs of Teen Substance Use.”
Warning Signs of Addiction
• Sudden changes in behavior or personality
• Isolation/Withdrawal
• Secretive/Hiding
• Frequent lying
• Breaking rules/stealing
• Spending less time with old friends and more time with less vetted individuals
• Chronic lateness or skipping commitments
• New or worsening depression
• Exaggerated mood swings
• Sudden weight loss
• Loss of interest in typical or previously enjoyable activities
• Hyper-focused or an inability to concentrate
• Excited/rapid speech or slow/slurred speech
• Consistent health issues/sickness or imagined health issues
• Sleep changes: up throughout the night or an inability to get out of bed
• An ever-increasing and dramatic focus on self and a diminishing sense of healthy attachment
Be aware that some symptoms may depend on the type of substance. For instance, stimulants, such as Adderall or cocaine, can cause dilated pupils, euphoria/excitability, fear, etc., while downers, such as opioids, can cause constricted pupils, tiredness, slurred speech, loss of coordination, etc. Additionally, one may experience paradoxical symptoms when experiencing a crash or rebound from drug use.
Create an Intervention Plan
While many of these warning signs can appear obvious, it can be difficult to diagnose addiction. Before lovingly confronting your child, consult a professional, a pastor, or a trusted friend to enact a gameplan. A child may be experimenting with drugs, which certainly needs parental intervention, but his use may not constitute addiction. Another complicating factor is understanding the severity and full picture of drug use amid obfuscation by your child. Addicts are sadly, almost without exception, expert liars (when lying, an addict may avoid eye contact or paradoxically stare at you intensely). Please understand that while lying is manipulative, it has become a survival mechanism to maintain the addiction and cope with the shame of having lost self-control. The addict, apart from help and intervention, has become powerless over his addiction. May the grace we have ourselves received in Jesus Christ remind us that we know what it feels like to be powerless over sin and need God’s loving rescue.
If addiction is uncovered or even suspected, you are potentially entering your own trauma and will need help in finding the proper resources. Who do you trust to take quick and decisive action? Besides a family member or friend, church and school counselors can be great sources of information. While every major city has quality local treatment options, you can always use SAMHSA as a starting point (Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration). Depending on the severity of his addiction and how long he has been using, your child may need to enter a local detox facility, which will safely taper him off narcotics and other substances. From there, your family may want to explore residential treatment options, which typically range from 30-90 days. At the least, outpatient treatment options can give your child some tools for recovery with less disruption to their normal activities and responsibilities. Often, removing your child from her normal day-to-day stressors allows a more focused and comprehensive approach to treatment.
Address the Heart
Once addiction, or merely substance use, is exposed, let your child know he is not alone. Assure him that there is a way out and you are with him. While much work is ahead, God couldn’t possibly love him more than he does right now. Let him know that you, also, couldn’t love him more than you do right now. When sin is exposed, God is most often gentle and lowly. The Holy Spirit may convict us, but he is not harsh or accusatory in speaking to his children. If she has fallen into addiction, your child has suffered immensely, largely at her own expense. While she may be in denial of much of her affliction, she is probably acting as her biggest critic. Even if you fear being manipulated by your child in her vulnerable condition, she needs love. Your love can still maintain strong boundaries and allow consequences (as it must) for your child’s behavior.
Being exposed in our deepest need, afflicted as we may be, is a good thing and an incredible opportunity for hope. Your child is being invited into God’s story. Jesus’ death on the cross is sufficient to cover our poorest performances and our worst sins. In fact, it’s when we are at our weakest that his grace much more abounds, and the greatest stories are told. Christ’s renewal is already taking place within your child, and we can have confidence that “He who began a good work in [your child] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6). If you and your child are in Christ, there is no longer any condemnation for him and there is no longer any condemnation for you. When your child becomes aware of and acknowledges her weakness, she can begin to rest in the strength of Jesus, who has the power to break the chains of addiction.
Road of Recovery
In the beauty and tragedy of your family accepting addiction, bear in mind that forgiveness, for both you and your child, will be important down the road. As your child works out his recovery, more will be revealed, and that picture can bring new pain or trigger old wounds. New revelations can send both parent and child into old habits, including negative coping mechanisms and retreating to relational corners while accusing, defending, blaming, and rationalizing. Sometimes these relational strains are unavoidable and part of the recovery learning curve. After all, the whole family is in recovery. These tensions are reminders to remember our identity in Christ, to be empathetic with and curious about one another’s pain, and to practice the principles of recovery, starting with honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. This exercise in vulnerability is difficult work, yet it primes us for the embrace of our Holy Father. In recovery, the whole family advances God’s story.
This blog is made available to you by the Rooted Ministry for educational purposes only, not to provide specific therapeutic advice. The views expressed are the personal perspectives of the author and do not represent the views of counselors or the counseling profession. This article does not create a relationship and should not be used as a substitute for competent therapeutic counsel from a licensed professional in your state.
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