He shrugs.
You ask again.
He shrugs harder.
You back off—but inside, you’re unraveling. Why doesn’t he care? You wonder. Is something wrong? With him? With me?
You’ve tried pep talks. You’ve tried consequences. You’ve even tried bribery. But your son still won’t budge. He seems to lack drive, purpose, and energy for anything beyond screens, snacks, and sarcasm.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And more important, you’re not without hope. Below are some key things to consider and pray for when parenting a boy who seems to lack motivation.
Apathy Isn’t Always What It Seems
Before we rush to fix what we see on the surface, it helps to pause and ask what might be happening underneath. When our sons seem unmotivated, it’s easy to label it as laziness or defiance—and sometimes, yes, that’s true. But more often, something deeper is going on. Unmotivated boys aren’t always indifferent; they’re often uncertain.
That uncertainty is especially common in adolescence. These years are full of rapid change physically, emotionally, and socially. Boys feel pressure to grow up, step up, and figure things out, but few people help them understand what that actually means. They’re told to become someone, but no one tells them who. So when they’re unsure of where they fit, or whether they have what it takes, pulling back feels safer than pressing forward.
In that light, apathy becomes a kind of armor. It protects them from questions they may not know how to ask: Do I matter? Am I enough? Can I actually do this?
Identity Fuels Motivation
Motivation begins with identity: knowing who they are and why they matter. And that’s exactly what the gospel gives us. The world says, “Prove yourself, then you’ll be loved.” But God says, “I’ve loved you first” (Romans 5:8).
Your son’s value doesn’t begin with how hard he tries or how much he achieves. It begins with Jesus, who loves him, died for him, and welcomes him into the family of God. When your son trusts in Christ, he is fully known, fully forgiven, deeply loved, and called a child of God.
That’s not a title he has to earn. It’s a gift he’s invited to receive. And when that truth sinks in, when he starts to believe he’s secure and significant in God’s eyes, it begins to change how he sees everything else.
The gospel tells us that our sons, like us, were created on purpose, for a purpose (Ephesians 2:10). God has good work in mind for them—work that flows not from pressure, but from belonging. They don’t have to hustle to prove their worth. They already have it. And when they begin to believe that, motivation finally has a place to take root and grow.
What Can Parents Do?
Understanding where motivation begins is vital, but so is knowing how to nurture it. While you can’t change your son’s heart, you can help shape the kind of environment where identity in Christ takes root and motivation grows. Here are a few ways to begin:
- Connect before you correct: When a boy feels seen and safe, he’s more likely to open up. Ask questions that show curiosity, not control. Listen without rushing to fix. Stay present even when it’s awkward.
- Celebrate effort, not just outcomes: Root his value in who he is, not just what he achieves. Say things like, “You kept going even when it was hard,” or “I saw you show up. That matters.”
- Let him wrestle with calling: Don’t pressure him to figure out the future overnight. Ask, “What do you think God made you good at?” then give him space to explore and fail without fear.
- Model joy in your own identity and calling: If your life with Jesus feels dry or pressured, he’ll assume faith is a burden. But if he sees peace, purpose, and joy in your walk, he’ll want to know more.
- Pray with him, and for him: Let him hear your voice thanking God for who he is—not just what he does. Pray not only that he’d change, but that he’d know how deeply loved he already is.
Jesus Is Not Intimidated by Apathy
Every parent longs to see their son come alive to grow in maturity, walk with Jesus, and step into the purpose God has for him. But lasting change doesn’t come through pressure or perfect parenting. It comes through Christ.
Jesus isn’t frustrated by your son’s pace. He’s not measuring your worth by his progress. He sees the whole story—even the parts you can’t—and his grace is already at work.
So what’s your role? Be faithful: keep showing up, keep speaking life, and keep pointing him to what’s true. Trust that God is patient and powerful enough to do what you can’t. And rest in this: even when your son feels stuck, God isn’t. He’s still moving, still shaping, still pursuing, and he loves your child even more than you do.
For more gospel-centered wisdom, consider using Rooted’s Family Discipleship Curriculum with your church or small group.
