As I looked up and locked eyes with my wife, there was nothing we could do but shake our heads. Of all the thoughts swirling around my mind, “I can’t believe you did this again” was the one playing the loudest on repeat. Theoretically speaking, we know none of our children are perfect, but that is difficult to accept in the moment of pushback. We found ourselves addressing escalating behavior for what seemed like the millionth time.
This was new territory for us. Up until these recent events, our kids had made parenting easy. However, at this precise moment, it was anything but easy. I was angry. My wife was angry. But we were trying our best to temper that anger by leaning on God’s Word, so that our own anger did not cause us to sin and cause even more damage to the situation.
Questions We Ask
When our kids sin, there are a number of questions that are worth exploring when trying to parent well. The two at the top of my current list include, “How do you parent a child with grace and love while still being angry with them?” and, “How do you make discipline restorative without being too lenient?” This is where the beauty of knowing God’s character comes into play. When we see how our heavenly Father treats his people, when we reflect on how he relates to us personally, we find a clear picture that can help instruct us to balance grace and discipline.
Sin and Grace
God takes sin seriously. Parents should follow his lead by not taking sin lightly. Unfortunately, many people have a reductionistic view of God’s character, causing them to create scenarios that leave little room for the complexities of God’s perfect and holy character. One of the very first things we have to understand better about the character of God is that his grace and his discipline are not at odds with one another. In fact, it is not uncommon for discipline to be the most gracious thing that can happen to us!
As parents, we have made it a point to illustrate for our children how it is indeed God’s grace that exposes their sin. If not for that grace, they might be digging an even deeper hole. But grace does not mean the absence of consequences. Grace means the consequences aren’t as bad as they could be. The very presence of discipline implies that love is close by. It’s one of the reasons that Hebrews tells us “He disciplines everyone he loves” (Heb. 12:6, CSB).
A Cycle On Repeat
It’s true parenting can feel like a monotonous cycle. First come the warnings, then the disobedience, then the consequences, then the change in behavior and cries for mercy, then finally the restoration of the relationship. Sound familiar? When I look at God’s relationship with Israel in the Old Testament, I see the parenting journey. For generations Israel struggled to obey God and worship him alone. God warned them through the prophets. And then he disciplined them in love.
What I learn most from God as a parent is how patient he is with his people. He is ready to forgive when they turn from their sin. He doesn’t let the fact that they were just under discipline keep him from extending grace. And he doesn’t allow that grace to keep him from disciplining them again when needed in the future. This was a cycle that had been repeated over generations. Even when he eventually removes them from the land, he does so with the hope of restoration in the future.
This is what our parenting can look like. We will endure rebellion and administer consequences. But just as God is still intimately engaged with his people, so must we be with our children. Just as God is standing at the ready to embrace and forgive, so must we be ready to do the same. Not just once, but ongoing.
Additionally, if we’re not careful, we will fail to observe that we are in the same cycle with God as he parents us. Parenting is like a mirror. There are times I’m tempted to be heavy-handed with my children because they keep making the same mistakes. And then I remember how often I’ve had to pray and repent for the same sin I’ve been struggling to overcome for years. Remembering our own struggles of both the past and the present can help us to empathize with what our children may be struggling with. Understanding the difficulty the experience trying to navigate new emotions and situations can help us to foster a more balanced approach.
Modeling Grace
More than anything, it is important for parents to model consistency. It shouldn’t be a surprise that you follow through with discipline in response to sin. It shouldn’t be a surprise that grace is always waiting at the door when your children show up. We also get this from God’s character. Malachi 3:6 says, “I, the Lord, do not change” (NIV). Hebrews 13:8 tells us that Jesus is “the same yesterday, today, and forever” (CSB). Our kids should know what to expect from us just as much as we should know what to expect from them.
Ideas And Reminders
How can we ensure our correction is filled with godly discipline and unending grace? Here are a few ideas:
- Keep the lines of communication open.
- Let your children know where they stand with you.
- Ensure love is present even in discipline.
- Take sin seriously.
- Let them know your primary concern is the condition of their heart towards God; your personal offense comes secondary.
- Ensure discipline is restorative and purposeful.
- Be sure to know the intended goal so your kids can as well.
- Always be ready to forgive.
If you are a parent in a really hard season with a child, it’s okay. There is grace for you. Don’t feel like you have to always get it right! If I’ve learned anything as a parent, it’s that kids are very forgiving. The same is true for them that is true for us: perfection is not the goal. Those who have been forgiven much, forgive much.
If you found this article helpful, check out the Rooted Parent podcast, which is dedicated to bringing gospel-centered, biblically rich encouragement and practical help to parents.
