When I was in college, I had a knee injury that required two major surgeries. For weeks, my leg was wrapped in a brace that I wore throughout the day, and I did not bear weight on it thanks to the aid of crutches.
Once the brace and bandages were fully removed, the difference in my two legs was astounding. It did not take long for the muscles around the injured knee to atrophy. The leg that did the work for weeks on end was strong and sturdy; the injured leg was unsteady and took a long time to regain the strength it once had.
I think about those atrophied muscles when it comes to prioritizing our marriages during the busy years of parenting. Why is this important in the mayhem of the tween and teen years? Because the muscles that help support a healthy marriage tend to get underused when we stop investing in our spouse. Over time, the marriage slowly weakens until one day the kids are grown, the house is quiet, and the person sitting next to us feels unfamiliar.
For our marriages to continue flourishing in the years to come, we must prioritize them. We must work out those marriage muscles, especially in the child-rearing years.
The Culture’s Message About Marriage: It’s Easy Peasy or You Picked Wrong
Modern messages about marriage tell us that the healthiest relationships are the ones that feel easy. If marriage takes work, then we assume something is broken. This message is sneaky. It seeps in almost everywhere: movies and TV, social media, and self-help mantras that incessantly scream: “Do what makes you happy!”
The culture’s story says that marriage should fulfill us, not stretch us or grow us. So, when relationships become difficult, many couples assume something is wrong. It’s not because they failed at marriage, but because they were told that real marriages shouldn’t require intentional exercise.
The Bible’s Message About Marriage: It’s Holy and Worth the Work
Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” The “holding fast” is the language of clinging, gripping, and refusing to let go. Marriage isn’t fragile, but it can become fragile if we stop holding fast. And that, parents, takes work.
At its essence, marriage displays God’s glory as it was originally designed by God himself. He spoke marriage into existence when he created Adam and Eve at the beginning of the world! As pastor and author John Piper says, “A glimpse into the magnificence of marriage comes from seeing in God’s word that God himself is the great doer. Marriage is his doing. It is from him and through him.”
When a couple makes vows to one another, God himself is joining together two people as one flesh. As Christians, this is why we fight for reconciliation and push against the all-too-common willingness to give up on a relationship when it becomes inconvenient or too much work. Because the gospel tells us that God loved us when we didn’t deserve it, we display that same redeeming love in the way we pursue and forgive one another in marriage. The patience and grace we offer a spouse are not self-generated. It flows from the grace Christ has already shown us.
Difficulty between spouses is not evidence of failure; it’s an invitation to grow. Just like my weakened leg after surgery, a marriage that isn’t intentionally exercised will inevitably lose strength. But a marriage that is worked, trained, and prioritized becomes resilient. So, how do we keep the muscles of our marriages from atrophying in the busy season of parenting?
Working Out the Marriage Muscles
Here are three important “muscles” to strengthen in your marriage during the childrearing years:
The Connection
Sometimes we forget that the smallest moments of connectedness can have the biggest impact. This is important to remember when you feel like you can’t fit in an extended date because of the many activities you’re rushing around to. I recall listening to a marriage counselor once who said that the two most important things when it comes to connecting with your spouse are touch and look.
Simply sitting close to each other, or holding hands on a walk, can deepen the sense of connectedness. And equally significant is face-to-face conversation. We’re all tired at the end of a long day, but for a few minutes, put the phone away and make space to talk, sitting face-to-face with the purpose of looking and listening. It doesn’t have to be a long period of time, but these simple things tend to strengthen the bond with our partner.
The Chase
The pursuit of your spouse is as significant while raising your teens as it was when you first started dating. Pursuit doesn’t have to mean elaborate getaways or big gestures. It can be practical and ordinary, like grabbing groceries together before a simple dinner out or taking a walk in the park. Some feel guilty about leaving the kids for a date in a stage of life where it’s already difficult to find time to be all together.
Parents, your investment in your marriage will strengthen your time together as a family. You need alone time with your spouse in order to be the best parent you can be to your children.
And if tension or resentment makes the pursuit feel impossible, inviting a counselor or pastor into the process isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a bold act of pursuit. Chasing your spouse isn’t about perfection but about not giving up on moving toward one another, even slowly, even clumsily.
The Contribution
There is little more meaningful than serving with your spouse. When you are giving of your time, talent, or resources with your spouse, this goes a long way in strengthening your marriage. And what a beautiful example to set for our children.
Where can you serve with your spouse in places you frequent as a family? The local church is one of the best places for this. Maybe it’s teaching a children’s Sunday School class at your church, greeting together on a Sunday morning, or working together at the church’s food pantry. Contributing to the betterment of your church and community strengthens bonds and sets a positive example for your kids.
I’ve been married for over twenty-five years and can say one thing with certainty: marriage takes intentional work. It is also a tremendous gift from God. Both are true. We cannot, by our own strength, do anything to better our marriages apart from the grace of God. With his strength and by his grace, don’t let the marriage muscles atrophy during the child-rearing years. Keep working out the muscles of love and loyalty, trusting the God who joined you together will also supply the strength to hold fast to one another.
If you need regular encouragement and help through the challenges of parenting, check out our Rooted Parent podcast.
