For years, my husband and I tried every method we could think of to motivate our high school son to improve his schoolwork. We discussed the importance of good grades for college, spoke with a mentor about why grades matter, and—yes, in desperation—offered money. We reached a point where we offered financial incentives for better grades, hoping it might spark his motivation.
But all of it was futile. Despite our best efforts, our teen remained unmotivated.
Sometimes, motivating teens feels like trying to herd cats blindfolded, in a windstorm, with one hand tied behind your back. It’s incredibly challenging. But it’s also necessary, and more importantly, we must believe that as parents, God can use us to reach the hearts of our teens.
True motivation isn’t about coercion or control; it’s about discipleship. When we take the time to understand their struggles, listen to their dreams, and point them to God’s truth, we move beyond mere behavior modification into heart transformation.
When a teen feels known and valued, when they experience the love of Christ through us, their desire to do what is good for them flows from a heart surrendered to God rather than from external pressure.
It’s important to look at how the gospel shapes our approach to motivating an unmotivated child. Here are a few guiding principles to consider from the wisdom of the Proverbs.
Realize Your Definition of Success
As parents, our attempts to motivate often stem from our own definition of “success,” which is shaped by comparison with others, and our own life experiences. For example, if I’m being honest, my push for my teens to excel on the ACT largely comes from the belief that success, in my circles, means getting into a prestigious college.
It’s essential to recognize what we define as successful because sometimes we push our children toward a path we think is “right” for them based on our own definition of “right.” When they show interest in something we didn’t expect or don’t like, we try to force them back to what we envision for them, creating tension and frustration. Our children are uniquely made by God, and it’s possible they’ll flourish on a path we hadn’t even considered.
Additionally, we must prayerfully discern whether we are trying to justify ourselves by having a successful child. In other words, sometimes we parent out of fear thinking that if a child is “unsuccessful,” it will make us look bad. For example, for some parents, motivating a child becomes less about shaping their heart, and more about appeasing the fear that an unsuccessful child will make them look bad.
In other families, if a parent is concerned that their child isn’t motivated to reach a certain earning potential, that concern is less about the child’s well-being and more about the parent feeling secure about their child’s future.
The point is, we must recognize why we’re pushing them. If our goal is for our child to succeed by our standards or to justify our worries, we need to realize that true success, according to Scripture, isn’t about personal achievement but about fulfilling God’s purposes for our lives. Proverbs 16:3 says, “Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.”
More important than motivating our teen to be who we want them to be is encouraging them to trust God with their plans and efforts, knowing that ultimately, he is the one who grants success according to his purposes.
Recognize the Difference Between Lack of Motivation and Disobedience
It’s important to understand the difference between motivating a child and expecting obedience. For instance, when I ask my teenager to clean her room, I’m giving a clear instruction, and it’s her responsibility to follow through, whether she feels motivated or not.
Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” Discipline is an act of love. When we don’t correct disobedience, we aren’t helping our child grow. So, if my teen refuses to clean her room, I need to address the disobedience—not just assume it’s because she lacks motivation.
That said, it’s also essential to check our approach. Are we setting unrealistic expectations based on our own hopes for their success? Or are we encouraging them to take ownership of their responsibilities in a way that feels meaningful to them? Motivation is personal—it’s about helping them find purpose in what they do, not just pushing them to meet external expectations.
The key is balancing discipline with motivation. If a teen is struggling to stay motivated in areas where they have potential—like schoolwork or extracurricular activities—it’s helpful to have open, honest conversations. Instead of simply commanding or scolding, ask questions like, “What excites you about the future?” or “What could make this task feel more engaging?” While discipline is necessary for obedience, motivation requires understanding what sparks their interest.
Remember that Passions Emerge Over Time
It’s not that teens are NOT motivated, but they are not always motivated to do what we’re asking of them.
Take heart and remember that your unmotivated teen will eventually find what drives her. If your concern is simply that she doesn’t seem motivated about anything, start by praying that God will reveal her unique gifts and passions.
Proverbs 22:29 says, “Do you see a man skillful in his work? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men.” In other words, notice the gifts in your children, even if those talents or interests seem unconventional. You never know how the Lord might use their gifts to greatly influence others.
Encourage gifts that you may think are “useless,” such as gaming, and then prayerfully consider how you might engage in a conversation about using that gift for the betterment of others. Maybe it’s standing out as a Christian in online gaming or teaching someone younger about their particular area of interest.
You never know the kind of influence they might have with the gifts they’ve been given. Passion fuels excellence, and when your teen finds what they’re passionate about, motivation will follow.
Retain the Gospel Message in Your Motivating
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” When trying to motivate our teens, we must remember what’s ultimately important: their relationship with Jesus.
It’s easy to get caught up in motivating our teens to perform in school, sports, or other areas, but we cannot lose sight of nurturing their hearts. More than anything, our teens need to know that they are fully loved and fully accepted by God. Lasting change begins in their hearts.
The gospel transforms our approach to motivation. When we remember what Jesus does for us – daily showing us his grace and mercy – it changes our pushing from “why don’t you do this,” to “what can you do in light of what Jesus has done for you?”
After two years of college, my son left school to pursue a job in sales. That was when he discovered his passion, and for the first time, I saw my son motivated in ways I never expected. Now I see him eagerly learning, teaching, inspiring, building, and creating. Watching the transformation has been humbling.
As we wait for our teens to find their passions, let’s be prayerfully patient. Trust that God will guide them in using their gifts and fulfilling his purposes in their lives.
Check out the Rooted Parent Podcast upcoming season: Can’t Do It All, beginning April 10!
