Let’s Fight About It: Discipling Teens in the Art of Disagreeing Well

I can’t remember what I was angry about, and neither can my husband, but boy, was I angry. 

My husband and I were on a date, and something during the evening rubbed me the wrong way, so we began to argue. By the time we returned home, I was boiling over with frustration. As my husband stomped up the stairs, I stood in the quiet kitchen staring at the pizza box with the leftover pepperoni pizza the kids ate for dinner. 

I looked over at my husband’s coat … and then back at the pizza box. 

In what can only be explained as one of the most immature moments of my adult life, I grabbed his coat, stuffed it in the pizza box, opened and closed the lid several times to ensure that the fibers of the coat effectively soaked up the sauce, and then closed the pizza box entirely. With the coat inside. 

And here I am writing on the art of teaching our teens to disagree well. 

The Imperfect Instructors

Our kids are growing up in a world that literally does not know how to disagree and still remain friendly. 68% of teens say they regularly experience online drama (no matter how significant or insignificant the issue). One teen explains: “Things blow up a lot more on social media because a lot of things people say, they wouldn’t say to, like, your face in person…” 

In his graciousness, the Lord doesn’t ask parents to have all the answers, but he has given us his perfect Word to gain wisdom in navigating disagreement. In spite of our shortcomings and the poor examples in our culture, parents can point their children to God’s truth to help them understand what it looks like to disagree with love and grace.  

In the midst of conflicts, it’s easy to forget just how profound God’s love and grace are. In the same way that we fall short in our relationship with others, we also fall short in our relationship with God because of our sin (Rom. 3:23). This started back with Adam and Eve who disagreed with God over his instruction, and humanity has been disagreeing with him ever since. But God in his matchless love and mercy provided a way for us to be reconciled to him through the death and resurrection of Jesus (1 Cor. 15:3-4). 

Because of his sacrifice, when we fall short in our own disagreements, Jesus offers his grace and forgiveness. As parents, we have the privilege of teaching our children not only how to navigate conflicts in this world but also how to live out the love of Christ in response to the love he has shown us, even when we don’t deserve it. 

The Perfect Principles

As we seek the Lord’s help in modeling grace and humility in our relationships, we must also be pointing them to God’s Word when it comes to handling conflicts. Here are just a few of the verses to read and apply with your teen. 

Proverbs 13:16:Every prudent man acts with knowledge, but a fool flaunts his folly.”

Not long ago, one of my teens was headed into a meeting over a disagreement in the way a certain situation was handled. The one bit of advice my husband gave her was to ask questions first. Don’t assume you have a complete understanding of the situation. Most of the time our information comes from second-hand knowledge, so asking for clarification not only dispels natural defensiveness, it gives us clarity which helps us avoid responding foolishly. 

We can be rightfully informed by asking questions rather than starting with critique. Encourage your teen to ask questions such as, “Do I understand you to be saying….” Or “Help me understand how you came to this conclusion,” This approach can go  a long way towards dissipating tension.  

Proverbs 14:29: “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” 

I love how the Message translates the second half of this verse: “A quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity.” This is a hard area for all of us – kids and parents alike. But being slow to anger makes for deeper and clearer understanding of the issue at hand. Too often conflict arises because we are busy talking past each other and not to each other. 

As parents, we can apply this by encouraging our teens to wait before they immediately text, post, or speak back to someone with whom they are angry. Encourage your teen to do three things before responding to someone they are frustrated with: Pause. Think. Pray. Consider carefully what was said and why it was said, and then prayerfully respond. Remind your teen that lashing out angrily will solve nothing. Is this hard? Yes. Can the Lord help us with our tempers? Absolutely. 

Proverbs 18:13: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

The Bible says it explicitly here: answering someone without really listening is just plain rude and foolish. 

We do this when we think about our own comeback while the other person is still talking, and when we don’t listen to them carefully. Listening well is a lost art in our society, so we would do well to exemplify it for our kids. When they express doubts or try to explain their hurt, listen carefully without immediately interjecting your thoughts or opinions. 

Encourage your teen to ask a trusted leader or parent their opinion on a disagreement, and then urge them to listen carefully to their answer. We tune out advice that doesn’t align with our viewpoint too easily. Listening well shows humility and respect, which in turn makes both parties more gracious and receptive to differences of opinion. 

Proverbs 26:4-5: “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes.” 

If you are disagreeing with someone who is acting foolishly (like, say, putting a coat into a pizza box), their language and actions speak for themselves. You don’t need to contend with foolish behavior, or you may look as foolish as they do. Jesus did not always answer his adversaries (Matt 26:62; Jn. 19:9), nor did he shoot back belittling comments at their foolishness.

It is very tempting to engage with foolish behavior when you’re disagreeing online. Encourage your teen, when at all possible, to have a face-to-face conversation and avoid joining in to unnecessary foolishness. 

God has gifted us with so much wisdom through his Word. Point your teen to his wisdom when they come to you wondering how to handle a disagreement with someone. Remind your teenager that Jesus, in his patience and his strength, promises to help, no matter how frustrated he or she may be. 

For more resources to help parents disciple their children, check out Rooted Reservoir Family Discipleship.

Katie is a writer, teacher, and speaker. She is married to Chris, a PCA pastor at Trinity church in St. Louis, MO, and is a mother to three wonderful kids. Katie works as the Director of Music Ministries and Special Events at Trinity and writes for several Christian ministries and organizations. She received her Master of Arts in Theology from Covenant Seminary in St. Louis. More information can be found on her website at www.katiepolski.com

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