“Be good,” we say to little ones as the babysitter arrives.
“Be good,” we say to school-age kids before they go over to a friend’s house.
“Be good,” we say to teens before they drive off in their own car.
This familiar phrase is one kids hear all throughout their childhood, and the meaning differs in every age, stage, and context.
Many kids pick up on a “be good” message as they learn Bible stories, hear the gospel, and participate in all sorts of church activities.
The call to goodness is not wrong. However, we need to be clear about the place behavior holds in the life of a believer. Misunderstandings around “being good” for God can cripple kids with a sort of legalism that can lead to anxiety or rebellion.
Clarify with Kids How Good Behavior Fits Into God’s View of Them
God saves us “by grace … through faith,” not according to our “works” and yet plans ahead “good works” for us to do (Eph. 2:8-10). As adults, we have a hard time grasping this truth and living according to it. So, it shouldn’t surprise us when kids struggle to understand this too.
When we are urging kids to behave in particular ways because of what God says to do or not do, we need to make sure they understand that…
- God’s love for them doesn’t change based on their behavior.
- God’s commands are good and fitting for people who trust him.
- God is delighted by our obedience, not placated or appeased by it.
Sharing the gospel whenever possible can help kids connect that their salvation is dependent on Jesus, not on their earning God’s forgiveness by “being good.” Emphasizing the glory, grace, and kindness God shows us because of Jesus also helps kids see that God is worthy of our obedience as a response to who he is and what he has done for us.
Kids who tend to beat themselves up over their sin and weaknesses particularly benefit from being reminded that Christ is their righteousness (2 Cor. 5:21.)
Kids who tend to push against rules and disregard reminders akin to “be good” particularly benefit from being told about how awe-inspiring God is and how all his commands are designed for our good (Heb. 12:10.)
But everyone needs to hear both of these truths.
Give Kids the Context of What Fuels and Sustains a Believer’s Obedience
As everyone who cares for children knows, “I can’t” is a common response to being told what to do—even as kids get older and receive more correction on their attitudes. While “I can’t” may just be a convenient excuse, kids often also truly feel they can’t do what they’ve been told. It’s fair. They are humans too. They are weak; they struggle; they try and fail too.
Being honest with kids that you understand the struggle is a big help to them, especially when you assure them that God already knows that and sent us a Helper for just that reason. All of us can only truly “be good” in reliance on God through the Holy Spirit.
Kids need to know that when they feel like they “can’t”—or when they have tried and still messed up—they can…
- Ask God for help with anything, any time.
- Receive forgiveness from God because of Jesus.
- Look to God’s Word for assurance that God has given believers…
- A spirit of power, love, and self-control (2 Tim. 1:7).
- Strength for all things through Jesus (Phil. 4:13).
- Everything they need for life and godliness (2 Pet. 1:3).
- Turn to other believers for prayer, support, and help as they grow.
- Seek God’s wisdom for how to avoid temptation and grow in godliness.
A helpful refrain for replying to “I can’t,” is “Okay, then what does God say you can do as you rely on him?” and to return to truths like those above.
Be More Specific When You Talk About Goodness
Some definitions of good are “morally excellent; virtuous; righteous” and “of high quality; excellent” (dictionary.com). Biblically, goodness is attributed to God. He embodies all that is excellent. He is not just high in quality but perfect. He is all that is moral, virtuous, and righteous.
Calling children to “be good” is a big ask. It’s also vague. We may be referring to their behavior, speech, decision-making, or attitude. We may mean they ought to do what a particular adult or law sets forth as “good”—i.e. taking shoes off at the front door or obeying traffic laws. We may just mean “don’t embarrass me, please!”
Being more specific clarifies expectations and creates opportunities to hone in on the goodness of God’s specific commands. If you know, for example, that a child is likely to encounter a peer they find annoying, encourage them that God is patient and forbearing with all of us and that he can help your child to be patient and forbearing too.
Show Delight in Them Apart from Their Behavior
Especially during frustrating stages, such as the onslaught of hormones in the tween years, it’s easy to slip into only commenting on kids’ behavior. They might feel as if you only like them when they behave as you’d like them to—and since you’re often correcting them, they may feel that you don’t like or enjoy them at all, even if they know you love them.
That’s a sad reflection on how you actually view them and on God’s view of them too.
Be sure your compliments and encouragements are wider-ranging than remarks on behavior. Comment on their character, their quips, their talents, their morally-neutral choices like the color of a sweater, even their dreams.
Likewise, couch some lighter corrections in the truth that your child isn’t just the choice they just made. When they put an empty cereal box back into the cabinet for the 18th time, let them know you love them, you’ll miss the day they grow out of that habit, and laugh about them forgetting that silly step yet again. They’ll take themselves and any sense of “so-and-so only ever corrects me” less seriously as they experience that kind of grace and affection.
Join us at the Rooted conference in Dallas Texas, October 24-26 for more content for parents and youth pastors!
This concept is played out in the chapter book Abigail and the Career Day Catastrophe, a realistic story for kids written by Bethany McIlrath about relying on God’s goodness instead of our own.
