Editor’s Note: We recognize that many mental health challenges require the support of a trained counselor. If your teenager is struggling, we encourage you to inquire with your church’s youth minister or pastor about counselor referrals. We also recommend Teenagers and Mental Health: A Handbook for Parents, Pastors, and Youth Leaders by Monica Kim and Danny Kwon, published by our friends at New Growth Press, in partnership with Rooted.
The challenge of teenage mental health has been on my radar possibly before there has been a growing public awareness. As a single dad of three sons adopted through foster care, I have seen the challenges that trauma presents in the lives of my sons. Meanwhile, as a Christian college professor, I see increasingly more students experiencing anxiety—even those who come from Christian homes into a Christian college.
Erik Erikson’s work in the life stages of psychosocial development lists the very first developmental stage as Trust vs. Mistrust. In other words, if from the early first years of birth through 18 months old, a child has not bonded with parents and caregivers because of a lack of nurture, that child has some major obstacles to overcome. The child experiences trauma, anxiety, and distrust. In contrast to this experience, we could call discipleship “Christian nurture.” Christian nurture does not end after 18 months; bonding and forming trust needs to continue through a child’s life. Unfortunately, our children are growing up in a culture that continually breaks trust. A lack of trust creates instability and chaos. This in turn, creates anxiety.
It has never been more critical for parents and extended family to engage in meaningful and intentional discipleship with their children in collaboration with the local church. I have written elsewhere, “Your children are being discipled by the world. The question is, ‘Is your discipleship stronger than the world.'”1 As parents, we spend significantly more time with our children than church leaders do. Unless you homeschool your children, the next set of adults that spend the most time with them are schoolteachers. We have not even considered the amount of time our children might engage in social media.2 All of this should give us reason to consider how much time we are discipling our children compared to all the other voices in their lives.
Here is some good news for parents who want to combat the anxiety our children and youth are experiencing in this culture: Recent Christian psychology affirms the usefulness of basic discipleship practices.
The Power of Discipleship
My work as a professor and as a dad of sons who have experienced trauma has led me to conduct research in the areas of Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) principles and how they intersect with spiritual formation practices. TBRI comes out of the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University. TBRI outlines core principles for reconnecting with children through a process of Empower, Connect and Correct. Part of overcoming trauma is allowing young people to discover their own agency, that is, empowering them. We want to help them to find their God-given voice by offering them choices that help them make the right decision.
We then spend significant time working on building a relationship of trust. Famed child psychologist Erik Erikson observes that the first phase of healthy psychosocial development of a child begins with trust. We build trust with simple practices like consistency, having family meals that bond us together, and learning how to actively listen to our children. Finally, after we have empowered a child with choices and connected them through relationship, we can then correct negative behaviors. All of these approaches help young people thrive, not just survive. Like you for your children, I don’t want my sons (or my college students) to simply survive, I want them to thrive!
Here are a few discipleship practices I have found to be helpful in dealing with anxiety and mental health for adolescents.
Meet physical needs along with spiritual needs.
Have you ever noticed how, in the Gospels, Jesus goes out of his way to meet the physical and spiritual needs of those he serves? He and the disciples feed the multitude on different occasions. He touches the leper first before speaking words of healing (Matt. 8:1-4). Making sure our children and youth are hydrated and well fed does more than we think it does to show nurture. D.A. Carson said, “Jesus ate his way through the Gospels!” (Glanville, 2012). This is why a critical part of building stability is having meals around a table and having conversations. We must stop rushing our kids around to so many extra-curricular activities that, to be blunt, do not matter as much as family mealtimes together. Sharing meals and conversing builds the trust and stability our children and teenagers desperately need.
Try centering prayer.
Another practice that helps build stability is centering prayer. Centering prayer is a quick but significant way to interrupt the negative neural pathways that contribute to anxiety. If our children and teenagers are constantly bombarded with negative or comparative stimuli, they must learn how to separate themselves from those stimuli. For instance, if your child suffers from test anxiety, centering prayer helps to break the neural pathways that have been established. Instead of allowing anxiety to take over and impact the physiological responses, teaching children to focus on the sovereignty of God can interrupt patterns of thinking. I use this centering prayer with hand motions: “Christ above me, Christ below me, Christ ahead of me, and Christ behind me. Christ to my right and to my left. Christ around me and Christ within me to give me strength for the moment.”
How many of us have been tempted to (or have) lost our temper with our children? Admittedly, I have but as I engaged with centering prayer before engaging with my sons on some negative behavior, I am reminded to respond as Christ might. Further, it reminds me to keep Christ at the center of discipline and discipleship. Yes, I have had to engage in this practice on several occasions. What I have done by engaging in centering prayer is interrupted the negative neural pathways that trigger anxiety and then cause me to lash out at my sons. If my brain has developed a habit of lashing out, I must interrupt that neural pathway and replace it with a new behavior. The more I practice the new behavior, the less the old behavior rears it’s ugly head.
We can find this truth in Romans 12:2: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Teach biblical meditation.
Our culture has adopted a number of practices influenced by eastern meditation, including an emphasis on “mindfulness” that can rightly make Christians wary of meditation. But meditating on God’s Word is biblical: Psalm 1:2 tells us to meditate on God’s law (or his teaching). Meditation on Scripture helps us, once again, put our focus on more positive attributes of our relationship with God and each other. Meditation can help us imagine, “What does it mean to be strong and courageous because Jesus will never leave me or forsake me?” (Deut. 31:6; Heb. 13:5). We can teach our children and youth to picture and meditate on Jesus being with them and in them when trying times come!
Encourage kids to journal or make art.
Children and youth often lack the words to express what they are feeling. Writing in a journal allows a person to slow down in order to process his or her thoughts. Some children might prefer to draw what they are feeling. Either way, creative expressions that focus on Jesus can help bring peace and comfort to our children as they live in a world of chaos.
The gospel compels us.
These spiritual formation practices share the same principles of TBRI of empowering, connecting, and correcting. We can empower children and youth through their relationships with Christ and each other. We can connect through meals and meaningful relationships and conversations. Finally, we can correct improper ways of thinking and behaving by pointing our children back to the truth of God’s Word and the good news of Jesus’ finished work on their behalf.
For all of us hoping to minimize the unhealthy anxiety in the lives of the children and youth we love, I pray we all continue a journey of engagement in spiritual formation practices—for our sake and theirs! Starting somewhere, even if it is small, is a positive step toward discipleship and healing. Asking your child, “Can I pray for you” or even saying something like, “Let’s put our anger aside for a moment and go get ice cream.” While this would obviously have to be taken in context of how serious an offense is, your child, whether young or old, will see that you value the relationship even in the times of deep frustration. You can use this as a “reset” and allow both you and your child more time to process a disagreement.
After all, you can teach the right thing, but if you lose the relationship, it will be difficult to teach more correct things in the future! Breaking the tension and inviting a conversation over ice cream allows you to empower, connect and then correct. This is not “soft parenting.” It is a way of telling your child that you have unconditional love for him or her—a love that points to the love of God in Christ. You will still engage in the conversation, but in a way that allows you to reprocess, refocus and reset.
Let me admit to you as a sometimes-struggling parent, I don’t always get things right. Aren’t you glad when we can find a “reset button?” God promises us this in his Word: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9). Let’s model this grace for our children in moments of tension, asking God to lift their anxieties as we do.
If you’re looking for more support in building at-home discipleship practices, consider working through Rooted’s family discipleship curriculum videos with your church or small group.
