After about the 15th attempt at telling students to stop talking during the lesson, I thought to myself, “I didn’t sign up to be a schoolteacher, I signed up to be a youth pastor.” But here I am, frustrated, trying to silence kids and threaten them with consequences like a third-grade teacher about to take away recess privileges.
If you have been there as a youth minister, this article is for you. One of the most underrated skills in youth ministry is how to engage teenagers who are acting up. Seminaries and other ministry training institutes may teach you how to do proper exegesis, how to structure a message, or how to analyze the overall trends of youth and spirituality. Those are necessary skills to possess, but none of them have any relevance if students refuse to participate in your teaching efforts.
Teenagers act out or create disruptions for a number of reasons. Unlike adult church gatherings, where everyone willingly participates teenagers sometimes come to our programs because their parents require it. They may not (yet) follow Jesus or love his people. As a result, youth ministers and volunteer leaders can sometimes become the target of students’ anger and frustration.
Understanding this dynamic is the first and most formidable step you can make in responding to a student who is disruptive at youth group. As you accept that you have students from various backgrounds with a diverse set of spiritual beliefs, you can adjust your expectations and respond more appropriately. Here are four categories for responding when teenagers push the limits.
Engage the Mind
Certain students may find the lesson time too shallow or not compatible with their learning style. Many of these students can become bored and disrupt the lesson time because they don’t feel mentally stimulated. Perhaps the lesson time is a repeat of what they have learned at home, or they already feel like they already know the answers, whether they are correct or not. These students may need a separate time for more advanced study with the understanding that they should be accommodating to other students who may not be tracking as closely.
Some of our students have special needs such as Autism Spectrum Disorder or Down Syndrome. In this case, their cognitive differences can make it challenging for them to listen to an entire 20-30 minute talk without interrupting or distracting others. It may not be feasible to restructure the entire group for the sake of one or two students, but youth leaders should meet individually with these students and their families in order to devise plans that allow students to grow spiritually and feel included in the community.
Engage the Heart
Students sometimes carry emotional wounds from their home or school environments. They may have a dysfunctional home life, or they may face bullying at school. They may even feel marginalized at the youth group for one reason or another. These hurts lead them to mistreat others or mock structured group activities. Before we move to correct disruptive students, we need to seek to understand their hearts.
Youth leaders should dig deeper into the personal lives of these students, not as an investigator intent on solving a crime, but with the goal of discovering the root cause behind their pain. Inform your volunteer workers and give special encouragement to these students whenever possible. It is also wise to recruit more mature students in this task as well. Sometimes acceptance from fellow students will win over a hurting student faster than anything else.
Use the Hands
Many youth groups have that student who is a ball of energy and can’t seem to stand still even for a second, almost as if they have a perpetual caffeine high. This type of student has a good heart, they don’t have any ill intent, and are not misbehaving out of any pain. Some have ADHD or ADD, but some are just high-energy people (and maybe they’ve been sitting and listening in school all day long). This is where offering simple but meaningful tasks, like passing out Bibles or helping facilitate snack time, can help redirect their energy so that it isn’t spent disrupting structured activities.
Students can also feel more at home and accepted in the group if they have designated roles. Not everyone will have the maturity of a student leader, but there are many behind-the-scenes opportunities for students needing to be drawn in. I assigned one high-energy student a role of helping out with the AV during the service. He eventually graduated college into a career in videography/photography. I don’t know whether my giving him that role was the catalyst, but it certainly gave him experience. For students who may not be very social or have many friends, this also helps buffer against any discipline issues that may result from a lack of belonging.
Use Proper Escalation
Sometimes, our efforts to engage students positively will not be enough. When a student repeatedly disrupts the group or deliberately defies the instruction of a leader, we will need to escalate our response. As we do, we must always keep the gospel at the front of our minds so that we respond in love, not out of anger. Jesus tells us that we ought to be merciful and forgive those who sin against us “seventy-times seven.” That does not mean that we allow a student to be disruptive 490 times before intervening, but it does mean we come with a heart that is ready to forgive.
I have had to remove students from youth group meetings because of their behavior in the hope that their absence will lead to greater accountability and eventually to restoration. This was not done easily or quickly. I had many meetings with one particular student and eventually with his parents about his challenges in the group. Some students had left the group as a result of his behavior, and others complained of distraction and ongoing frustration. Despite the interventions, the behavior persisted. I was left, therefore, with no other option but to meet with the student and his parents and take the necessary action. A youth minister should feel as if he or she has done everything possible to provide spiritual guidance to a troubled student before ever considering this route. It is also vitally important to include church leadership in the decision so that they can provide support and prayer in the event of pushback.
Agents of God’s Grace
As we encounter students who need our loving correction, we must remember that Jesus died to save sinners, including our teenagers. He loves us and them just as they are, but he also loves them too much to leave them where they are. In Hebrews 12:5-11 we read that God disciplines us for our good, that though it’s not pleasant at the time but painful, it produces in us a harvest of righteousness. His correction in our lives is proof that he loves us and that we are indeed his children. The main goal is never to shame students or even to make the group a more comfortable environment for those who are eager to grow spiritually, but to reconcile the prodigal back to God.
God has placed us as youth ministers in students’ lives to show his grace as he leads them toward conformity to his image. This is only possible when we consider the grace that we have been given as leaders by God himself through Christ. The cross saves us as leaders in the same way that it saves our students, and Jesus died for us in the same way that he died for them, because we are both sinners. So as you face frustration with certain students in your group, remember that we are agents of a grace that has the power to save and restore both ourselves and our students.
Looking for more support with challenges you face in youth or family ministry? Consider applying for one of Rooted’s mentorship cohorts!
