The area in which I minister places a very high value on performance. People are very disciplined in many aspects of life, especially academically. Most all families are intact with few divorces. While many folks complain about a general disposition to frugality, most are very responsible in managing their finances.
But there are challenges with this mindset. The high emphasis on productivity can lead to a works-based view of God and life that minimizes the importance of showing mercy and grace in parenting.
In a high-performing context, kids are taught, either implicitly or explicitly, that from a very young age they are constantly being evaluated for their ability to produce tangible value to society. They are tested for their academic knowledge so that the smartest can make the best high schools, then the best colleges, then the best jobs. As the thinking goes, the highest performers produce the most value to the society.
High expectations not only infiltrate every aspect of life, they are super-imposed onto the core parts of one’s identity. If you are a high performer and make good, stable income, you are seen someone of high character, a good person, someone to be esteemed and admired, and a candidate for dating and marriage. If you aren’t a high performer, well, the opposite must be true.
It goes without saying that this philosophy is antithetical to the gospel of grace found in Jesus. But if I am not careful, I can allow this thinking to penetrate my mindset as a parent. I sometimes view my children as if they were Steve 2.0.There have been times where I have sadly pushed my children, who needed sleep, to finish homework or get ahead on studying because in my mind, there is little to no margin for error when competing for admissions to college.
The gospel at its core is not about joining the church or becoming a better person. It’s not even about avoiding hell or reciting the sinner’s prayer. The gospel at its core is a story of grace and mercy for those who don’t merit it. The focus is on the work of the cross. Jesus, who was without fault, absorbed God’s just judgment so that we may merit eternal life. Truly, “the Lord is merciful and gracious” (Ps. 103:8).
Loving Because We Are Loved
Performance-based culture delivers the message, “show me production and I will give you love and respect.” The gospel does the opposite. It says, “I will show you love and respect regardless of your ability to produce.” Romans 5:8 tells us that God demonstrated his love for us by sending Jesus to die while we will still sinners. The verse doesn’t say, “when you have avoided porn for a year, finish an anger management course, attend church for 20 weeks straight or read through the Bible, then you can be eligible for salvation in Jesus Christ.” There is not a quota of repentance that triggers his forgiveness. It’s his mercy and grace that leads us to repentance.
Because Christ loved us in this way, this is the example we should strive to set as parents. The area where I live oozes the philosophy of production. It can be hard to parent in a way that runs counter to this philosophy. To make the sports team you have to try out and be better than 50-80% of the other athletes to make the team. To attend a magnet high school, you have to score higher than 70% of the kids who take the entrance exam. To attend a prestigious college you need a certain GPA and SAT score that is higher than most of the population.
Competition and production rule the day, but as parents we must counter this mindset. Rather than withholding praise until they make the team, get into the magnet school, or get accepted into a prestigious university, we must emphasize that we are proud of our kids because they are our kids. God loves us for no other reason than we are his children. We as parents follow suit. We love them and care for them whether they pass or fail, get lots of playing time or get cut, attend an Ivy League school or a community college.
From God’s Grace to Our Compassion
Because the Lord is patient with us in our failings, we must bear with our kids in return. When our kids err, we must remember that we have a God who loves us even though we err. When we show frustration with our children because they struggle to understand concepts in school, reject worldviews we want them to hold, or seem irresponsible and immature, we have to remember that God is patient while we struggle to understand and act in his will.
This doesn’t mean that we don’t have standards or expectations for our children. God has blessed our children with gifts in various areas, whether knowledge in math and science, artistic abilities, athleticism or an ability to work with their hands. As parents we should expect that they work hard in developing those gifts. But the expectation of development of those gifts should not overtake the love that we have for them. We must love them as people created in the image of God first and praise the ability the have to contribute to society second.
There’s a popular saying, “behavior is caught not taught.” Teaching the Bible and the truth about God to our kids is important and necessary, but all of the teaching about the gospel won’t take hold unless a parent exhibits mercy and grace towards their family. Most of us have some type of cultural conditioning that can be an obstacle to applying this view of parenting. But this is where we, as parents who have been saved by his mercy and grace, lean on the infinite wisdom of the Holy Spirit to show us where we fall short. May he empower us to break through our cultural limits and love our children the way Jesus does.
For more gospel-centered parenting resources, check out Rooted’s Family Discipleship Curriculum.
