Early every morning, my dog Rosie and I head to a dog park for our morning romp. Nearby, an osprey nest adorns the top of a large concrete pillar. Ospreys typically mate for life. The father catches fish for the family and defends them from predators. The mother incubates the eggs and watches devotedly over her young.
One quiet morning, the father osprey soared in from the Puget Sound, fish clutched in his talons, preparing to alight on the nest. Watching in wonder, we saw little beaks bobbing eagerly. Suddenly, a bald eagle dove from the sky. The osprey, diverted from his hungry family, landed in a field by the park fence. He huddled over his prize, head tucked, while the eagle attacked with unimaginable force and speed. Though exposed in an open field, the osprey refused to release his family’s breakfast. We stood rooted in place, impressed by his defiance.
The eagle relented after a seemingly endless barrage. Our osprey flew back to his hungry family, his talons triumphantly holding the battered fish. The baby birds grew under the care of their devoted parents. A couple of months later, the nest suddenly contained one lone osprey. Then, the nest was empty.
After more than two decades of tenacious, osprey-like parenting, I now parent four (mostly) independent young adult children. Flight patterns have changed, the nest is empty, and I must recalibrate. As I’ve made this transition, five guiding parenting principles have emerged: Ask forgiveness, champion independence, shower mercy, foster fun, and, above all, lavish love.
Ask Forgiveness
With all my birds flown, I am developing a different parenting skill. I will foul it up (no pun intended). I have been an excellent parent-sinner for more than two decades now; I speak sharp words, wrestle for control, pester unnecessarily, worry irrationally, and continue to sin against my own children more generally. When this happens, the best course of action is to acknowledge my shortcomings and ask my young adult children for forgiveness. I need to apologize specifically, personally, and sincerely. “I am sorry I opened my big mouth and nagged you. Will you forgive me?”
One handy tool to gauge my words is this question: Would I speak those words (or use that tone of voice) with a respected peer? If the answer is no, an apology may be in order.
Champion Independence
My young adult children have their own callings. Understanding that they might not take off and land the way I did, or wish they would, provides them with freedom. Flying involves a jump into the unknown, a leap I cannot control or do for them. Though humbling to admit, they might fly better if I stay out of their way.
In an attempt to curb my unhelpful verbal interventions, I wrote these words on my bathroom mirror sometime last year: “Silence is generally a winner.” After two decades of offering my corrections, advice, and opinions, the time has come to embrace a gracious and supportive silence. I have loved them, trained them, and prayed over them. When they ask for my advice, I can be ready. Championing their leap means that I watch (mostly silently) as they jump, trusting God for the outcome.
Shower Mercy
My perch provides me with a clear view of each child’s leap into the unknown. This season involves life-changing decisions: faith, schooling, employment, life management, and marriage. Like me, my young adult children are sinners in need of the gospel every day. They are also the ones leaping from a safe nest into the unknown. Shining gospel light into every situation of their lives, whether they succeed or fail, points them to Christ.
This means I listen well, offer encouragement, and seek to build our emerging adult relationship. I eliminate attitudes and phrases like, “If you had just listened…” and “Hmm, I told you that wasn’t going to go well…” Paul’s words echo in my mind, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:18). I should be the hardest person to offend and the first to extend an apology.
Foster Family Fun
A seemingly “unspiritual” takeaway in this season of life is that family fun remains important. Just as we prioritized family fun when the children were young, we must also prioritize family fun with our adult children, even in the face of challenging schedules and varied geographical locations.
Family volleyball games over school breaks, family trips, Wordle across the miles, and a vibrant text chat connect us with laughter and shared experiences. Many of us now compete in Fantasy Football leagues. Yes, I am the only one who didn’t join, and family fun happened without me. But you can teach an old bird new tricks. I may not know anything about football, but look out, family, I’m coming to defeat you next year!
Lavish Love
Lord willing, I will travel this road as a parent of adult children longer than I traverse any other stage of life. I suspect that though the toddler and teen years were monumental, empty nest years remain important as well. Peter was not addressing empty-nesters in his epistle, but his words ring true to this season nonetheless: “The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (I Peter 4:7-8). My thoughts and prayers should focus on how I can love my spouse and family well in this extended final lap.
Find Grace in Jesus’ Work
Many of us inhabit empty nests that do not look as we anticipated. Divorce or death left us alone. Perhaps our spouse struggles with chronic illness, or we enfold aging parents into our home. Maybe some of our children failed to launch. Regardless of the nest in which God placed us, he did not stick us on top of the wrong piling. If our nest is broken or messy, he will one day make all things new through the death, resurrection, and return of his Son, Jesus Christ.
Christ’s work covers all our sins, even those in these empty nest years. Tears will be wiped away, bodies made whole, and relationships mended. As we await Christ’s return, we want to be quick to seek forgiveness from our adult children when we fail and wholeheartedly cheer them on as they fly. We want to shower them with mercy and foster family joy. Above all, we want our adult children to know that we love them earnestly, as love covers a multitude of sins.
For more gospel-centered parenting wisdom, listen to the Rooted Parent Podcast and the Asian American Parenting Podcast. Our hosts equip and encourage parents as they disciple their children to lifelong faith in Jesus.
