You open your computer and find the school website. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Finally, they post the list. You scan the names as fast as you can, hoping—no, praying—that you will see your son or daughter’s name listed as having made the team.
Most children will try out for a team, an organization, an ensemble at some point—something where they have an opportunity to distinguish themselves from their peers and earn their place. Weeks, months, and even years of lessons, practices, and preparation are put to the test at a tryout.
Tryouts bring a rollercoaster of emotions that can shake even the most even-keeled parent. Yet tryout season provides fertile ground for both parents and teens alike to remember their identity in Christ. It’s a time to remember that God is not only the author of of our children’s stories, but he also prepares them for whatever he has. In addition, tryouts give teens the opportunity to strengthen their resiliency, which equips them for future challenges in life.
I Am What I Do
Have you ever noticed that when you meet someone, you often ask what they “do?” “I’m a banker. I’m a stay-at-home mom. He’s athletic. He’s musical. She’s a dancer. She’s a runner.”
We naturally tend to identify ourselves by what we do, or what our teens do, as a statement of who we are. Parents take it a step further when we think of our teens as an extension of our own identity, tying their successes or failures to who we are as parents.
It is no wonder that anxiety and fear creep in during tryouts! If our daughter doesn’t make the cheer squad, then she isn’t a cheerleader anymore. If our son fails the solo, he’s no longer a violinist. However, our identity is not based on what we do. In fact, God gives us a better identity. When we believe the good news that Jesus, the son of God, came to earth to die for our sins so much happens. God declares us righteous, and we are restored to right relationship with him. The Bible tells us that we become a new creation, as well as children of God (2 Cor. 2:17-18; 1 John 3:1).
This identity is secure in Christ: we are a new creation; we are children of God. It does not change based on involvement or accolades. Whether our teen makes the team or does not, this identity remains the same.
In our family, when nerves about a game bubble up, I first remind my teen of who he is in Christ. Then I remind him that nothing he can do (or not do) can change that. I remind him that the sport he is about to play is something he gets to do, not who he is. So then, because his identity is not dependent on his performance, he is free to play with joy because the outcome cannot change who he is. Similarly, with a tryout, whether the team is made or not, your teen is more than a cheerleader or a basketball player; he or she is a child of God, beloved and kept.
Talking Point: What are three words or phrases you would use to describe your identity or who you are? What are three words or phrases that God uses to describe your identity in Christ?
The Best Author
Even with the firm foundation of our identity in Christ, the tension surrounding a tryout is usually unavoidable. Nerves set in, butterflies flutter around in our stomachs, and emotions are on edge.
Your teen wonders what group she will fit into if she doesn’t make the team. As parents, we want our children to belong and have community with others their age and worry about them feeling disconnected if they don’t find their place. We write a story in our minds of what should happen and what the ideal outcome should be, with storylines that are known and comfortable. Yet, I am not the author of my teen’s story. God is the Creator of all things, including our stories. The worst-case scenario for most parents is that our teen does not make the team. What then? Our teen may experience heartache, disappointment, and frustration. These are real emotions, and it would be dishonest and unhelpful to gloss over those feelings and slap a “God’s Story” sticker on it—even though it is true.
Right before Jesus is betrayed and arrested, he speaks to his disciples about what is to come. Jesus does not gloss over the emotions of disappointment, confusion, and sadness he knows they will experience. He reminds them that he and the Father are one, that their sorrow will turn to joy, and that he has overcome the world (meaning sin and its effects). In John 16:33, he says, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation [or trouble]. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Jesus graciously tells the disciples their story—and ours—with honesty and hope. There will be trouble in the world. Life will be difficult. The good news is Jesus wins. He defeats sin and death. Disappointment and sadness will one day be no more. The peace he describes is not found in things or circumstances but in him and what he has done.
John’s use of the word “tribulation” certainly refers to the life and death situations the disciples would experience. It speaks to things like cancer, injustice, and death. All these troubles stem from the fall—when sin entered the world and things were no longer as they should be.
When our teenagers experience hard things like exclusion, disappointment, and failure, those experiences also stem from the fall. While not making the team is not a life-or-death situation, for a teenager, it can feel that way. It is a big deal to him. Yet, these smaller troubles can be used to prepare our teens for the harder troubles that life will inevitably bring.
God graciously tells us that hard things will happen to us in our lives and then he lovingly gives us a “who”—his presence—even if he does not always give us a “why.”
Similarly, we can model what Jesus does for his disciples: remind our teens that hard things will come in this life, point them to the One who sees them and gives ultimate peace, and lovingly come alongside them.
Talking Point: Where does it feel like your life story isn’t going the way you pictured it? What does that feel like for you? Have you seen God use what looked like a “bad ending” turn out for good?
Resiliency from a Secure Identity and Knowing the End of the Story
As adults, we know that everyone faces hard circumstances. Tryouts are an opportunity to walk alongside our children, teaching them and supporting them in those hard things.
Merriam Webster defines resilience as “the ability to adjust easily to misfortune or change.” You don’t have to be resilient when life is easy or comfortable; rather, resiliency is built when circumstances are uncomfortable and unknown.
Imagine biking on a flat road. The bike does much of the work for you as you cruise down the road. Next, imagine a hill that is long in its ascent. You begin peddling steadily with your bottom in the seat. But as the hill continues to grow steeper, it feels like you are peddling through sticky mud, with your legs screaming at you to stop. You rise out of the seat, pushing and pulling the pedals with all your body weight to make it to the top.
In the steep and sticky part of the bike ride—that’s where you strengthen your muscles. As you train on more hills, it takes longer to get to the sticky part because your body is stronger. Similarly, our resiliency in life doesn’t develop when all is going well, on the flat road; resiliency develops when the circumstances feel like biking up a long, steep hill.
Protecting our teens from hard things does them a disservice in the long run. We prevent them from growing muscles they will need for all of life.
Resiliency for the Christian is rooted in the knowledge that we can trust the Lord and his goodness. The cross is the ultimate example of this. If we can trust him and his story for our lives, we have nothing to fear.
During tryout season, the Lord can use this time to strengthen our dependence and trust in God, which in turn builds our resiliency. We (and our teens) can do hard things because of who we are in Christ, because we know the end of the story, and because God is with us.
Teenagers and Mental Health by Monica Kim and Danny Kwon is an excellent book that gives gospel hope and guidance for parents, churches, and youth leaders ministering to teens with mental health struggles and their families.
