Want to heighten your awareness of fear and every little thing that could go wrong? Take your children on a roller coaster.
We were recently at Six Flags with our children. My oldest had decided to take on the world and wanted to experience everything she’s tall enough to ride. This included a 50-year-old wooden coaster. She always loves choosing my husband to ride with her, but there’s a catch. My husband is afraid of heights, though he puts on a brave face. As we chugged up the first hill, we noticed a rocking sensation. It was like the train wasn’t fully connected to the track! My husband wisely said nothing to our daughter. Our seatbelts locked, all we could do was hold on and pray.
Finishing the ride, our daughter was blissfully unaware of the dangers. She wanted to hop right back on, as lines were low. She even says it was her favorite ride! I couldn’t help but think how differently things would have turned out if either of us had spoken our fears aloud or forbidden her from riding. Because we were brave for her sake, she conquered her fear and felt the pride of doing it. Riding a roller coaster points to a broader principle that our children need us to face our fears for their sakes.
To Not Be Afraid
One of the larger themes we hear in Scripture is: Do not be afraid. God writes it so frequently that we know it and quote it. But we need to ask ourselves whether we are living this command out for our children. What do they see when we react to different situations throughout our normal life or general anxieties? Handling our own fears is, to put it bluntly, extremely hard. Our minds tell us that there’s a threat around every corner, whether our rational side is talking back or not. It’s so easy to succumb and think we’re doing well by our children to teach them caution, as well.
This isn’t to say that healthy fears are wrong. However, if we’re sheltering our children from typically safe situations in which they could learn independence, gain confidence, and have faith in God’s presence, our guardian instincts may be keeping them from growing. Fear is something we all experience. But as parents, we have the opportunity to help guide our children in confronting fear so that they may grow in faith and courage into adulthood.
Sitting in and Acknowledging Discomfort
The apostle Peter exhorts us to humble ourselves and to cast our anxieties on God (1 Pet. 5:6-10). We know that there will be suffering in our lives. Surrender will strengthen our faith to resist temptation until God restores the world and establishes us in his kingdom. What sticks out to me here is that he begins with humbling ourselves before casting our anxieties on him. Ultimately, getting past fear requires getting through our presuppositions of all that could go wrong. It requires releasing our pride in wanting to control the future so we can give it to the One who does. Guiding our children in this means modeling it for them so they, too, can learn to trust in the God who holds their future.
We recently had lightning strike a tree directly across the street from us during our kids’ rest time. It was a ground-shaking-boom that made the power flicker. My youngest slept through it while my oldest was in tears. Storms have always bothered her a bit. She worried about the house breaking as she felt the unfamiliarity of lightning and thunder. So, I took this moment to invite her to our front porch. We could watch the storm until her brother woke up.
We watched the rain, talked about God’s purpose for the rain and even the storms, and saw how we still had shelter even though it could sound scary. I also shared more how God is in control of all and would keep us safe. She relaxed after this and is increasingly more confident during storms. Now, she and her brother love watching storms from the windows and counting lightning strikes with glee! If I had either shut her down, telling her it was a silly fear, or joined her in her fears, she would have remained anxious. The growth opportunity would have been lost.
Responding to Legitimate Fears
As a parent, it’s so easy for all the dangers in the world that pose a threat to our children to overwhelm us. Now more than ever, our children are targeted for all sorts of evil and marketed a multitude of vices. Being afraid is a natural response to these things, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, there’s wisdom in having a healthy fear of the threats of the world in order to protect from them and prepare our children for them! Parents are encouraged to set boundaries against true danger. But when it’s something that has the potential to grow and shape our children, why would we stand in the way?
What matters is that, despite our fears, we step forward in bravery against them ourselves. We want to teach our children how to hold to truth in their own lives. The last thing we want to do is to pass on our fears for our children to carry! Trusting the Lord in visible ways is a huge testimony for our children to learn to do the same. Let’s look at some practical ways to attempt this, though it’s a meager sampling of methods compared to the plethora of resources out there for additional support!
Breaking Down the Fears
There are many times we think we’re afraid in life when it is actually misconstrued excitement. The adrenaline rush feels like panic, but when we reframe our mindset into thinking that we’re excited by the notion of whatever it is we’re anticipating, it becomes a lot easier to face. It helps to know that we’re looking beyond that particular event into the joy of either completion, conquering, or simply being courageous. Whenever our kids say they’re afraid of something that you know is safe and could be fun for them, share that with them. Help them learn how to listen to cues from their bodies and encourage them to look beyond the scary moment to what comes after.
Get Your Reps In
More often than not, the fear lies in the unknown, but if you’re familiar with it, it’s less frightening! Remind them of God’s purpose for whatever it is they’re afraid of. Remind them of how he is always with them through every situation. Situations could include storms, or bugs, or even “scary” drop-off situations like a new classroom or experience. Ask questions about why the specific situation scares them and see if you can talk through each scenario together.
Another way to do this is to do practice sessions with your children to reduce the fear of the unknown. For example, when I was nine years old, my parents wanted to take me ice skating for the first time. It thrilled me to try, terrified me to think of falling. My dad didn’t try to shelter me from my fears by saying we wouldn’t go, or shame me for being afraid of something that was likely inevitable. Instead, he prepared me by having me pretend to fall on the closest thing we had to ice before going: a slick vinyl kitchen floor. This experience led me to be more confident venturing on my own with skating and resulted in a few years of lessons because I loved it so much!
Modeling Bravery
Probably the most challenging yet effective way to share bravery with our children is by modeling it ourselves for them to witness. Children look up to their parents as role models first before they’re old enough to start eyeing the world, so however they see you handle an anxious situation is what they’ll want to adopt. Your reactions in life tell them whether different scenarios should be fearful for them, as well. Think of when a small child falls and skins her knee just a little bit. Quite frequently, the child looks at the parents’ reaction to see if she should be upset or not. If you respond with shock and fear, she’s cued to cry a lot faster. If you encourage her to get up calmly so you can look her over, she’ll likely absorb your emotion and calm herself down easier.
The Good News of Grace
The truth is that we’re never going to get all of this right. If sin tells us anything, it’s that we will fail. However, lest you feel discouraged, we already have the perfect person to point our children to. He was bold in the face of danger, temptation, and dispute. His name is Jesus. Even when we’re afraid, we can point our children to him and what he has already accomplished for us. That trust in him and his all-sufficient power will bring more peace than anything we could ever hope to impart of our own accord. Our job as parents is to be as faithful as we can, forever trusting in him to guide us. He will give us the strength to do what we’re called to do—even when afraid.
If you’d like to grow in discipling your children at home, consider working through Rooted’s Family Discipleship Curriculum. It’s useful for churches or small groups, too!
