When my child was about thirteen, a long talk revealed several doubts she had about Christianity. I didn’t react well to her questions. As she pushed back on the basics of the faith, my emotions escalated. Her emotions soon caught up with mine, and what began as innocent, vulnerable curiosity turned into a heated debate. She ended the conversation with words I will never forget: “Well, I won’t bring my questions to you anymore.”
Thank the Lord for his grace and mercy. Because of it, that was not the last time she brought to me her doubts. I later apologized for how I handled her tender heart in those moments, and then I spent some time reflecting.
It didn’t take long to realize that beneath my anger was fear. As I prayed, the Lord exposed something deeper—that I had quietly attached my peace to my daughter’s spiritual future. I wasn’t simply longing for her to know Christ, which every Christian parent should long for. I had begun to believe that if she trusted him, then I would be okay. This turned a good gift into a functional god.
When our identity, security, or happiness depends more on our children than on Christ, we have turned a good gift into a god. Scripture shows us that God’s people are prone to exchanging the Creator for created things (Rom. 1:25).
What Exactly Is Idolatry?
The very first of the Ten Commandments given to Moses at Mt. Sinai is this: “You shall have no other gods before me.” A lesser god that is put in the place of God is referred to as an idol.
The late pastor and author Tim Keller defines idolatry as “anything more important to you than God, or anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God.”
To put it simply, an idol is often a good thing that becomes a god thing. Because our children are among God’s most precious gifts, it is tempting to put them in the place of the God who created them. Below are three scenarios that reveal how easily our children can become gods and how good God is to set us free from this sin.
When Our Children’s Performance Becomes Our Identity
Our child’s performance affects nearly every area of life. Whether it’s academic achievement, athletic accomplishments, or social acceptance, there’s a long list of areas in which we applaud and encourage good performance. And this isn’t bad in and of itself! God created them to learn and grow and work hard.
The good becomes a god when our worth becomes tied to our child’s success.
It’s one thing to cheer on their good work; it’s quite another to find our identity in it. How do you know if their performance has become an idol? Ask yourself these questions:
- Do I feel unusually devastated when my child fails?
- Do I feel superior when my child excels?
- Am I more concerned with how my child reflects on me than with what God is doing in them?
- Do I compare my children with others to validate myself?
The issue is not caring about our children and what they do or do not accomplish. The issue is needing them to succeed so we can feel secure.
If your child’s performance has become a god, the gospel offers freedom because your identity is already completely and totally secure in Christ. You are his child, which means that your child’s successes do not justify you. Your child’s accomplishments do not make you a better person.
And your child’s failures do not condemn you.
Jesus has already given you the approval you are seeking.
When Our Children’s Happiness Becomes Our Highest Priority
I remember vacationing at the beach when our kids were little. One day my son sat grumpily in a chair because he didn’t like the lunch I packed. Surrounded by toys and beautiful scenery, he picked at his food and grumbled under his breath, “I am NOT a happy camper.”
Admittedly, I try hard to ensure my children are “happy campers.” It’s just too easy to organize family life around keeping our kids happy. And there is good in this. God wants us to care for our children, to create a nurturing and loving environment where they experience joy and happiness.
But the good becomes a god when we believe that our child’s comfort matters more than God’s glory.
I’ve struggled with this throughout my parenting by avoiding discipline because I fear upsetting them, or by trying to rescue my kids from disappointment.
This also happens when we prioritize sports or other activities over worship because we don’t want to see them disappointed or missing out. It’s easy to think of ourselves as “good” or “bad” parents based on whether our children are pleased with us.
How do you know if happiness has become the highest priority? Ask yourself these questions:
- Do I regularly compromise biblical convictions to keep peace?
- Am I afraid of my child’s disappointment or disapproval?
- Do I say yes because it is easier than saying no?
- Is my parenting driven more by fear than by faith?
An idol always becomes a cruel master. When we worship our children’s happiness, we become enslaved to their moods. If this has been your story, remember that Jesus never promised us children who would always be happy. That’s not our ultimate responsibility. Rather, Jesus calls us to faithfully love and disciple them (Deut. 6). We’re to teach about Jesus and to show our kids the joy in following him.
God is good, and we can trust him with our children’s temporary disappointments.
When Our Children’s Future Becomes Our Ultimate Security
The night I had the conversation with my daughter I realized that I was clinging to her future for my security. Scripture tells us there is no greater joy than seeing our children walk with the Lord (3 John 4). We should desire that they have a flourishing relationship with Jesus.
The good becomes a god when we need our children to turn out a certain way to feel secure.
It’s tempting to believe that if my kid loves Jesus, all will be okay, or that if they avoid certain sins, life will be good. It’s not a problem to desire these things, but we can’t make our peace dependent upon our children.
How do you know if their future has become your ultimate security? Ask yourself these questions:
- What outcome would devastate me so completely that I could not trust God?
- Do I spend more time worrying than praying?
- Am I trying to control what only God can change?
- Is my hope resting in my parenting or God’s sovereignty?
Our son went through a very rebellious couple of years, and there were times when his actions shattered my heart. I know what it is to carry crushing burdens believing that the future of a child rests on me. As hard as it was, I needed that season to be reminded that God is the author of my child’s story. He will do his work in his timing and in his way.
If you struggle with this, the promises from God’s Word are a precious balm to an anxious heart: only God saves, only God changes hearts, only God guarantees outcomes. And the God you trust your child with is perfectly loving, perfectly sovereign, and perfectly holy. You want your child’s future in his loving hands.
Love your children, parents, but worship the Lord. The opposite of idolizing our children is not loving them less. It is loving them rightly. When God occupies the throne of our hearts, we are finally free to enjoy our children as gifts rather than burdens, blessings rather than saviors.
For more help in keeping your parenting gospel-centered, check out our Rooted parent podcasts.
