“… just as our origin is truly understood only in relation to God, so too is our end truly realized only through embracing particular ways the divine and diverse creaturely connections that give us our lives.”
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together
“I haven’t spent intentional time with a single sixth grader this semester,” I recently shared with my co-worker. I felt like a failure, neglecting the very students I was called to serve as a middle school youth director.
But in talking with my co-worker, the high school youth director, she confessed that she struggles to make time for freshmen. In sharing our shortcomings in ministry, we tried to get to the bottom of it: why is it hard to prioritize our younger students? And, if we are being honest, many of our students in general? Isn’t this why we are here as youth ministers?
No one needs to be convinced of the centrality of forming meaningful relationships with students in youth ministry. We all know that you can’t have a ministry without spending relational time with your students, discipling them as Jesus calls us to. However, if you have worked in youth ministry for more than a few weeks, you know that unfortunately, this can be a challenge. In the midst of an efficiency-driven, goal-oriented, numbers-focused culture, we can miss individual people.
Instead of convincing you that relational discipleship is essential, I want to remind us of the power and theological significance of relational discipleship. It can be easy to lose sight of why we got into youth ministry in the first place. Not just because we run out of time and get overwhelmed with all we have to do, but because of the discouragement we face when we don’t see the fruit of our discipleship and ministry.
My hope is to encourage and invigorate you in your ministry. The work you do is not in your own power, nor is it in vain. It is done through Christ’s finished work, by the Spirit’s movement in and through us. And there is nothing we can do to thwart his plan for redemption and glorification (Rom. 8:37-39).
Prioritize Relational Time with Students (Outside of Church)
I was a junior in high school and had just moved from the Chicago area to southeast Tennessee. I was anxious and socially exhausted, thrust into a host of new environments where I had to be the new kid… again. On top of this, I was cynical about church and Christianity in general.
One kind gesture and relationship changed all of this. An older girl in the youth group walked up to me and not only made me feel welcome in that space, but asked me to spend time outside of it. She asked me questions about myself, curious about who I was. The love and care that I experienced from her was an extension of the relational discipleship she had received from her youth pastor and youth leaders, which I too would later receive.
The Lord used that short, unassuming time together over coffee and a walk to connect my head and heart about God’s goodness and his intent for me. It wasn’t rocket science for her. Through giving attention and intentional encouragement to a fellow image-bearer in a vulnerable position, she was simply wanting to show Jesus’ love in a way that was shown to her.
As a young high school girl who grew up in the church, I knew the gospel. But the Spirit drew me in in the context of a loving relationship with a Spirit-filled person desirous to know me personally.
Specific Love
That fellow youth group student sought me out because her youth leaders had shown her the specific love Jesus demonstrated. She understood that followers of Jesus are not just called to speak God’s Word, but to live out and embody it (1 Cor. 13:1-3; James 2:18-19).
Look at the ministry of Jesus and his disciples. They formed intentional relationships with individuals that they maintained, even in their physical absence, with letters and visitations. There is specific encouragement, sharing of life, homes, prayer, and food with one another (Acts 2:42-47).
Youth ministry is not just about explicit, verbal communication of the gospel. The Spirit uses the context of loving relationships to communicate the gospel to us. Our students not only need to hear the gospel; they need to experience and receive it.
Reminder: You’re Only One Person
If you’re like me, you feel ashameded when you look back and realize you have neglected time and attention with many students. Even if your youth group is only 10 students, let alone 200, you can’t spend intentional time with all of them. But if relational discipleship is so important, what do we do with all these students? A few reminders that mentors and peers have consistently reminded me:
Youth ministry is not dependent on you. (Praise the Lord!)
You can’t have the same type of relationships with all of your students. They are going to vary in depth, substance, context, and ease. That is okay. Surround yourself with other leaders to not only delegate and share the load, but to keep you accountable. Have other leaders remind you that it is the Holy Spirit alone that changes hearts. Of course we hope there are students who attribute their love of Jesus to your discipleship. But it is the Spirit’s guidance and transformation that will orchestrate and enable every aspect of that conversion.
This is meant to free you so you can rest and delight in God’s finished work. We are called to be faithful to the people God has put in our care, to the degree that he has enabled us to in this season of life.
Jesus holds them (and you).
Above all, remember that the same love and care you pour into your students is but an imperfect shadow compared to the infinite love and care of your Father. The same God who disciples you disciples your students. We simply get the blessing of being transformed more into the likeness of our Savior by following his call. God uses you and your students to bring about his eternal, good will.
Faithful Presence
I hope that in reflecting on your own story and ministry, specific students have come to mind. Students who know Jesus loves them because of your loving care and faithful presence. They know you love and care for them because they heard you shouting their name at their soccer game or because you showed up at the end of their play with a hug and a “good job.” They know God cares about their heartache and longings because they have heard you pray over them, bringing them before God’s throne. And even if they don’t realize it yet or you haven’t been as consistent as you want to be, God’s love for them and for you remains.
As you continue in your imperfect ministry of relational discipleship, never forget that you are perfectly known and yet perfectly loved by your heavenly Father.
We hope you’ll join us for our 2024 Conference in Dallas, TX.
