Lately, there’s been a series of TikTok videos floating around that make me chuckle. They feature parents of teen daughters tripping over themselves to run and hide as the teenager enters the room, her eyes glued to her phone, nary a glance upward. The gag is that the teen girl is so intimidating, her parents flee and hide from her presence in their own house. What makes the situation even more comical is that the teen is so preoccupied in her own world, she hasn’t the faintest idea that she’s sending her parents flying in the opposite direction.
Of course the videos are an exaggerated depiction from the parent’s point of view, but they humorously capture the funny awkwardness of parent-teen relationships. Our teens can be kind and thoughtful to us, but they can also be careless and moody. We are left guessing where they are at if they shut us out, which happens especially if we come head to head in disagreement (anyone else been given a days-long silent treatment over Snapchat?). The teenage years are indeed a precarious time for connection between parents and their kids.
Parents, Don’t Lose Sight of Your Teens
While it’s true that our teens have packed schedules and they’re less keen to spend time with mom and dad, we parents need to be aware of what’s in us that can contribute to disconnection too.
When our teens’ futures seem to hang in the balance of decisions made in these years, our parenting can become consumed with trying to help fix whatever we see threatening them. Our teens’ “problems” take front and center stage in our minds, overshadowing them as individual image-bearers. When we lose sight of our teens that way, we’re in danger of seeing them as problems to solve and not people to love.
Stewardship of our teens includes our parental obligation to many things, including teaching, correcting, helping, supporting (Eph. 6:4). But parents are to reflect the love of God at all times, as people of God (Matt. 22:37-39). Our teens receive our love most easily when they feel seen and heard, loved and valued as people apart from whatever problems they are facing.
As we parents navigate both our teens’ natural distancing from us as well as whatever issues we help them face, we do well to persevere in getting to know our teens. Yes, connecting may feel unnatural and hard in this season – it certainly does for me. But seasoned youth ministers will tell you that it is this connection that serves as a vital conduit for so much correcting and teaching, helping and supporting.
And finally, love that perseveres when things are hard is all the more reflective of God’s perfect, pursuing love for his children.
Ways For Parents To Maintain The Connection
Be Available
Parents of teenagers know that we are no longer the ones dictating when the points of connection happen – our kids are. Our teens feel we are safe when they can see that we are not too busy to care about them. We can let them know we’re available both verbally (“I’m doing some work on the computer but I definitely want you to interrupt me!”) and by following through (“Sorry I couldn’t watch that show with you last week, I really wanted to. Could we do Tuesday night?”)
Take Care to Repair
Inevitably, our connection with our kids will take a hit when we disagree or when we unintentionally hurt one another. Asking for forgiveness when we act less-than-loving is not only right, it shows our kids that we value our connection to them (Prov. 28:13, Eph. 4:26). If our child disagrees with a decision we’ve made, parents can restore the connection by acknowledging and validating that child’s feelings (“I understand you’re disappointed about _____”). We then continue the conversation to help our kids understand the reason behind our decision.
Talk More
While we do need to have conversations to correct, inform, or advise our teenagers, these talks don’t feel good for our teens (my daughter calls them ‘judgment lectures’). Consider using the bigger portion of your limited time together purely to connect with them. Listen with curiosity, suspending judgment, with the aim of getting to know them. Asking for their opinions on what’s current and trending or for how-to advice on a topic they’re confident in will help our kids feel seen and heard.
Persevere
When our teens rebuff our attempts to connect with them, we feel helpless. While we do need to respect our teens’ personal boundaries, we must persevere in initiating connection often. When we are willing to pursue our kids by meeting them where they are, we show a love that “believes all things, hopes all things”, by “becoming all things” for the sake of the gospel (1 Cor 13:7, 9:22-23). We don’t need to upend family calendars to do this – many ordinary moments make for good connecting points. Anytime we are in the same space, we can choose to be open and present (doing dishes, during car rides). We can ask our teens to join us in whatever we’re doing, or ask permission to join them. (“I’m going to get groceries, want to come? We can get stuff for your lunch this week” or “Hey, if you’re making cookies can I bake with you?”)
There’s no doubt that this season of parenting comes with challenges we didn’t hope for or expect. But what God has called us to do, he will give us grace to do, giving us everything we need at all times (2 Cor 9:8).
By his grace, as we persevere in doing the hard work of loving, may we experience the special joy of being parents to children God has given us to steward.
By his grace, may we grow in seeing our kids as marvelously unique people whom God loves and works in and through.
By his grace, may our children see our love for them as a small reflection of God’s supreme, perfect love for them and us.
We know all this is possible, because we parent and we love out of being abundantly loved by our heavenly Father God in Jesus.
