The beginning of anything in life always presents an air of optimism. There’s a saying in the National Football League that in the preseason, everyone believes they are a Super Bowl contender. That belief changes for most teams by October. The beginning of the school year is no different. There’s a clean slate, and because of that, there’s optimism that anything is possible. Our children can get straight As, be captain of the sports team, and be involved in many extracurriculars.
But the optimism of possibility can drive us into an unhealthy level of activity and a toxic belief that we can do everything. Maybe you’re feeling that right now. The beginning of the school year held so much promise, but now you feel weighed down by a full schedule.
As parents, we need to set limits and channel our energy in the right direction. We are called by God to be spiritual guides for our children and train them up in the admonition and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). The same verse says we should not exasperate them or provoke them to anger, which can happen if we are not careful about how much activity we put on their plate.
Therefore, it’s important for us to set boundaries for our children to make sure we are in alignment with God’s word. Here are three tips for parents to avoid the “do it all” mentality and come alongside our kids to help create healthier rhythms.
Draw Up a Mission Statement
Almost every company (whether a corporation, a non-profit, or a church) has a mission statement. It’s not just a catchphrase for identification; it’s meant to define the company’s values (what they do and who they serve). More importantly, it implicitly defines the opposite: what they don’t value, what they don’t or can’t do, and who is not in their primary audience
Though it may sound cheesy, writing a two or three sentence mission statement for your family helps tether you to God’s Word and keep you from being blown by every passing parenting fad. It’s easy for Christian parents who want to parent their kids by God’s principles to take cues from the world around them—“Keeping up with the Joneses,” as they say. I hear Christian parents say, “Ivy League or other high-level colleges are now asking for more AP classes, extracurriculars, internships, service projects, and extracurricular leadership experience. Therefore, my kid must follow suit.” Or, “Family X’s kids have found a way to play three travel sports and be in the elite orchestra while maintaining a high GPA.”
These activities aren’t wrong, but I don’t often hear these statements filtered through the lens of Scripture or the call to discipleship. As parents, we may be tempted to write our mission statement based on what the college admissions process says, what the family down the street does, or even what their church says. If opinions change, we parents often change with it.
With a proper mission statement based on a call to discipleship into the image of Christ, we should ask this question of every activity we undertake: Will this activity help or hurt the mission and calling I have to parent this child in the way of Christ?
Shrink your Circle of Advisors
About ten years ago, I hired a physical trainer to get healthy and develop a regular gym routine. There is no shortage of health and exercise advice on the internet, and you can drive yourself mad trying to digest it all: “Do a warm-up. Do this exercise. Don’t do that. People say this works, but don’t listen to them; listen to me instead, etc.” I needed to shrink my circle of advice to people who knew me best rather than get caught up in the confusion of often contradictory advice.
The same is true for parenting. There are plenty of “experts” who tell us how to parent. You need to say this or don’t say that. You need to do that or don’t do this. Even well-meaning people in our church, family, or friend group can weigh us down with advice that may not work for our context. That’s why we need to shrink the circle of those you ask for advice.
Proverbs 15:22 is true: “With many advisors plans succeed.” But many doesn’t need to be everyone. About two to four people you trust, who understand the call to discipleship as a parent, will do.
Play the Long Game
I often have to remind myself that life is not a race to 18. There’s this fear in Western culture that parents do everything they can before our kids leave the house. At that point, their life’s course is set, and we lose all our influence. As parents, we need to put this lie to rest in Jesus’ name.
Looking back on my life at 18, I was not on the career path I was certain I’d pursue at the time. Being a pastor wasn’t even on the radar. When I look at who I am as a person, what makes me tick, and what my interests are, it’s radically different. In high school, I hated books; now I’m a published author.
In addition, I have taken so much advice from my own parents since I was 18. Since college, I have often asked my parents for advice on my career or job-related issues. I asked for their take on current events and how to invest money. Many of the decisions my family makes, including who we hire for contracting jobs and services, are in large part a result of their advice.
We are parents for our children’s entire lives, not just their first 18 years. A significant part of the temptation to “do it all” results from a fear that the clock is ticking. Once they turn 18, we have run out of time. We need to realize that the Lord can use us anytime he wants. He often uses parents to influence their children as adults. God is sovereign. If they aren’t exactly where we hope when they graduate high school, he has the power to change their lives and keep them in his will.
A Gospel-Centered View of Parenting
We love our kids and want what’s best for them. But as much as we love them, we have to remember that Jesus loved them first and loves them even more than we do. He is the second Person of the Godhead, equal with the Father in honor and royalty. Yet forsook the riches of heaven to be mistreated on earth and die on the cross for your children and mine so that they can have eternal life through faith in him. Jesus accomplished everything so neither our children nor we have to do it all.
More than that, if you are a believer in Jesus as the Son of God, he has given you a counselor, the Holy Spirit. He will guide our decision-making as parents. God also gave us a church community to help us in this journey. These two gifts from God help us to know which way to turn and what to say no to in this often confusing journey. But while we are called to be stewards of our kids for a time, they ultimately belong to our Creator. Our mission is to serve him and trust in his guidance through this season.
If you’d like to grow in discipling your children or teenagers alongside others, consider working through Rooted’s Family Discipleship Curriculum with your church or small group.
