I was recently talking with a mother who was lamenting the difficulty of getting her teenager to talk to her. This mom wants to start conversations, but her daughter resents questions. Mom wisely observed to me, “Anything feels like interrogation when you’re not connected.”
So we asked our Rooted parent writers: how do you connect with a teenager who is pulling away? What are some things you can do to “grease the wheels” so that conversation might eventually become a little easier? We hope their answers will help you connect a little more easily with that reluctant-to-share child you love so much.
Melissa Powell, mom to one son (“a man of few words”) and one (talkative) daughter.
Our teenager’s new hobby is fishing. My husband and I have commented that trying to have meaningful conversation with him feels a lot like fishing. First, we buy our bait (his favorite foods). Then we have to go to the “perfect spot” and wait. For my husband, the perfect spot is anywhere they can rock climb together. For me, it is playing fetch with our golden retriever. My husband broke his leg climbing and we are getting a second golden retriever next month, if that tells you anything about how it is going for us lately.
We may get several bites of semi-meaningful conversation, solely about his interests for the first hour, but then we might catch a story or thought that gives us deeper insight into his world. The toughest catches to reel in are his feelings. Because our son is 13, I think the golden retriever is better at catching his feelings than humans are.
If you don’t have a favorite food, a hobby, or a golden retriever to share with your teenager, I highly recommend watching a 30-second clip of Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon discussing the similarities between a teenager and an office crush. Parent, you are thinking about your child a lot more than she is thinking about you. The clip is a light-hearted reminder that all parents, even famous comedians, have a hard time talking to their teenagers. Pro Tip: Watch the video just out of ear shot of your teenager. Your child will want to know why you are laughing out loud, creating one more opportunity to catch some conversation. Simon’s words to Jesus about his efforts to catch fish, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing!” resonate with me now in parenting, but Jesus’ words to Simon give me hope and patience, “Do not be afraid…” (Matt. 5: 5, 10).
I can enjoy all the food, hobbies, and even silence we share with our teen because no one has put their nets out deeper to catch him than God through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.
Joey Turner, father to three girls and one son.
Schedule a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly time together, preferably around food. Think breakfast every Monday at Dunkin Donuts, coffee at Starbucks every Tuesday night, or a walk around the neighborhood on Wednesday night. It’s just your set time for the two of you and no one else. Your child gets mom’s or dad’s undivided attention. Don’t plan in reaction to how they have been behaving, just make this your set time.
Then, just get to know them. Don’t have an agenda. Allow for silence. Ask questions, but don’t interrogate. Come ready with something to share that you enjoy about them. Ask them how you can be praying for them. No lectures, no going over the week and reminding them of all their shortcomings, school assignments, schedules, etc… Stay off your phone. Just enjoy them. You will know it is going well when they start asking you questions about the things they are experiencing. Tell them stories of when you blew it! I guarantee that if you set a time with your teen, your relationship will change for the better.
Christina Fox, mom of two boys.
In my house, my teen tends to respond to questions with one word answers. Sometimes, just a grunt will do. I’ll ask how school was that day and he’ll say, “Boring.” Or I’ll ask how sports practice was and he’ll say, “Fine.” Then I started engaging with him about things I knew were of specific interest to him and he became more animated and engaged in conversation. For example, he’s quite the comedian, so instead of asking how school is going, I instead ask, “What’s the funniest thing that happened in school today?” He would then go on to tell me about a prank or joke someone pulled. I learned that he loves to steal his friends’ shoes and hide them. I also know how much he loves sports, so I pay attention to sports news and I ask questions to get his opinions. He goes into great detail–more than I’ll ever understand!–but I love that he is sharing his interests with me.
Terrence Shay, dad to two sons and a daughter.
It’s important to remember that the REASON to connect is RELATIONSHIP. This means that it will take time and perseverance to grow, especially during awkward seasons. Here are three ways to reach out to your teenager who is reluctant to engage.
Be Personal: Brainstorm places and events that your teenager enjoys being a part of: their favorite restaurant, sports activity, or concert. By participating in what they want to do, you will learn more about their hearts and what matters to them the most.
Be Intentional: Set a rhythm for when you will have 1-on-1s with your teenager. Quality time does not come from the absence of quantity, so make the first move by asking for open slots and then box them in. This is what we would do for the essentials in our lives. Let’s show our children we are respecting their busy schedules while prioritizing them in ours.
Be Relational: Pursue the hearts of your children every chance you get. You will not hit a homerun with enthusiastic conversation every time. However, you are building a relationship, so expect to have ups and downs. Pay attention to what your teenager is saying and their body language. Listen more than you speak. Being present for the ordinary is what allows you to know them and for you to be known.
Katie Polski, mom to two girls and one boy.
I’m not a big fan of video games. I don’t have anything against them, but I just never really got into gaming. But then I had a son who developed a keen interest in video games. When he was home from college just a few weeks ago, he asked randomly: “Mom, do you remember playing Mario Cart with me when I was younger?” He had no idea just how clearly I remembered, but not because of the game. I remember because of the connectedness that resulted. That side-to-side activity with my reluctant communicator was one of the best ways to connect.
When I tried entering my teen’s space unsolicited, he or she would often treat my presence like an unwelcome and overwhelming force, which, of course, made me sad. And yet, I do the same thing sometimes. I, too, become exasperated when I feel like I don’t have space to decompress. Offer that space to your teen, and then think creatively and pray for wisdom about what you can do together: play a video game, go shopping, or take a drive to get ice cream. Any kind of side-by-side activity, even if it’s not your favorite thing to do, can provide a unique opportunity for connectedness that might result in a little opening up.
Dawson Cooper, mom to three boys.
My communication preferences and my unwillingness to bend to my child often prevent connection. I start with what is a convenient time for me, when I am in the right head-space, and through a mode that I prefer. I can be quite businesslike as I seek to check questions and conversation topics off my list. More often than not, this does not correlate with my boys’ timeline, mental space, and mode.
As my boys get older, I have begun to straightforwardly tell my child what we need to discuss and ask when a good time would be. This gives our children some agency and ownership over the times when we do have to discuss particular things. That way, my son doesn’t feel like I just sprung the questions or requests on him. For example, try: “We need to discuss your budget. Would Sunday afternoon work for you?”
I also try to ask open-ended questions that do not place judgment on him or his friends. For example, if my son’s friend has landed in trouble, I might ask “I wonder why he decided to do or say that? What do you think?” Listening and pausing without preaching also has seemed to help my children be willing to talk.
Connection with your child allows those harder conversations to flow more easily. Trust comes through spending time with and knowing your child. I have one child who connects with me when we speak in this absolutely ridiculous mish-mash of Jersey/Italian accent that makes everyone else in the house crazy, but we find it hilarious. We also connect over TV shows and movies. Another child loves to watch ESPN, so we might discuss a tennis match or sit down and watch a game. My youngest enjoys making things and creating, so I am trying to pay attention to what he is making or the many questions he asks along the way.
But all these things mean putting aside my to-do list, my phone, and my agenda, and just being with the child in front of me. I have also been encouraged to learn that part of growing up is pulling away from parents, and not to take it personally. Our teenagers are going to pull away, but we can continue to show steadfastness to them, which reflects the steadfastness of the Lord towards us.
Ericson Joubert, dad to two girls and a boy.
As a youth minister at East Cobb Presbyterian, Ericson asked a couple of parents of youth for their input.
A mom of 4 girls said that she would often write notes about things she saw in her children, and slip the note under that daughter’s pillow at night. Usually there would be a Scripture verse or word of affirmation included in the note. When there were tense moments at school or home, she would offer to walk or hike with that child while adding the caveat that her daughter need feel no pressure to speak at all. This gave her girls space to respond when they felt it was ok. Prayer was also important. This mom asks God to help her get to know her teenagers, not just to counsel them.
Check out the featured course on Rooted Reservoir Family Discipleship: “Talking To Your Children About Pornography”
