As I write, I can hear the joyful chatter of two teenage girls upstairs, eagerly discussing their latest crushes and the “most delicious Starbucks drink ever.” Their laughter and choice of topics make up the joyful noise of adolescence.
The teen years encompass a season of profound change—simultaneously challenging and exhilarating. It’s a period marked by rapid growth, inevitable setbacks, and a rollercoaster of emotions in between. For parents, teenage children demand our patience and our perseverance.
Throughout these years, I’ve clung to a simple yet profound prayer for my teens: “Jesus, incline their hearts toward You and strengthen my faith in You.” I pray this dual petition because I recognize that while navigating these years is daunting for my children, it is often equally as challenging for me as a parent.
One of the most complex aspects of parenting teens is understanding our role in their Christian formation, and our responsibility in shaping their spiritual identity.
Proverbs 22:6 offers clear guidance: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” This brief verse highlights both our responsibilities and our limitations in shaping our children’s faith.
Our Role as Christian Parents: Guides on Their Path
The first part of the verse clearly states that we have a role in our teens’ faith’s journey: to “train them up in the way he should go.” As believers in Jesus, that “way” is toward Jesus and his Word.
When we visited Italy, my husband and I had a wonderful tour guide. Without her, we would have had half the incredible experience that we did because she knew where to go, how to get there, and she prepared us ahead of time for what we would see. Her guidance was not just convenient, but necessary in order to successfully navigate the foreign land.
Adolescence is a kind of “foreign land” with cultural shifts that can be difficult to understand. The spiritual support parents offer is as essential for young people as a skilled guide is for travelers in unfamiliar places.
The Bible tells us our role as parents is to guide our children toward the Lord. The practical ways we guide differs in each season of parenting. In the younger years, we lay a foundation by teaching them the basic truths of our faith. In the adult years,[AH1] guidance happens through fervent prayer and relational connectedness.
In the teen years, parents guide by setting an example:
Tell your teens more about your testimony. Talk about your own spiritual journey with authenticity. They will see the way of Jesus as you bear witness to his work in your own life.
Immerse them in God’s Word. Set an example of what it looks like to glean wisdom from Jesus by turning to the Bible when difficult situations arise, when life is busy, and when a situation seems confusing.
Attend church regularly. Set the example of prioritizingthe local church and serving in the community to which you are called.
Ask for forgiveness. We all act in ways we shouldn’t toward our teens. Guide them toward understanding God’s grace and forgiveness by exemplifying it in your own life.
What Our Role as Christian Parents Is Not: Directors of Our Teens’ Path
The second part of the verse, “He will not depart from it,” seems so absolute, so formulaic. Because it seems like this, when our children rebel against faith and turn from the Lord, we feel like failures.
I was with a family just the other evening who expressed this exact sentiment because two of their young adult children are no longer walking with the Lord. These parents trained up their children in the way of the Lord and did everything they knew to do to instill a Christian identity. “We must have done something terribly wrong,” the mother lamented.
Are these words in Proverbs meant to be read as a command with a promised outcome?
Remember, the proverbs are proverbs, and as such, they are not absolutes but generalized truths that hold profound wisdom from God on how to live and bring God glory in our daily lives.
Think of it like this: Generally speaking,if you raise up a child in the way of the Lord – if you point him toward Jesus – when he is older, he will not be lost.
But that is not a guarantee.
I appreciate John Piper, who points out that our only perfect Father also had a rebellious son when Israel went astray. Hosea 11:1-2 says, “When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. The more they were called, the more they went away.” Piper explains:
“This is God, the perfect Father, pleading with his son. And what does he get for it? A lifetime – I mean, a history time; the whole history of Israel, the whole history of the Old Testament – shows that his son is rebellious.” [1]
When you pray for a son or daughter who has gone astray, Jesus understands your heavy heart. Take comfort in that, mom and dad.
This is not to say that parents do not play a part in their children’s actions. We have several examples in Scripture that say otherwise, such as the story of Eli the priest. In essence, Eli honored his sons above God, and his sons imitated their father and lived in disobedience toward God (1 Sam. 2).
There is not a parent on earth who doesn’t regret a choice in their parenting or wish they had done something differently. We are humans. We are frail. This is a natural response to our parenting feebleness.
But we must not sit in that response for long. Before you know it, regret turns into guilt and guilt turns into overwhelming anxiety.[AH2] The greatest comfort is that our children ultimately belong to the Lord, and He directs their path (Prov. 3:5,6). Parents, rest in that.
We point them; God directs them.
The formation of Christian identity in our children is a journey that requires both intentional guidance and profound trust. We are called to lay a foundation of faith and model Christ’s teachings, but we also remember that we cannot control the outcomes or dictate the paths our children take. Our kids’ spiritual journeys are in the hands of a God who loves themeven more than we do. Our task is to point them toward the ultimate Guide, trusting that he will lead them in his time and in his way.
Did you know Rooted offers a Family Ministry Mentorship? Our 12-week cohorts provide both small group and individual coaching for volunteers, youth pastors or associate pastors who oversee family ministry in their church contexts. The next cohort begins in early February 2025!
[1] https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/does-proverbs-promise-my-child-will-not-stray
