As long as I can remember, I have enjoyed church. I enjoyed the beautiful stained glass windows, organ music, and taking communion in my childhood church. I enjoyed Sunday school at church during college. And I have been an active church member throughout my adult life.
A few years ago, however, I stopped enjoying it. It became difficult to even attend a church service. I do not know if it was the memories from funerals of loved ones, the extended period of outdoor services and distancing ourselves from others during the pandemic, or changes in my brain chemistry after cancer treatment. But at some point, the rhythm of Sunday morning worship with other Christians that once brought joy to my weekly routine gave way to heart palpitations, sweaty palms, a racing mind, and anxiety.
The Dilemma of Not Wanting Church, But Wanting Church For Your Kids
I could stop physically attending church. There are many online options. However, my husband and I want our kids to grow up in a local church. There is a range of health and well-being benefits for children who grow up participating in regular religious practices like weekly church attendance and daily prayer.1 I have also benefitted from an intergenerational church community at challenging times in my life, so I want my kids to have that same type of support when they experience trials.
Most of all, we want our children to learn God’s word and hear hymns that recite biblical truths. In a post-Christian culture, regular attendance at a Bible-believing church is likely the best way to expose kids to Christian teaching and a life of following Jesus.
Oh, and did I mention my husband is a pastor? So, no longer attending church was an option, but not a good option for me or my family.
Practical Help For Parents When Church Is Far From Joyful
Maybe attending church is difficult for you too. Church hurt, grief, or chronic health conditions can affect our mental well-being, such that even attending a worship service becomes agonizing. Activities that we regularly enjoy, like singing in a choir, reading Scripture, leading prayer, or just sitting in a pew can begin to cause symptoms of anxiety or panic.
The following practical steps may help us move through these difficult symptoms while still maintaining our church routines:
- Talk about it. Tell your spouse, your children, your praying friends, your pastor, and your small group. The conversation will be different with each of these individuals, but telling those in your family and church community about your struggle can demystify the situation, take power away from a secret struggle, and explain changes in our routines that invite prayer while still maintaining privacy.
- Less caffeine, more protein and physical activity. Simple changes in diet, sleep, and exercise routines can make a significant difference. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and The Body Teaches the Soul by Justin Whitmel Earley are two resources that remind us that we are created as embodied worshipers. Therefore, the health of our bodies can have an impact on our ability to worship with our minds. Research points to being in nature as particularly effective in reducing stress and improving well-being.2
- Use calming techniques. Controlled breathing and grounding exercises, a bottle of cold water or cup of ice, a coloring book or something to keep your hands busy (knitting, for example) are all potential ways to calm anxiety.
- Practice contemplative prayer and solitude. Our technological distractions throughout the week and fast-paced lifestyles do not adequately prepare our minds for the slow and quiet pace of a church service. Into the Silent Land by Martin Laird teaches the practice of contemplative prayer as a way out of the “inner chaos going on in our heads”, and into the stillness of knowing he is God (Ps 46:10). A regular, daily practice of prayer and solitude with God will strengthen the mental and spiritual muscles required for participating in a worship service.
- Get professional help. There are a variety of therapeutic options to address mental health struggles. Speak with your doctor, find a trusted therapist, contact a reputable golden retriever breeder. Counseling, medication, and adopting a pet are all evidence-based ways to address mental health issues and restore quality of life.
His Mercy Is More For Struggling Parents
The Enemy wants nothing more than for us to retreat from the fellowship of believers into isolation and loneliness while experiencing mental un-health. Even more, he offers a false hope that by not going to church, the problem will be solved. But real hope comes from knowing God, in the wilderness, with his people.
Several of the above practices were helpful for me, but intentionally spending more time outdoors was the most helpful over time. Hiking on a wooded trail near my home, sitting in my backyard listening to bird song, throwing the tennis ball to my dogs, or going on a walk with a friend were all activities that calmed racing and ruminating thoughts throughout the week. They eventually led to more peaceful Sundays at church.
Parents, if we can only make it through part of a service, his mercy is more. If we need to go to a bigger church with more space, a smaller church with not as many people, or a different church for a fresh start, his mercy is more. Whether our anxiety, depression, or another type of mental illness lasts a few weeks or for years, his mercy is more. As we follow Jesus through the wilderness of mental health struggles within the walls of our churches, our lack becomes a means to receive more of God’s mercy from his word, sacraments, and people.
- Chen, Y., & VanderWeele, T. J. (2018). Associations of religious upbringing with subsequent health and well-being from adolescence to young adulthood: An outcome-wide analysis. American journal of epidemiology, 187(11), 2355-2364. ↩︎
- Williams, F. (2017). The Nature Fix: Why Nature Makes Us Happier, Healthier, and More Creative. WW Norton & Company. ↩︎
Anxiety: Finding a Better Story is a 31-day devotional for teenagers offering biblically rooted comfort and help for anyone facing anxiety. See how your anxiety fits into the big story of your life―and of the whole universe―and learn how Jesus can bring you peace.
