I wasn’t a disciple of Jesus as a teenager, nor were my parents. When I think back, my teen years were consumed with insecurities and anxieties like they were some sort of chosen pastime. From friends being mad at me to peer pressure to failing my math exam, I was constantly reeling into a free fall of emotional overload. Not being asked to homecoming brought my whole world crumbling down.
Disappointments that seemed so trivial to my parents were deep hurts in my heart. So I reacted by pulling away from them, wanting to hide from everyone and everything. But what I really needed and wanted was to be brought close by my parents and, ultimately, by God. I wanted to belong and be loved.
Today, I find myself a wife and mother, redeemed by Christ Jesus. Praise be to God! As a mother of three teenagers, I see my kids face many of the same issues I remember struggling with. But the biggest difference between their teen years and mine is that they can struggle with hope, knowing that the Lord is sovereignly in control of every area of their lives—even the messy spots.
Parenting Opportunities In Hard Moments
Teenagers are prone to pulling away from those who love them, just as I did in my teen years. But when our teenagers are angry, stressed, anxious, or facing rejection, there is an opportunity. These moments are where Jesus can use us parents to display his love, patience, grace, and mercy. Teens may be tempted to wrestle with their hurt and disappointment alone. But we can point them to the way God pursues them by always seeking them out.
Here are some steps we parents can take to draw close to our teens when they feel far away:
1. Ask Questions Rather Than Fixing
As parents, we are quick to try to fix our child’s hurt or offense. I know that my mama bear instincts want to rear their ugly head when my child is hurting. However, when we look at the model of Christ in Scripture, we see him asking questions to the people he interacted with. Pulling our children close means talking to them and asking heart-probing questions like, “Why are you sad?” “What led you to say that?” or “How is God at work in this?”
2. Listen Attentively First
Listening to our teenagers, even when their thoughts are wrong and sinful, helps establish a rapport of safety in communication. When we have paid attention to what our teenagers are saying, we can more clearly see and address the heart of the issue. As we listen, we rely on the Holy Spirit for help and wisdom, and we can trust that he is working through the words that we speak.
3. Make Time to Connect
Our culture has normalized lifestyles of busyness and overcrowded schedules, and I am guilty of this! However, we parents need to make time for our teenagers. Spending dedicated time together, with phones put away and the TV off, helps establish a stronger connection with our children.
4. Be Real About Struggles And Trust God
Being (appropriately) real with our teens about our own struggles as teenagers can aid in giving a godly perspective on life. From familial struggles to relational issues in friendships, we can share the key points that we have walked through and how God has been trustworthy in the hard moments of life. As parents, we do not have all the answers, but we know and trust the One who does.
5. Pray With Your Teenagers
Pray for your teen, but pray also with your teen! When we pray with our teenagers, we are teaching them that we are under God’s authority and that he hears and answers according to his will. We model to them that we are relying on and entrusting ourselves to Jesus. We teach them that we aren’t hopeless because we have a good God who is, by his grace alone, willing to hear and answer his people’s prayers. And we can indeed boldly approach the throne of grace (Heb. 4:16)!
Waiting On God
Recently, my daughter walked through an experience of being rejected by a friend. In the car with her, I asked her a question I often ask myself: “How do you see God at work?” After several seconds of silence, she quietly answered, “It’s too soon for me to see how he is working. But I will let you know when something comes to mind.”
I found that response so appropriate. Truthfully, God’s timing is different from ours. In my daughter’s words, I heard an expectation that she would indeed see God at work in her life, even though she didn’t know how or when.
I appreciated her genuineness and her insightfulness. The change that comes about in the life of a believer—the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit—takes time. It takes a long time. So parents, if you feel overwhelmed seeing your teenagers struggle, remember that the Lord has sovereignly ordained these very moments in their lives. Their suffering and struggles aren’t in vain. They are light and momentary afflictions in light of eternity (2 Cor. 4:17). God is using every moment for his glory and their good.
When our teenagers want to pull away, they need us to pull them close, pray for them, and look to Christ. As we pursue them, remember that both parents and teens alike always need Jesus. Let’s slow down our urge to fix and ask the Lord to help us and our teens to rest in him while he works. We can wait and rest in God by saturating ourselves in Scripture and prayer, and trust that he is drawing our teens and us to himself.
Anxiety: Finding the Better Story is a 31-day devotional to help teenagers find comfort and help in their anxiety. In it, they will see how anxiety fits into God’s big story—and learn how Jesus can bring them peace.
