“Why?” I asked for the thousandth time, in a voice that was a little firmer and louder than I would like. “Why did you do this?”
I held in my hand a splintered, personalized name sign that I had received for Christmas, one that I had wanted for months and had been on the wall for maybe two weeks total. My three year old son was lying in bed, crying, “I DON’T KNOW!”
I was furious. I had given him one direction about this special sign that spelled out his name–the name his father and I prayed over, rejoiced over, and delighted in giving to him. He was not to touch that sign–that’s it. Not only did he touch it, but he completely broke it in half during naptime when he was supposed to be sleeping.
I held my head in my hands and heard the faint cry, muffled by his face in his pillow, “Jesus! I need his help!” I burst into tears, realizing my son understood what it takes some adults years to realize. He was doing exactly what I do on a day-to-day basis due to my own sinful heart–cry out to Jesus. I held my son close and prayed for Jesus to forgive his disobedience and help him to learn to obey.
I wiped tears from both of our eyes and said, “Buddy, Jesus forgives you. He says he does in his Word when we confess our sins to him. I forgive you too. Please forgive me for raising my voice. I need Jesus’ help too.”
Sometimes I struggle to know how to parent our “most challenging child” (at least that’s the case in this current season of our family life). He is a wonderful kid with a caring, sensitive heart. I love and adore him beyond words, but he is sandwiched between two sisters who are more compliant. As someone who grew up with one brother (who went along with whatever my sister and I did), who mostly nannied for families with girls, I was unprepared to have a boy, let alone a very strong-willed one with big emotions.
On any given day, one of my best friends, who also has a strong-willed three-year-old boy, will go back and forth with me over text recounting the antics our boys have pulled. Together we are learning how to discipline them and train them up in the way they should go. I recently reminded her that all of our children help in a parent’s sanctification. However, it is our “challenging” children who take on an even greater role in making us look more like Jesus. Here are three ways I’ve witnessed this truth in action:
When Our Children Challenge Us, They Remind Us Of Our Own Sinful Hearts.
When I witness my son’s big outbursts of emotion or defiant attitude, I might be frustrated with him in that moment; however, it doesn’t take me long to look in the mirror and realize that I do the same thing on a different level as an adult. Is it truly my child who is the only demanding individual in our exchange, or am I just as much a sinner, challenging in my own way? In my heart, I know I am just like him: “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned–every one–to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all” (Isa. 53:6).
I was having a hard time earlier today exercising self control with my emotions. I was short with my family. I’m so tempted to yell when I’m upset. I struggle with my own sin every day. I am in need of a Savior just as my sweet son is. Seeing myself in him has humbled me beyond belief. That humility teaches me to love my family well and to be compassionate not only toward my son, but also towards others I might be persuaded to label as “challenging.”
Because Raising Children Who Test Us Increases Our Dependence on Jesus, We Bear More Gospel Fruit.
I have had to ask Jesus for so much help when it comes to dealing with and disciplining all my children, but especially my son. I’ve had to acknowledge my own weakness and come to him for wisdom and strength. I’ve had to know Scripture that enables me to speak truth to my kids. I’ve had to ask for forgiveness for when I’ve reacted in exasperation.
I was recently on the phone with my dad, and my son interrupted. After a few reminders and a heavy sigh on my part, I returned to my call, and said, “Sorry, Dad. He’s been a little difficult the past couple days, and I’m a bit at the end of myself today.” My dad responded with, “It’s ok. You are way more patient than I could be.”
At that moment, I knew the Lord was sanctifying me because “patient” was not a word I or anyone else would use to describe me in the past. My husband has mentioned multiple times that he can see the patience the Lord has given me. I praise the Lord for what he is doing in bearing fruit in my life as I depend on him. As Jesus said, “Whoever abides in me, and I in him, it is he that bears much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing” (John 15:5). It’s only in learning dependence on Christ that such fruit is evident in my life.
Strong-Willed Children Help Us Understand Jesus and the Gospel on a New Level.
When I first held each of our babies after they were born, I was struck with awe, wonder, and the deepest love. That love grows with them each day. My love for them is just a glimpse of the Father’s love for me. In my arms and beyond, my son has never had to “be good” in order to earn my love. In a similar way, I have never had to “be good” to earn Christ’s love because he has clothed me in his righteousness. His grace covers my son’s sin when he has done something defiant. His grace covers my sin when I parent out of frustration. I have a new understanding of Jesus’ love for me, even in my sinfulness, because of my love for my son in his. I know Jesus better now because of my son, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
My son recently was disciplined for being defiant, and he cried in my arms, “Mama, you’re mad at me.” I looked at him and said, “I’m definitely frustrated and hurt, but nothing could ever make me stop loving you. You know who loves you even more than I do?” He answered, “Jesus.” His need for discipline allows me the opportunity to reiterate the gospel message over and over again. His three-year old heart is starting to grasp and know that.
I know that more deeply now as well, thanks to that sweet, strong-willed three-year-old boy, who the Lord blessed me with and has called me to train up. I pray that my son and I both look more like our Savior as we walk this journey together with Jesus.
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