“Six plus four. Come on, you know this one. You can do it.” My words were met with a blank stare. “Remember? We just did this a minute ago?”
Math was never hard for me. From the time I was small I could add numbers in my head and calculate the tax on my penny candy. Every math class except for geometry added itself like a stair step onto the logic given to me by the last teacher. My firstborn followed in my footsteps, playing around with basic algebra in grade school and doing mental math with me for fun. Then came my daughter.
“I can’t do the nines. Can we just skip the nines?”
It began in second grade. While Elsie excelled in reading and loved science, art, and most everything about school, she always hated math. At first I hung back, waiting for the process to do its work. Her teacher explained multiple times, “Don’t worry. She’ll learn.” Apparently in our Nebraska schools, students were supposed to somehow absorb their math facts through repetition, beginning with addition. Worksheets came home night after night, taking much longer than they should have. Tears were shed over tests and quizzes. My heart broke to see her so frustrated, this determined little girl who liked learning. And so my interventions began.
We started with flashcards. This was the method of the ‘80s used in my elementary school. Students made their way one at a time to the teacher’s desk while the class worked on daily assignments. Learning your “8s” or “6s” got you a coveted sticker on the chart posted for everyone to see at the end of the day. A prize came once you had learned all of the numbers. I figured this process had worked for me; it would surely work for Elsie.
I offered incentives, encouragement, and breaks. She tried, pushed, concentrated, and stuck with me. And still, she did not learn her addition facts. As the years went on and math advanced, multiplication began which only added to her frustration. Every unit of math felt like a new kind of failure to both of us.
Fast forward to high school. Elsie and I waited in the front room of the Jewish Family Services building in St. Louis County for the psychologist who would explain the results of her full psychological evaluation. It was my daughter who first asked for help. She had begun telling me she thought her brain worked differently, and couldn’t we find someone to help? We looked over the results in the conference room and the clinician explained the tables and graphs. Years of frustration over countless math worksheets all came into focus when I saw one word: dyscalculia.
Dyscalculia is a learning disorder that affects a person’s ability to understand number-based information and math. People who have dyscalculia struggle with numbers and math because their brains don’t process math-related concepts like the brains of people without this disorder. Dyscalculia is only one of many learning disabilities and differences that can be identified in children.
The diagnosis of your child with any kind of difference or disability can feel like a punch in the gut, unexpected and scary. We all have dreams for our children. None of those dreams include added struggle or pain. You may find yourself wondering things like, is there help for her? What does this mean for her future? How do I get him what he needs? It’s easy to go to the worst- case scenario very quickly. As a parent of three special needs children, let me suggest these steps instead:
Remember God is Sovereign
He formed your child in the womb, with full awareness of the synapses and neurotransmitters that make up your child’s brain. Psalm 139:15-16 reminds us,
My frame was not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was woven together
in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all my days were written in Your book
and ordained for me
before one of them came to be.
Your child’s differences are not a surprise to God. Neither are you a surprise as that child’s parent. You were chosen to raise this particular human by a God who numbers our days and theirs by his goodness.
Know That You Have Allies
Services and awareness have greatly improved in the last twenty years. Most schools have extra help, social workers, and some sort of special education services. Large cities have physical support groups for parents of special needs children. Facebook groups and online conferences exist to help with skills and navigation of needed social services. Organizations like Easter Seals and Autism Speaks offer information, advocacy, and counselors for families navigating new diagnoses.
Consider How God Might Grow Your Child Through This
Of course we as parents want our children to be protected from pain and loss. But as believers we also want our children to grow in their trust in the Lord and in their character, including kindness, resilience, and patience.
One of the ways God produces this growth is through suffering. Romans 5:1-5 reminds us of this. Because Jesus suffered so deeply in order that we might have “peace with God” (v.1), we know that we can trust his good purposes for us, even when our story includes suffering. Because Christ has justified us (v.1) and given us access to the Father by faith (v.2), we can even “rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame “(v.3-5). We can reassure our struggling children that God does not waste their suffering, and they can use that access to the Father to talk to him about their pain.
We want our children to learn to pray, to depend on God, to build a history with him. Think about your own story. When have you known God’s kindness and nearness? When have you clung to and rehearsed his word? In times of pain and struggle, God stretches our faith and changes our hearts. Pray for your children that he would use whatever difficulties have come into their lives to grow their faith. Pray that God would use their hardship to produce compassion in them for others.
Ask Your Child Questions
It’s easy to find clinical definitions and experts to explain any condition. But how your child experiences their disability is their own story. Don’t assume anything. Ask them about their experience. You may be surprised at what you learn about them.
If your child has been diagnosed with a learning disability, your life is probably going to change in some way. God’s love for them and for you will not. He is the same God, keeping his promises of presence and grace. Let your trust in him grow as you navigate this part of life with your child.
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