Raising three daughters to adulthood helped me realize: the first thing a dad needs to know about parenting girls is that he has a lot to learn.
So much of New Testament relational advice revolves around humility and submission to the Lord. There are only 4 imperative commands to mothers, fathers, and children in the New Testament, and two of them are to fathers: “Fathers don’t stir up anger in your children,” (Eph. 6:4), and “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they won’t become discouraged” (Col 3:21). In my experience, these words are spot on. Fathers often lack awareness of how they impact their children relationally. Dads need reminders to be willing to learn and grow.
Learning Relational Involvement
Men don’t often “get” the way children develop emotionally, nor do they have the patience to be relationally involved. I wanted my girls to mature with little relational involvement from me. Dads can be like relational “paratroopers,” popping in and out, offering sound bites of correction and direction. Instead, dads should be infantrymen like the Lord. He is “a father to his children, tender and compassionate” (Psalm 103:13, NLT), boots- on-the-ground with us. For a daughter, tender and compassionate relational involvement from her dad provides nourishment for her to develop strength in a fallen world. Bearing your daughter’s burdens, which are often relational and emotional, means learning to listen, to understand, and to speak into those burdens without always solving them. A good dad is willing to learn how to do that and it takes practice.
Cultivating Redemptive Anger
In addition to tender and compassionate involvement, a father must develop relational strength for his daughter. Men grow relational strength by cultivating redemptive anger. Few men do anger well, nor do men realize how much women feel their physical vulnerability in the presence of men who are angry. In general, women are physically weaker than men, and men can use this advantage selfishly or unselfishly. Instead of using that anger to shame your daughter or demand she do what you think is best, it can provide impetus for you to move toward her and interact with her in a way that provides nourishment for her to choose what is good.
The best of human anger is directed at the work of evil in this world. Most men have a hard time developing redemptive anger that becomes strength to stand against evil with patience and fortitude. Relationally, it is easier for a dad to pull away from his daughter in anger at himself or to bark orders in frustration at his daughter. A dad’s self-directed anger is fueled by his self-righteousness, especially in moments where he doesn’t know how to help his child. Growing redemptive anger takes ongoing repentance and endurance.
The more damaging, dangerous, or sinful the situation your daughter faces, the angrier you can become. Whatever the worst behavior or situation you imagine your daughter could be caught in (drugs, bullying, sexual brokenness, etc.) your anger is connected to something bigger in that moment. As a dad you will hold the moments of innocence and beauty you have experienced with your daughter along with the hope you have for her deep in your soul. When evil is crouching at the door of her life, your deep connection to who she is and the hope you have for her will be under trial. You will be tempted to react with anger. In those moments you should hate the encroachment of evil but must prayerfully use your anger against the evil (not your daughter) in the way you interact with and treat her.
Developing Relational Strength and Resilience
A dad who guides his daughter with relational strength to stand up to evil with confidence is a man who has moved from self-righteous anger to gospel strength. His daughter will rest in his presence.
Finally, dads must learn to guide their daughters toward resilience. Early in my counseling development I worked for a wise female psychiatrist who had survived the concentration camps in Germany. She spent a lifetime thinking about children and their development. One day in passing she said, “I think children develop their conscience and self-esteem from their dad, and their ability to relate from their mom.” I heard that 30 years ago and my observations since then have confirmed it. Girls grow confidence to stand for what is good through relational connection with their dad.
Learning to bear your daughter’s burdens and developing more tenderness and strength that helps them trust you is important. However, there is a tension between bearing her burdens and assuming responsibility for them. There is a weight that is your daughter’s alone to carry. As a dad it is hard to know when to step in and help and when to refrain. A popular term for parents today is “lawnmower parents.” Such parents do everything to smooth out the path in front of their children, but sometimes being a good dad involves choosing not to make things easier for them.
Your daughter must learn to be both interdependent and resilient. She will have to develop humility and trust to receive your help, and confidence and faith to become resilient. We don’t grow that kind of character and discernment without making mistakes and having support. She will choose to fight through loneliness and discouragement with more self-determination if she experiences you as being with her along the way, knowing she can make mistakes and still have your support. Stepping out from a secure base is easier than stepping out from a wobbly base. However, she still must learn to step.
Leaning into Our Heavenly Father
There will be difficulties your daughter must face, and honoring her dignity will mean letting her struggle through them. Your faith in the Lord will be under trial in those moments as you refrain from interfering and attempt to hold on to a future good that seems a little fuzzy in the moment.
Becoming a relationally involved dad is not easy. It happens only as you find relational nourishment from the Lord. There is nothing in this world we want to get right as much as being a parent, and there is nothing we will get wrong more often. You need help. There is only one way to grow into tender, compassionate, and redemptively strong involvement with your daughter, and that is by leaning into a Dad who loves you the same way.
