I once had a coffee date with a teenager who had recently been asked to the school Homecoming dance by a boy she considered “just a friend.”
“That’s great!” I said, assuming we could celebrate the end of her stress of not having a date at all.
“Well, I haven’t said yes yet,” she replied. I looked confused. “I’m really hoping this guy from Spanish class asks me. I have a huge crush on him and I would much rather be his date.”
This was new territory for me. I was taught that if a boy works up the courage to ask you to a dance, you say yes—no hesitation. Apparently, things didn’t work that way any more.
Teenagers, I learned, were less inclined to immediately say yes. Why? For fear that a better option might come along. Like my student, they were anxious that committing to a decision would mean potentially missing out on a better one.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, this conversation over coffee was my first introduction to the reality of FOBO: Fear of Better Options. A close kin to FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), FOBO captures the daily reality of Gen Z: they are afraid to make a choice, lest that leave them unable to commit to a potentially better one.
FOBO adds to Gen Z’s already troublesome levels of anxiety. It makes them poor commitment-makers and keepers. Most importantly, it prevents them from experiencing the peace, freedom, and assurance that flows from the gospel of Jesus Christ.
To help teenagers address their FOBO, consider the three lies this phenomenon perpetuates. In the face of these lies, we can point teenagers to the ultimate best option in Jesus Christ.
FOBO Lie #1: You Are Meant to be Omniscient
Satan lied to Eve when he told her that she could be “like God” (Gen 3:5). Centuries later, this lie lives on in the hearts of teenagers.
Like my student considering her homecoming date options, teenagers are riddled with the anxiety that their choices determine their future well-being. If I sign up to play soccer this season, I might not get to go on a fun spring break trip. What if I say yes to his invitation to the Homecoming dance and then my crush asks me? What if I sign up for AP Chemistry and I should have been in regular?
Of course, we want to communicate to teenagers that their choices do indeed matter and often have consequences. Teenagers are neither robots nor puppets; they really must face the reality of what it means to choose AP Chemistry over regular. Often our choices have even moral consequences, just as Eve’s did.
But beneath the anxiety of FOBO is the lie that they are meant to see all that God is doing to orchestrate their futures. FOBO suggests that if a teenager makes the wrong choice, they are capable of ruining God’s very good and perfect plans for their lives.
In the face of their FOBO, teenagers need us to remind them that God is the author of their lives. And he is not a God of mystery or confusion who is hiding some secret “right” choice that teenagers must discern for themselves.
Students can rest in the truth that regardless of the choices they make, their lives are in the perfect, loving, and wise hands of the God who made them. While they do face consequences of the choices we make in life, God is far too powerful to have his plans thwarted by human action. We are not all-knowing like God, and that is a very good thing.
FOBO Lie #2: Your Commitments Don’t Matter
In his article on FOBO, Jerry Rinedeau writes: “FOBO may be the reason why, if you spend time with young people, you get texts like this: ‘I’d love to get lunch at that time as long as I don’t have something else going on.’”
Sound familiar, youth ministers?
FOBO often leads to flimsy commitments. Teenagers might make a choice, but if something better comes along, they abandon it as quickly as the skinny jean trend. FOBO generates the lie that commitments don’t matter and we can easily back out of our promises.
As ministers of God’s grace, we never want to make teenagers feel ashamed when they flake, but we do want to model what it means to be men and women of our word. If you promise to come to a student’s soccer game, make every effort to be there. If you tell your small group that next week you’ll answer their question about the Trinity, make sure you come prepared to answer. In this way, we demonstrate what it means to let our yes be yes and our no be no with our commitments (Mat 5:37).
When FOBO tempts teenagers to go back on their word, we can point them to the God whose word is always and forever firm. In his great love, God cannot and will not abandon his promises to them, despite how often they break theirs.
FOBO Lie #3: You Only Have One Shot
I recently lost a loved one. Amongst the myriad of emotions surrounding death, I was most struck by the pain of lost time: things I wanted us to do, experiences I wanted us to share, places I wanted us to go.
However, this sadness has made the hope of heaven even sweeter. One day, God will reunite those who are in him. And we will have an eternity of time to spend together. What I feel I’ve missed out on this side of glory will be more than made up for in the New Heavens and the New Earth.
Students who suffer with FOBO fear that to make one choice is to forfeit another. Which of course, is true. It’s not hard to see how FOBO can quickly lead to FOMO (fear of missing out). Committing to playing soccer might mean they will indeed miss out on that spring break trip.
When FOBO leads to disappointment, we can encourage teenagers to live with a heavenly mindset. They might have forgone a better option, but the cost is not entirely sunk. One day, all choices, even those that turned out to not be the “better option” will be a blip on the radar screen of their lives. They will have an eternity to enjoy all that God has for them in the glory of his presence.
For the Christian, there is no “better option” than the promise of heaven and an eternity spent with Jesus that awaits us. The choice that ultimately matters—the only one with eternal consequences—is where a teenager puts his or her trust.
Let us encourage teenagers to place their trust fully in Jesus, who committed to us so fiercely that he willing died in our place. In Christ, there is no need to fear missing out on a better option, for in him, all God’s promises find their “yes” (2 Cor 1:20).
